✓ LOVE TRIAL | HEESEUNG

43 - Sea Of Despair

Y/N's POV

I stand at the door, staring at Heeseung as he presses a knife to Sunoo's neck, not really sure if I want him dead or not. I thought our movie might end with us being friends again if we tried enough, but the ending credits are rolling and my heart sinks to the deepest pit of my stomach when the realization hits me. Sunoo was never my best friend. My whole life had been a lie. The people I once cherished, who I believed would always be there for me, had proven to be the very ones who would bring me to the edge of my own destruction. Mom, Sunoo, and now Heeseung.

"Y/N..." His voice trails off as he tries to find the right words, but his actions have already spoken volumes. He lets go of the knife and it clatters to the ground as I take a step back, wrapping my arms around myself because I'm the only one I can trust now. I'm the only one who can protect myself now.

"Is it true?" It feels as if I'm separated from my body, and now I'm watching her almost from a distance. My whole body is shaking and my heart is pounding in my chest. The room seems to close in on me, suffocating me with pain and shattered illusions. "Was it all a lie?"

Sunoo stares at me, tears welling up in his eyes. He lets out a heavy sigh but I'm the one who should be frustrated. I'm the one who should be angry. I want to scream, to lash out at the world that has deceived me. But I'm waiting for him to admit it all and break my heart for one last time so I can't feel anything. "Yes," He admits, his voice so low as if he can barely bring himself to say the words. "It was all a lie, Y/N."

Each word that escapes his lips feels like a dagger to my heart and my heart sinks deeper into the abyss of despair. The pain is unbearable, and yet, it feels strangely familiar as if I've been used to the ache of disappointment and betrayal.

Heeseung's gaze meets mine, and for a fleeting moment, I see a flicker of pain in his eyes. I swallow a lump in my throat, a part of me fearing what he has to say, the final blow that will shatter whatever remains of my fragile trust. "Important meeting?" I ask and he opens his mouth to speak, but the words seem to get stuck in his throat, caught between confession and denial. And I just turn around and leave, the tears staining my cheeks as I walk away. I can hear him calling after me, but I cannot bear to listen. Talking to him would only deepen the wound that has already cut so deep. So I get on my motorcycle and drive away, leaving him standing there, his shoulders slumped.

I've been thinking about today for the whole week. Heeseung was busy with work and we didn't have time to go out and have a nice date, but he promised me a date today and I held onto that promise like a lifeline, making me now feel abandoned and deceived. From all the scenarios I had played out in my mind, none of them involved the heart-wrenching realization that the father I thought was dead, was actually alive and that Sunoo had been deceiving me all this time.

It all hits me like a tidal wave and leaves me gasping for air.

"Y/N?" When I step inside our house, Mom peeks from the kitchen and frowns, approaching me with a concerned expression. "What's wrong? You're scaring me-"

"Who's Baek Jihun?" At my words, her face pales and she takes a step back, her eyes widening in alarm. The silence hangs heavy in the air, and I can hear the pounding of my own heart as I wait for her response. Her trembling lips open, but no words escape them. "Say something, Mom!"

She takes a shuddering breath, confusion and remorse etched on her face. "Where did you hear that name?"

"Does it matter? What matters is that you're lying to me. You always have been and I blindly believed you because you're my mother. Because the thought of you lying to me never crossed my mind yet here we are. You shattered my trust, Mom."

Her eyes well up with tears, and she reaches out a trembling hand toward me. "Y/N, I'm sorry, this is not as simple as it seems-" But I yank her hand away, and as much as it pains me to see her hurt, I'm done with the half-truths.

"Not simple? Keeping my own father a secret? How is that not simple?" I throw my hands in the air, too overwhelmed with emotion to hold back my frustration. "How did you feel when I told you about how bad I wanted a father? When I told you about all these fathers in their kids' graduation and when I told you that I wished I had a father to walk me down the aisle if I ever get married? I've spent years feeling this void, this emptiness, and all along you had the answers."

Tears stream down her face before she wipes them with a trembling hand, mustering the strength to speak. "I thought if you believed he was gone... you could grow up without the pain of knowing the truth, without the burden of his absence. I was afraid and I just wanted to protect you from that pain." She shakes her head and cries. "I never wanted you to feel alone or incomplete."

The room feels like a prison, trapping me in a reality I no longer recognize. The fact that my own mother too has played in this makes the pain even more unbearable. All she's done is rob me of the chance to understand our story and make peace with it. And I needed that chance. Images of my childhood flash before my eyes, tainted by the knowledge that my mother deliberately kept the truth hidden from me. The laughter, the hugs, the whispered bedtime stories—all lose their innocence in my mind.

How could she? How could she think that hiding the truth would protect me? All it did was leave me with a void, an emptiness that I didn't even know existed until now.

"I deserved to know the truth, no matter how painful it might have been." I manage to choke out and my mother's tear-stained face crumples even further. "I feel like an idiot... All these years, the grave I was visiting, all those conversations I poured my heart into were to someone who wasn't even there. That someone had been alive all this time, sending a friend my way so he can continue observing my life from a distance, all while I remained oblivious to the truth."

"What do you mean?" She frowns, her voice trembling with confusion and concern. "Y/N."

"Sunoo," I say, the name feeling so foreign on my lips, somehow. "He was paid to be my friend, Mom. He was paid by my own father to be there for me, to observe my life, and report back to him." My mother puts her hands over her mouth, making me believe that she wasn't aware of this. My heart breaks at the realization that my father chose to stay away, choosing to observe my life from a distance instead of being a true part of it. And the one person I thought was supporting me, comforting me, was just a liar and a deceiver in disguise.

"Sweetheart..." I can see the pity in my mother's eyes, making me hate my life and myself and everything I've come to know. I walk to my room, open the door before I step inside and Billy comes in sight, making me pause for a moment before I start laughing. You gotta laugh at the stupidity. "Y/N, wait-" 

I grab the scissors from my desk and the teddy bear from my bed and start tearing it apart, ripping out the stuffing and scattering it across the room. When I'm left with nothing but a pile of torn fabric and empty promises, I collapse onto the bed, my body wracked with sobs. Nothing makes sense and everything feels like a cruel joke. I bury my face in my hands and let the tears flow freely, the pain cutting through me like a thousand knives.