Kiss Your Crϋe Goodbye (A Kiss & Mӧtley tale)

Chapter 8: The Call of the Cat (How did you Find me?)

I've had so many dark days.... some that stand out or have stood out more than others. Fate, always fate....for so many YEARS and lifetimes fate was cruel, I'd never had fate be kind nor 'destiny', fate was at last kind when my husband....MY Mick rescued me from being raped and he took care of me, but I ran....like I felt back then a coward....and I know the irony of that being said since I am or WAS the cat. Fate once again stepped in...and was kind....and I didn't see it, it took me so long... when once again, Mick and I crossed paths or rather when he found me and rescued me once again and never once gave up on me.... he never has....and this...all of it became entwined in my destiny and eventually mine and HIS, my beloved....

I am....broken, so damned lost.... afraid of my own shadow....i crave and yet am afraid for human contact, I've heard whispers...rumors, about me....and it scares me. I feel I make a move, and KISS will find me...i.e., Paul and Gene i.e., the MONSTERS. Even music...drums, I can never give them up...which is why I 'sneak' out some.... still too skinny, my mind is all over the place....and yet...yet, it keeps going back to the man I have dreamed about...my rescuer of all people: Mick Mars. He makes me feel strange, I don't UNDERSTAND.... why...why me.... Why does he care? Will he hurt me? Why can't I trust him? He's just using me....then I realize somewhere way deep down that's the abuse I've suffered talking....but here I am....a music store near the Sunset Strip....and I am playing drums....pouring all my pain and suffering....everything into my playing....and I am crying....crying all the while....the owner seems 'nice' enough, but yeah don't trust people...but he and everyone else leaves me alone.

I cant take anymore, as I throw down the drumsticks....my actual ones are at my 'safe' haven, my hotel room and I sob into my hands, slowly sinking to the ground....curled up in a ball.

"I.... I.... can't.... I can't.... BREATHE." Great! A fucking panic attack!! I hear footsteps.... quickly becoming more urgent and I'd scream but I can't right now......

"Eric.... can.... you hear me?" I know this voice! Can't focus!

"S-Stop....m-make.... stop...g-go.... only...only hurt me...." I manage to get out.... black lining the edges of my vision. Suddenly I feel safe....surrounded by the scent of Leather, Lemons & Vodka....and this only makes me feel worse , because I let it...I wanna run...

"You're gonna pass out....you're having a really bad panic attack....i promise on my life I wont hurt you Eric....just breathe for me ok?" the voice...THAT voice...that scent....my eyes widen and I am realizing just WHO has found me and is attempting to calm me....i break out of his hold, once again the frightened animal....but somehow am less panicky, the black spots I was seeing fading and I bawl like a fucking baby as I after sometime get my breathing under control. And still Mick is here, why? I am not worth his time.... his help.

"How...did you find me? I-I don't understand, why? What if those monsters hurt you? I can't trust...even you Mick.... I just.... don't know. Why do you feel safe? I don't know how to trust 'safe'." Everything comes out in a rush and bitterness too seeps into my tone.

"Eric, they won't hurt me. I would LOVE to see them try. And I know you can't trust me....or maybe you do deep down, and I've never had anyone tell me that I felt safe and thank you for that....that goes to show, that on some level you DO trust me. I know you don't know how to feel truly safe..." Mick is still on his knees, leaning back against the wall near me, even though I can tell it pains him physically. "I feel that someone should be in your corner, that you should know and be shown kindness.... This will take a long time until you can even try to get to the point where you can heal, and I want to help with that. I DO...as to your earlier question, how did I find you? Well, I had some help from a certain friend of yours.....the Fox." My eyes widen further, and I hang my head in shame, in sorrow.

"He probably hates me." I whisper, not meaning for Mick to hear me but he DOES.

"Look at me...please. I ain't gonna hurt you.... Eric." That voice, dark yet light, gentle yet firm and filled with tears, I reluctantly look up flinching as I do so, cant fucking help it. "He doesn't hate you, far from it. He's worried about you, misses you.... told me to find you, I asked him for help in finding you, hoping it would lead me to you. I told him what I know, what I've done for you....and what I want to do for you." These last words floor me.

"He doesn't hate me?" unsure Now.

"No, he doesn't. I told him I would keep in touch and let him know how you are doing, if I find you. Eric, he cares....as do I."

"I'm not used to that....and I don't think...it will take me...I'm NOT ready to get to that point yet." I whisper and then it occurs to me, "What do you MEAN what you've done for me and want to do for me?"

Mick sighs eyeing me steadily, "I am the one who paid for all your hospital care....you've got so much to deal with as is. I did it because I WANTED to, not because I expect anything in return or doing a kindness to manipulate or use against you....and as for what I want to do? I for one, know you gotta miss being in a band or a band as it SHOULD be....i talked to and forgive me Nikki and Vince, my bandmates and I told them I found you....but I asked them or suggested you could become the drummer for Mӧtley. I was of two minds about it, One....i believe you would be perfect, you'd have a place you belong and two, I worry about putting the spotlight on you and it making you a target, I nor my bandmates want to hurt you...so if at any time you wanted to walk away you could and maybe help you find a safe decent place to live, get you back on your feet."

AM I in the fucking twilight zone?!! Me? Why me? The drummer for the world's most notorious band? He doesn't want to force me...THEY don't want to.... help me, wants to help me get on my feet?! And expects NOTHING in return...no coercion...no hurt.....but, he's being honest....about the spot light and too he's right, part of me...I want to belong, be in a band...I miss that, or the way it SHOULD be. I just...this is a lot to take in on top of everything else.

I feel dizzy....my breathing becoming shallow....i don't feel good...I really don't...I am panicking....i can tell, I try and wave Mick off...but he is still here.

"I c-can't....why...ME.....you'd....really....night terrors, p-panic at-acks....all time..." I ramble...and suddenly with out warning everything fades to black and the last thing I hear is Mick....i think saying:

"Eric.... hold on.... i am gonna do whatever I can to help you.... i care.... i care.... hold on.... PLEASE. HOLD ON."

I vaguely recall after I had yet another panic attack after Mick found me yet again, the vague sense of being held in surprisingly strong arms.... arms only wanting or trying to ground me. Mick would take me to the hospital, and there I would stay again.... for a bit, to recover physically at least....to rest, too much running...wearing myself out, not enough food and I came to found out Mick saved my life again and it is there in the hospital, I would wonder if I should take a chance on a different kind of destiny and too I would meet my prospective bandmates and Nikki Sixx would meet....the Fox.

A/N: Poor Eric! And Mick has saved him once again...determined no matter what to help Eric. Next chapter the first of two parts, Eric mulling over his destiny, meeting Nikki and Vince and more, there is so much coming and I am excited to share it all with you!