Kiss Your Crϋe Goodbye (A Kiss & Mӧtley tale)

Chapter 10: A Different Destiny.... Should I take a chance? Part 2

Blood.... blood running down my thighs.... soaking my lower half, pain.... burning and sharp. So much pain.... clots....as fear and realization sink in that I have lost.... the child I was carrying. Paul, I think was yelling at me about something, he lost his temper again....and then had tried to 'sweet talk' me. And cruelly left me here all alone....

I stumble, letting out gasping and painful sobs......and it fades to darkness....

Another nightmare.... another one taking place and even in my dreams or state.... scares me shitless, and I can't breathe:

I've been found it seems...by someone I NEVER wanted to see again, it's Bruce. And I know this will get back to Gene and Paul.

"Get away from me! You...you turned your back on me! You didn't believe me...you never listened, and you were SUPPOSED TO BE MY FRIEND!" I screamed at him.

"Eric, come on I saw you out and wanted to talk." Skirting around the issue of course.

"Bullshit! You are gonna go back to them and tell them you saw me." I counter snarling. And I turn and walk away...fear slamming into me, fear for more than just my life.... fear of losing my newfound happiness, my safety....my ALIEN, whom I haven't felt good enough for. Haven't felt worthy of AND whom I haven't even told that I love him yet.... he feels it, he I can see it in his eyes, his face....and I don't want him to get hurt because of this, I REALLY couldn't live with myself then....

I wake up screaming and sobbing, I hear Mick...always Mick now, again something I am not used to in the least, but he is HERE...here barking at the nurses to back off as I am surrounded by his scent of lemons, leather, and vodka and slowly, trying to breathe.... i begin to calm as he desperately almost talks to me:

"I promise Eric, it will be ok someday.... somehow. I ain't going anywhere, you hear me? I know everything hurts, including...." Here his voice cracks, "the Child you lost. But I need you to breathe.... breathe. I am here.... i am here." Gradually I calm down....and I tell you it's been a long fucking couple of days since once again I am in the hospital, trying to physically at least recover, to gain weight among other things.... i feel...terrible...unattractive.... No Eric no, getting worked up again. Mick has yet to let go, wanting I suppose to make sure I am completely calm or as calm as I can be. "Nikki and Vince are coming by, I know this isn't the time....and I can talk to them, or let them know......"

I cut him off croaking out, "I can't run.... or hide from them.... i probably need to give them some kind of answer, I have thought of in all this shit I am going thru about joining your band."

"Eric, you know you don't have to.... either way I and they will and are gonna help you."

"I know Mick..." I sigh, "It WOULD be a big fuck you to Kiss, even I can admit that....and it WOULD be a good way to get revenge.... i feel.... hope I can and will belong here."

"You DO and you WILL." Mick squeezes me gently, and I feel strange when he lets go as food is brought in, though he stays close to my side, making sure I am ok as I eat. And afterwards, he helps me comb, patiently my long, tangled blond mane and even has a bandana to help hold my hair back.

Before I know it, Nikki Sixx and Vince Neil arrive and take seats, eyeing me not with pity but compassion, which I still feel I don't deserve.

"Eric man we can come back if.... this is too much. You look like you've been crying." Little Does Vince know.... the hell that haunts not just my waking hours, but my dreams....

I sigh, "EVERYTHING is too much...and I have been crying, just when I think I don't have any tears left, I DO it turns out......I feel as if I should give an answer to joining Mӧtley Crϋe."

"You know you don't have to give one, its out there...for IF you ever want it. Either way, we're helping you." Sixx's voice is earnest and his sharp eyes narrow. He knows what I don't feel like voicing to him or to Vince, and really Nikki and I are a lot alike with our dark pasts.

I feel the tears renew themselves, feeling overwhelmed.... I look to Mick who gives me encouragement.

"I have to say.... i am taking A HUGE FUCKING leap of faith here..." I take a deep breath, "I will join Mӧtley Crϋe, that being said......i have some things to say and let me get them out before I lose my nerve." Vince and Nikki listen attentively, their eyes hold so much worry, determination....and they may not like what I have to say. I don't feel worthy of them, I will only bring them down, but I can't live the rest of my life with 'what if'? "I feel that I'm not good enough for you as your drummer, I'll only bring you down. I've been told time and time again I can't hack it, I'm only a replacement.... not an equal. And you know.... This could put you ALL in danger, not just me and I don't want that to happen. And if you all agree to this...." I Start sobbing, "C-Can y-you.... handle me? My baggage? Those MONSTERS wrath? There are things that you don't know, Skeletons in their closets.... I often have night terrors, nightmares, panic attacks. Mentally, I'm overwhelmed as IS and I have to say....part of me DOES want revenge in that my joining would be a huge FUCK YOU to Kiss." I finish spent, trying to breathe....and Mick, scoots closer to me in his chair, grounding me as I sob.

In fact, there is NOT a dry eye in this room.... NONE.

"We can only imagine what really happens behind closed doors, we've got a fair idea.... but I imagine and believe as you said Eric its FAR worse. We can take them; we can take Kiss. We all of us, have those skeletons and a shit ton of baggage, much of it painful. I can promise you; we won't abandon you; it will take time.... a long time to heal, I know. As for you bringing us down? Never, you could NEVER. I've heard you play in the past; you've got this. In time, one day you will believe you are worthy and worth it."

"We are called Mӧtley Crϋe for a reason.... Take time for YOU too, it's ok. We'd be honored to have you join us man." Vince says sincerely, I manage a tearful 'thank you'. Both Sixx and Vince stay for a while.... promising to come back tomorrow and it's just Mick and I, and I feel spent but restless too. Mick of course, notices....

"Let's take a walk if you want. It may help."

"But people.... i don't...I mean." I stammer.

"I know, I know Eric.... we don't have to remember you never have to do anything now you don't wont, you won't be forced.... but if you DO want to go take a walk, then I'll keep you safe."

"Well.... ok...I do need exercise." I say hesitantly. "You promise you'll be right there?"

"Right there I promise Eric." Mick does something I don't think I've ever seen him do, at least since I met him, he bestows a smile on me...a WARM smile, that does something to me, I don't know what, I don't recognize the feeling. "I'll even help you up, you trust me?"

"I trust you Mick Mars." Mick looks as if I've given him gold, as he helps me off the bed, and we head outside my room and Mick s true to his word....

I told him I trusted him, and I am going to take a chance.... a huge chance on my career, my life.... I can't just always wonder 'what if'. I can't shake the feeling.... Gene, Paul.... they are bidding their time. And I still have such a long way to go in my recovery all the way around.... I am trying.... trying so hard. I STILL don't believe in myself; I don't feel as if I am good enough for anyone....

A/N: Eric is going to take a chance on a different destiny, a new one. Eric trusts Mick and will slowly but surely recover mentally and it won't be easy. Sadly, the inevitable that Eric fears WILL COME down the line.