Kiss Your Crϋe Goodbye (A Kiss & Mӧtley tale)

Chapter 9: A Different Destiny.... Should I take a chance? Part 1

Its always amazed me, and I mean Mick yes of course....1 million percent, but its always amazed me, still does him coming into my life and saving it many times over and that he's never once given up on me. After our reunion.... things would start to take a turn, and I'd be wondering SHOULD I take a chance on a different destiny, should I try to get to where I'd mentally recover? Put myself in the spotlight? My recovery mentally was a hard won and hard fought battle and felt like an eternal road....and when I woke yet AGAIN in the hospital, I'd wake up to of course Mick....and other surprises and THAT's where we will pick up our tale...

Beeping noises.... AGAIN? Guess....this means am I in the hospital...again....OH...OH...slowly, I think frantic voices...more than one...and chief among them I coming to recognize: Mick....Mick Mars.....

I open my eyes with a groan, slowly calming as Mick I think calms me down....and I can feel the tears on my face.

"Hey...hey you're ok here. You're gonna be ok. Slowly Eric...slowly. I'm not going to hurt you, no one here is." I focus more, still crying but I turn to him...feeling lost, and still so very tired. "I bet, you need some water and then we'll talk ok?" How did he know with out my asking? That I needed water.....oh, this is nice, ice water.....i am drinking it like its going out of style and still those other voices I was hearing, still they persist.

"T-Thank you.....you....what h-happened....oh.....i....I remember...were...you serious about all that stuff? Helping me? Me joining your band?....Mick, oh Mick....I'm not worth that trouble, I've already caused enough trouble as it is."

"I was and am very serious.... you weren't feeling good on top of everything else and I am SORRY truly for making you freak out and panic even more...if I have hurt you in anyway....and...I have brought among other things or should I say people: Nikki and Vince, they insisted on coming to see you, because they WANTED to and....an old friend of yours is here too..." Mick trails off and my eyes widen with shock, and tears as I see of course Sixx and Neil but Eric Carr aka the Fox.

"Hey Eric.... I've really missed you man, and I have been SO worried about you. I wanna help you, we all do." He states tearfully by way of greeting, and I flinch..., again the automatic response from me.

"I know you've missed me..." Feeling guilty as fuck. "I still don't deserve all this help....you know they will come for me eventually." I refer of course to those MONSTERS of....i can't speak their names any longer.

"Eric, you deserve all this help....we'll do everything we can to help you." Another voice....one I realize belongs to none other than Nikki Sixx. "Mick's told me what's happened....and I can understand better than any body maybe how you FEEL. Unwanted, unloved.... abused, and I too was a runaway, I was lost....so lost for so long and then when I discovered drugs? And Heroin? All bets were off and the spiral...the mental recovery...it has been a very long road and still I fucking struggle at times. It takes A LOT of fucking guts to run, more than you realize. I've never liked Kiss.... well Gene and Paul especially, I haven't forgiven them for kicking us off their tour 10 years ago....and that brings me to what I am sure Mick has told you, about joining Mӧtley." All eyes including Nikki's are on me, I flinch under the gazes trying to take everything in, feeling as if I am in the twilight zone and I seek out Mick who silently mouths, 'It will be ok...I'm here ok?' and I calm as Nikki continues, "We'd be honored. I've heard you play." These words floor me honestly, "And you are a hell of a drummer. But we won't force you and take all the time you need to think.... we all of us realize it's a fucking lot to ask."

Tears stream down my face, "I used to think I was a decent drummer.... a good one...USED to. Everything I did.... I can't talk about it, I'm not ready yet. Besides I think you know or can imagine. But thank you Sixx.... just thank you."

"Eric.... you're welcome."

"Eric listen, YOU ARE an amazing drummer.... but more than that, an amazing person. You'll find your passion.... your way again. I promise." Fox's eyes darken, but I notice he keeps glancing at Nikki. I wonder....i get the feeling that they have talked.....but...no....that will never be me, NEVER. I will never be good enough to be loved.... worthy of it. I believed once a long time ago, but now.... I don't know.

I guess....they are really a Mӧtley Crϋe. Everyone here has a story, carries trauma...skeletons in their closet, some that have seen the light of day. And still, they manage too solider on....

"I know this isn't a good time, but I let Axl know....it didn't go well, he hates PAUL Stanley. I literally had to restrain him." Vince Neil speaks up. I am shocked to hear such a thing....i had no idea that....well I feel like a fucking idiot...a damned fool, for being blind and giving up. I go silent. Now there's a story, from what I know....Vince and Axl were rivals, they went from enemies to lovers. An epic story for sure: Fights, Sex, and...they have children...from what I have heard.....children....oh GOD....i lost.....touching now, my flat stomach.....the echo of what I lost, is coming back to haunt me....and its getting hard to breathe. Frantic voices.... nothing will reach me, as I rock back and forth....

Safe.... suddenly I feel safe, I flinch.... but relax and am surrounded by lemons.... Vodka and leather: MICK.

"Shh.... shhh, its ok. You're safe.... i promise you...."

"It hurts.... i.... I.... just...triggered.... i lost.... a child......" I whisper, "It was.... I didn't....my fault.... Paul...Gene.... Paul.... hurt me.... yelled.... i was.... BROKEN when I got pregnant.... shamed.... i...Mick.... i wanted it.... the worst part is I wanted the child.... i wanted my baby...where is my baby?!" I cry.

Suddenly with out warning....i pass out.....and when I awake everyone is gone....EXCEPT Mick. A sorrowful Mick...., "Mick? I'm sorry...I freaked out....and...and...made a lousy first impression with them. I ruined things." I whisper.

"Eric, you have NOTHING to apologize for. You didn't ruin things.... you could NEVER. And....i know saying the words don't mean jack shit....but I am SO FUCKING SORRY....that you lost a child, a child that I imagine despite how it happened you very much wanted, that you want still. THEY shamed you.... it's on THEM not you."

Mick stayed, he stayed.....and I didn't realize at the time, took me a long time....but I opened up at least some about one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. Not only that but I opened to HIM....my alien. I flinched yes, but I relaxed that day.... He was the only one who could calm me, which meant that deep down I did trust him. That night, Mick insisted on staying, talking to me....getting me something to eat and telling me that I would be in the hospital for a bit, my treatment....the need for me to gain weight etc. I had many episodes, night terrors and no matter what he never gave up, he stayed. When we next meet, a few days will have passed....and of course I had visitors during that time.... Mick naturally as well as Fox, Sixx, and Vince....but after those days....i would give an answer that would lead to me taking a chance on my destiny...my new destiny....

A/N: Meetings....and poor Eric with his trauma.... but there were signs here and there of his connection with Mick and that he SHARED at least some of one of his painful experiences. It will still be a long hard road for Eric, but he won't be alone.