The Lion, The Witch, And The Audacity Of This Bitch

47: How to unsuccessfully sacrifice your friend to the spider god

Kalluto and Illumi being siblings fanart>>>>

The full title I wanted but couldn't do because of 80 character limit: How to unsuccessfully sacrifice your friend to the spider god. Curse you Illumi the platypus!!!

Eat food, drink water, and get 5+ hours of sleep today or Kalluto will continue to have a terrible family and be sad:(

Illumi has finally been able to show Y/n the underground tunnels. This was only important because he wanted a truce, and not because deep down he is a gremlin and he wants his fellow gremlin's approval. Obviously not. That would be illogical.

Y/n has made at least eighty-two attempts on Silva's life since Killua and them were brought back to the Zoldyck's estate. If Silva is starting to not completely despise the child, nobody has to know.

Zeno definitely knows.

He is all knowing.

You can't hide anything from him.

He is teaching Y/n the best ways to collect blackmail. Soon Y/n will replace Milluki and do information gathering for the family. Milluki shall die.

Kikyo is already trying to get adoption papers for Y/n. It should be fairly easy since Y/n accidentally orphanated themselves during the avocado incident.

Milluki has no clue who Y/n is, and whenever he asks anyone they ignore him. He has stopped asking.

Killua is-

"Die bitch! Die!"

...standing on a table..?

Oh shit there's a spider.

Phantom troupe members? Nowhere close to scary.

Real eight legged demons, with an excessive amount of eyes for their relatively small bodies? Terrifying.

"Why are you both on the table?" Illumi questioned. After receiving no reply, he sighed "Where's the spider?"

Killua pointed towards its direction, as one does while in a staring contest with a spider. The spider pointed in Killua's direction as well, but that's not important.

Illumi simply walked over and squashed the spider. Completely ruining Y/n's plans of pushing Killua off the table as a sacrifice.

It was at that moment that Silva decided to walk into the room. Which Y/n took as an invitation to attempt to murder him, as one does.

They obviously failed, per usual, seeing how they are a seven year old child. The only possible way Y/n would've been able to kill Silva would be if they were a main character in a not-all-that-well thought out fan fiction. Y/n, however, was not a main character in a fan fiction, so they didn't succeed in killing Silva.

"Is it necessary for you to do that every time you see him?" Killua asked.

"I managed to land a hit on him this time! I'm improving!" Y/n chose to ignore Killua's question, and instead decided to celebrate. The actual reason Y/n managed to land a hit on Silva was not because they were progressively improving, but because they are a main character in a not-all-that-well thought out fan fiction. I lied to you all.

Y/n decided to inform Hisoka of this amazing accomplishment, blissfully unaware of the fact that they are but a puppet on a string for the author to control as they please.

But Zeno knows.

Zeno knows all.

He shalln't tell, he hasn't been this entertained since family dinner April eighteenth, 1982. (The author is unaware of what year[s] HxH takes place in. But Zeno is immortal and has lived forever, he shall never die.)

While you were busy reading the author's recent discovery of how very powerful they are, the phantom troupe has re-kidnapped Y/n and Killua. As the author is lazy and has decided not to thoroughly explain how the hell they managed to do that. All you need to know is to be wary of avocados...

—

"Hi, welcome to chili's!" Shalnark greeted, entirely pretending he didn't just abduct these two innocent(they've committed mass murder) children.

"Glad to have you back." Chicken-tender said.

Within the next five minutes he was very much Not Gladᵀᴹ to have them back.

But before annoying Cheesecake, Y/n sent Hisoka a update on the situation via cat memes, that may or may not have included a stripper pole. A cat's gotta do what a cat's gotta do, it's a tough world out there.

Hisoka is unaware of when or how Y/n got his phone number, but he lives for drama, and by god this was high quality drama.

But we're getting off topic, we need to watch Killua and Y/n annoy the phantom troupe. Because fourty six chapters of exactly that is apparently not good enough for you.

"We offer a sacrifice to our lord, Feitan." The sacrifice in question being Shark Tank, who was currently tied up and gagged.

"MMMFM MHFFM"

..He's having fun, we swear.

"Shark Tank fully consents to being sacrificed. In return for our sacrifice-"

"MMMF MMFHMM"

"-we wish to learn the ways of torture."

Feitan lightly kicked the sacrifice a couple times, to make sure it was high quality. By 'lightly' I mean he kicked Shark Tank across the room, making him crash through three separate walls.

Chrollo made no comment. He sees nothing, he says nothing. It's a peaceful life for him.

"Acceptable sacrifice. I will teach."

"MFFMM MFMM!!!"

Word count: 982

Fun Facts:

• For the spider scene at the beginning I actually had written around 200 words just describing the true terror of spiders. How they stalk you, wait until your weakest moment to strike. And then I thought it didn't match the vibe, so I deleted it.

• I'm literally in love with the idea of Illumi killing spiders for his siblings- the fact that he immediately knew that there was a spider means that killing spiders for Killua happens often. I'm making it canon.

• Y/n: *exists*
Silva: *also exists*
Y/n: personally I wouldn't take that level of disrespect.