My comfort//Helena Bonham Carter characters and Y/n one shots

A shadow in your memory//Bellatrix

Me when I disappear for months and come back with more angst than ever <3

Inspired by my own personal feelings and that one tik tok sound that goes "So the thing I keep thinking about is, was it worth it to be happy for a little bit even though it ended up sad? Or would it have been better if the whole thing had never happened?"

Context, this is a Bella one shot (It's also me kinda blurting out my emotions and when I do that, I associate it to Bella LMFAO) and in this situation, she is allowed to marry a woman (I do NOT want to write about a man :')) and this one shot is placed accordingly.

This is written first person, the readers perspective and 'you' is referencing Bellatrix, or whoever you'd like it to reference as there are no particular names written.

I can never have you, that much has become clear. I could never have the one I call my beloved as you are betrothed to another, and I am nothing more than a pawn in your life story. You are what some people call 'the light of my life,' but I am not yours; To you I am one of your side characters as you waltz through your storybook life without a care in the world.

Sure, I am the reason we are not in contact.

I am the reason we fell apart.

I created this riff between us.

But I regret it oh so much.

I regret nothing more than pulling away from you. I knew you were, and most likely still are, stubborn, I probably knew of your reaction at some point, I knew what I could do to fix what I had created, but I simply endured. I endured the prolonged process of our falling out, and I made it worse with every moment that we neared each other.

I do believe I knew what would happen if I had continued prolonging our falling out, but I had a shimmer of hope, some glistening feeling in a whirlwind of emotions that you would not allow us to die out the way we did. 

Alas, I held onto the small feeling without any desire to face the consequences, nor any thought to how you would react and if you would push me away.

Which you did.

Hilarious enough, those consequences just doubled in size, and they were simply procrastinated a couple days followed by years of misery and self-pity. Writing letters that went unsent, sobbing in empty rooms with none but the immaterial to witness my state, being reminded of you over the smallest of things I associate to you, in constant states of believing I'm over you before bursting into tears the next day, the feelings of abandonment, the moments laying on the floor, unable to cry anymore, all of it worsened day after day and the thing I keep thinking about is was it worth it? Was it worth it to be happy for a little bit even though it ended up sad? Or would it have been better if the whole thing had never happened?

I have yet to find an answer, as anyone would.

In episodes of excruciating sadness and anger, I wish we had never happened. I wish I had never met you, wish all our past would be erased from top to bottom.

However,

Moments where my conscience is clear, which tends to be a very limited amount of time, I relish in the fact that I knew you, that I was graced with your presence, even if it was a short period.

You were a lesson, I suppose, and so was I, even if you don't quite remember me the way I do you.

The funniest part is you were the only person I could ever imagine a future with.

Commitment is not my strong suit, I've always shivered at the thought, but you, oh my love, you made it all worth it. You made me feel that commitment was not some monstrosity that people shivered at. You made me see just why everyone loves to be in a long-term relationship oh so much, and I wish to every star that I could go back to that time.

Because now, now commitment is a chore, and the idea of a relationship lolls around my mind, staying in place, but not actually willing to blossom into something more. It's not willing to bring me peace like it did with you.

I believe the worst part of it all is knowing you've forgotten me. I have become a mere memory, a strange thought from the past...

A stranger.

But you, my dear, you are my world.

Words cannot express my regret for allowing you to leave, and I dearly miss you so. I miss you unfathomably and cannot think of anything other than you. I want more of you, more of your memory, at least, if you are unwilling to come back to me. I want to wrap you in my arms and never allow you to leave, I want to completely surrender myself to you in any way you wish, I wish to be yours once again. I yearn for every bit of you, and I believe I always will. I adore you madly, almost foolishly. I am not as happy without you, but I know you are happy, or at least that is what I tell myself to comfort me in my moments of uncontrollable sadness. I have been in love with no other, and never shall, unless it should be you once again. I dream of you every night and long to have you back here with me, although I know it can never be. Your memory tortures me day, and night, and I envy every creature you come in contact with as I know I will never be one of them again.

And so, I stand in the grand manor of yours, keeping to myself in the corner, watching as you dance around happily with the woman who is soon to be your wife.

Your smile hasn't changed, neither has the way your eyes light up when you're happy.

I relearn all your mannerisms as you spin around, and a smile graces my lips as I forget how I am not the one you are smiling with. I laugh softly to myself when you stumble, I mimic some motions you do with your hands, just so I can memorize them, and I smile at the feeling you ignite in me.

Eventually, reality crashes down as you yell out to your fiancé to do a certain dance with you, and the bubbly feeling in my stomach turns to dread, and I tilt my head down, attempting to force back any negative emotion.

I shouldn't be here.

Getting up, I quietly escape the crowded ballroom, and I take a deep breath, failing to suppress my tears of agony. The feelings of loneliness and reality crash against me, metaphorically stabbing me in many different places, although at this point, I can't tell metaphors from how my body is actually reacting.

My negative emotions turn to physical feelings, and I stop walking down the hallway once I'm far enough from the ballroom as the anguish is too much to bear. I slide down the wall and pull my legs up to my chest, crying out loud, my sobs echoing against the empty walls.

It hits me again that I am not good enough, and that your love belongs to another, another that I resent.

But I know you're happy, and for that I'm grateful.

I will sacrifice my happiness for yours, even if your happiness means I am a stranger to you,

A shadow in your memory.