The Boy Next Door

Epilogue

Eighteen Years Later

Dear Dad,

I write this to you with the realisation of the fact that I stand where you stood eighteen years ago, alone with my children. It's been eight years since Kathy left us, eight years! The question is Dad, why me? First Harry, my beloved brother and great friend, then my Mum, and now my wife and best friend, Kathy.

Dad, she lied to me, she told me that she'd never leave me alone, she'd never let me face any problem alone or to bear any pain alone. She said she'll always be here, here to help me find the silver lining in every cloud. A way out of problems and that faith and hope exist and that nothing in the world is hopeless. She said she'd be here in rain or shine, in storm and when the sea's calm. She said she'll fulfill her promise. The sea got calm and we were sailing swiftly but then she left us. Dad, she was the anchor of the ship and now I'm anchoring and sailing it alone, some promises are meant to be broken, I guess no matter how hard we try.

Here I stand, with my twelve-year-old daughter and eight-year-old son without her. I brought them up not leaving a gap for them to realise that there mother is not here for them but I guess some gaps and spaces can't be filled no matter how hard we try. None of them have memories of her and when they ask, how can I tell them about my past and how Kathy helped us? They are too young to understand and to know about all that. Maybe one day when they get older, I'll tell them, when they are wiser, I'll explain it to them how Kathy helped me and you build an understanding and about my past.

 When Lucy turns thirteen in the coming January, I plan to hand her her mother's things and to let Mark and Allysse tell her about all the memories she (Kathy) gave them. Lucy was four when Kathy died and when she asks me, "Daddy, why did Mummy leave us?". It makes me think that why did she, why did she lie to me? Why did she break her promise? She said she'd never turn her back at me but isn't this equivalent to it?

Sometimes when I see those marks, those scars, I remember those days and how we had first met, how we bumped into each other and how much I had dis-liked and then how much she had changed and was like an angel helping us to build an understanding, to know the truth and mend the weak bond of the Neesham family.

Dad, I wonder if I'm being a good father or not. Do my children also try to tell me something and I am not listening to them or are they afraid to tell me? What if they become who I was? I remember Kathy's last words: "I love you, Stu, I love Lucy and Jamie, all of you more than anything. Take care of yourselves and don't let misunderstandings take over.....I love..you." What if we do have misunderstandings between us? Am I passing or failing to bring up a tween girl? And am I proving to be a good father for an eight-year-old lad?

I wish our family was like Mark and Allysse's, complete and happy. Allysse always encourages me and so does Mark that I'm a great father, I hope I am in the eyes of my children too.

Dad today Jamie saw my scars and asked what they were, Lucy saw them too. I said they were kitchen injuries but I don't think Lucy believes me, should I tell her what Kathy and I hid from the world? Or should I let this secret die with me? I sometimes think of telling them and almost do but then I take a u-turn, I'm a coward ain't I?

 I wish Kathy was here, she was the one who picked me up, fixed me, assembled me and me strong. Today, my heart aches for her. My ears long to hear her, my eyes long to see her, her smile in person and my soul aches for her existence. After all these years, I can never forget those five years before being to each other in marriage and five years after it. These were the best ten years of my life and I'd give up anything to bring them back, to bring her back.

I thought over the idea of marrying again for the sake of my children but keeping Tasmin in mind, I can't torture my children and more than this, I cannot bear any woman in Kathy's place. Even after all these years, I dream of her, think of her and love like I used to years ago. And I'm aware of this fact that I shall die loving her, only her, like she did, loving me, only me.

And every nineteenth March, I go to the graveyard putting those flowers on her grave which she held on her wedding as a remembrance to our wedding that day.

 Ninth May used to be my favourite day. Remember? We'd go on family outings, you, Mum, Harry and me, the four of us. But I never thought it would become a black day and the day I hated the most. The day we discovered Kathy had cancer which was in its last stage and she died the same day, leaving all of us behind, alone in this world. How I wish that that day would be the one when the Neesham family would happily be in the car humming happy tunes and songs on their way to a picnic or some outing not remembering Katherine Neesham or mourning on her death but I guess that is life, unfair, cruel and against our will, we have to carry on walking because we can't stop. At times I wish I could press rewind and bring all the happiness back or press pause and end this but we don't have a choice, we have to continue because there are no alternatives.

Dad, now I understand why you'd be so strict and why'd you be so caution about me especially when I was under eighteen. Those barriers we're because you didn't want me to have fun but because you wanted the better for me and you succeed Dad, you did and I can't thank you enough for teaching me what was right and what was wrong and by loving me in a way that I didn't feel absence of Mum and for trying to fill every gap and spaces, Dad, thanks for everything you really are the best father one could ask for. Dad, I love you.

Lucy, Jamie and I will soon be there in Sydeny to spent summer holidays with you (this June). See you then and take care,

All the love,

Your beloved son,

Stuart