Club - a Breddy Fanfic.

42) Waking

Sunlight peeks through the curtains and shines on the two men still sleeping.
The light tingles Brett nose and he wakes up a bit.
Huh? Where is he?
He's lying on something soft... No, someone!
He looks up at the sleeping man underneath his head. Eddy?
Slowly the events of the night before come back to him. He startles when he remembers his panic attack. It hasn't happened this intense in a long time.
Oh God, what will Eddy think?
And he cried his eyes out after as well. He can still feel them being weird, all dry and possible even red still. He must look horrible.
He looks around, blinking against the light. It feels like someone is playing tennis inside his head, his headache getting worse with every smash.
He looks at Eddy again. Poor, sweet Eddy... he must have thought he got himself a nice boyfriend and would have hot sex, but got into a horrible mess instead. Brett swallows with difficulty, regret and shame lurking under his skin.
Shall I leave? Give Eddy peace?
But Eddy asked him to stay yesterday. How will he react today? Eddy can't possibly still want him as a lover after this? Oh God, he has messed up everything, hasn't he?

Eddy stirs, noticing the change in movement and weight of the man against him. He's slowly awakening too, opens his eyes to slits and smiles down at him.
"Good morning, my lovely man." Eddy hums.

"Hi." Brett says shyly.
Did he say lovely? Does he really think that? Or is it just an obligatory remark? Nobody has ever called him 'lovely' before. It sounds strange.

"Did you sleep well?" Eddy asks.

"Better than expected." Brett's head is still on Eddy's shoulder, avoiding eye contact. Okay. He should just say this. He needs to know where they stand after last night. "Normally I don't sleep after a panic attack."

"Yeah? Does it happen often?" Eddy asks in a raspy 'I just woke up' voice.
Really? Does he really want to know?

"That I don't sleep?" Brett tries to quip, but one look at Eddy's face tells him it's not the time to joke around. He needs to be honest now, doesn't he?

"Not in this severity for a long time, no." he says quietly. It's so hard to talk about it. He only ever talked to his therapist about his panic attacks. And of course Mason knows some, because he has seen more than Brett wants. "But it used to be worse." He remembers the times he cried himself to sleep, only passing out from exhaustion. Back then he was alone most of the time. But now Eddy was there, has seen the depth of his anxiety. Will he think less of him? He swallows again.
"You got me out much quicker than anyone ever did." He tells him truthfully.

"I got you out? Really? So I did reach you?" Eddy hugs him firmly "I felt so helpless, thought I couldn't do anything for you."

"Yeah. I heard your voice through the darkness. Not many people have been able to reach me when I'm like that. I don't hear anything anymore." Well, before Eddy that was. "I'm sorry, Eddy. I ruined our first night." To his own surprise his lower lip quivers slightly.

Eddy shakes his head. "No. I'm afraid I did that. I changed positions without asking. If I hadn't done that, it wouldn't have triggered you." Eddy has been thinking about it all night. If he hadn't shifted, nothing would have happened, right?

"I don't know about that. It's not that easy. Sometimes things trigger me that even I don't understand or expect."

"Oh? Do you have an example?"

Brett breathes in deeply and exhales slowly. Oh fuck, he has to tell Eddy how his mind and body work, won't he? Or more specifically, how they don't work.
"Well, for example, touching. Don't surprise me with hugging me out of the blue. There is a big possibility I'll freeze. Or run." It has happened more than once, even a few weeks ago when Vincent playfully attacked him, making him all messed up after, resulting in nightmares for a few nights. But that's not all. "I do have to be honest with you, don't I?"

"Preferably yes. I can only help you when I know things." Eddy starts rubbing his back, drawing circles on his skin.

Okay. Here goes nothing. "It's not only when others touch me. Um..." Oh God. How embarrassing is it to say this. "It's also when I touch myself... You know?" He rarely does it. It's so difficult to push the flashbacks away. "Just recently it finally worked out for once. That was after that extremely hot kiss you gave me last Wednesday." He was so infatuated with Eddy that time, that he was able to push the bad images away. "But before that I was always scared about what tricks my brain would play on me. It seems like it's wired wrongly now."

Eddy doesn't respond for a moment, but keeps drawing circles on his back, making Brett relax. "What happens when you do it?"

"Images from the past force themselves upon me. That's why I never let anyone touch me that way. The nightmares are wired to deep. It's hard to control them."

"Well, now I understand me telling you not having sex for a year would spook you. It must be rally difficult if you can't help yourself. You are a man after all." Eddy kisses him on his hair.

Brett chuckles. "Yeah. It's a miracle that I can have sex anyway. At first it was very scary, but surprisingly it worked out fine. As long as I'm in control and don't feel much for the person I'm with, it's fine."

Suddenly Eddy remembers something he has been wanting to ask Brett for a long time.
"Our first time together... I remember you giving me options of how we would proceed and that you were surprised with the answers I gave you. I've always wondered why. Can you tell me?"

Brett thinks hard for a moment.
"I think it was when I asked you how you wanted me?" Eddy nods. Brett remembers it still. "All the people I've been with before you were in it for their own pleasure. It didn't have much to do with me, it was just a physical thing." He looks up at Eddy, remembering the conversation from back then clearly now. "But you wanted it to be sweet. And you wanted to see me. I had the feeling you didn't only think about fucking, but about the feelings that go with it. It surprised me."
Could he have known then that Eddy would become so important to him in the future?

Eddy chuckles. "I've never done something so rash as going all the way on a first date. It wasn't even a date!" he rolls his eyes. "But I wanted you so badly. Timo said to fuck it out of my system."

Brett smiles against his neck. That is so something Timo would say now, wouldn't he?
"I'm glad he did. But oh God, the day after... I'm so sorry that I ran out on you so suddenly and hurt you with that. I was so not ready for my feelings for you." He sighs. He can be such a moron sometimes. Just like yesterday. He had ruined it back then, and he has ruined it now too. Why is it so hard to behave normally? It should have been long enough. If Eddy doesn't wat to see him anymore because of this, he will miss him so much. He looks at the beautiful man at his side with a sad eyes.
"So what happens now? If we break up, can we please be friends still?"

Eddy blinks in surprise. Where is this suddenly coming from?
"What? Do you want to break up with me?" Looking down at Brett and seeing his sad face he realises suddenly that it must be something else. "Or did I do or say anything that makes you think that I want to?"

"No, of course not, but.... Do you still want to be with me? Even after all this?" Brett swallows hard, trying to keep the hope out of his voice.

But Eddy kisses him softly on his forehead. "Of course. Why wouldn't I?!" He hugs him tight. "Let's get that gold glue ready to fix some cracks, shall we?"

Does Eddy Chen really exist? How can someone be this nice and so sweet? All his faults are on show and yet he's not running?
Brett looks up again, tears in his eyes.
Eddy leans in and kisses him sweetly. He scoots a bit down so he is at the same hight as Brett. The kiss that follows is anything but sweet. Their tongues dance around each other, burning fire emitting a warm glow, deepening and affirming that what they have will continue.

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A/N: Thank you so much for 5,1K reads!!! I'm so happy that people seem to like my story. Also thanks for all the stars and comments. They are the fuel for my Breddy writing; they make me very happy and  motivated to write more.