Club - a Breddy Fanfic.

58) Club - Panic

Timo takes Eddy's hand and drags him towards the dance area.

There! Brett is in the centre, as usual, literally shining under the lights that flicker on and off. He's dancing with Mason and Vincent, his moves smooth and easy, he's clearly enjoying himself. Thank God, there are no women near him.
How can people be so alike in many things, but also so very different? Eddy can't imagine himself there in the centre, moving freely, laughing, having fun, while Brett seems in his element. He would rather be standing at the side, just watching.

Eddy breathes in, manning up. Although it looks like it's been ages, it's been only a week since they made that deal and now he has to follow through. He remembers clearly what Brett said, back then at the Bubble Tea café: 'Option three: I make it clear to everyone that I'm not available anymore. You'll come with me, we dance at the centre of the floor and kiss elaborately so the world can see how it is. The message will reach everyone through gossip within an hour.' That's right. Right there Brett chose to be with him. He needs to focus on that, not some stupid remarks by some stupid girls who don't know anything.
But tonight it's so hard, so very hard to think that Brett would want to be with him like he feels right now: pathetic and lost. Why can't he be confident Eddy now? He has finished therapy, has worked hard for it too. He has learned to love himself. And if not that, at least to live with himself respectfully. Where did all the learned lessons go?

The dance floor comes closer. It feels like he's being pulled into fire, the flames burning his flesh. But Timo's pull is demanding. All that light, flashing everywhere, is way too blinding, scorching him all over. People are looking at him while they pass. What do they see?
'Too tall, skinny, teeth.' The voices won't shut up. Eddy's breath speeds up again. He tries to breathe, but it's so difficult now. It's like trying to suck air through a straw. He looks around in distress, feeling all the eyes on him, seeing him for the pathetic loser he is.
Oh no. No! Who is he kidding? He can't do this, not tonight. He can't go to the centre. They are all looking at him. He can't handle that now. 'Too tall, skinny, teeth.'

Eddy stops in his tracks, halting Timo in his step and pulls his hand free by force. At the surprised look cast backwards from his friend he just shakes his head, turns around and quickly flees towards the bar. The voices in his head are brutal.
Don't run, loser, don't make more of a spectacle of yourself than you already did.
Thank God, there it is: His safe spot. As least as a place can be safe around here. He tries to regulate his heartbeat, breathing as slowly as possible, pushing the panic down. The music isn't helping with that, the rhythm too fast. Why does it have to be so damn hot in here? It's suffocating. Don't these people need oxygen to live?
He vaguely notices the bartender coming up to him and asking what he wants to drink. He just shakes his head sideways.
How pathetic can he be. He needs to get a grip. 'Too tall, skinny, teeth.' No, shut up! Breathe. Just breathe. They are wrong. Breathe. It doesn't matter. Breathe. You are strong. Breathe.

When he looks up after what seems like ages, he sees that Timo has reached Brett and is yelling in his direction while pointing at the bar. Brett instantly turns toward it, looking for him, when he sees him a huge smile emerges on his face. Their gazes connect instantly like always, but the electricity, which normally binds them now flickers in an unstable pulse. It's like someone is playing with the on and off button.
Brett waves and gestures him to come over.
Eddy shakes his head desperately.
"Oh please" he whispers. "Please, don't make me come to you, see that I can't right now. Please, oh please, come to me."
Brett tilts his head to one side and then without hesitation he starts to walk towards the bar. A flicker of hope starts burning in Eddy and his breath steadies a bit. Yes. Brett is here, he will come to him, he'll understand. With every step Brett comes closer the panic subdues bit by bit. Brett's presence pushes the negative words that are playing in the back of his head, on repeat like some fucked up mantra to the background, more and more. Eddy manages a small smile. It'll be okay. He'll be okay.

Brett is almost there, his head a bit to the side, questioning. Does he see Eddy's distress?
Just another 2 meters and Brett holds out his hand to grab Eddy's. Oh how he wants that hug that will follow.
Suddenly Brett is bluntly pushed aside. He even loses his balance and is only saved from a fall to the ground by a bystander who's accidentally in the way.
"What the hell!" Brett growls. He turns towards the inconvenience, his eyebrows drawn together in annoyance.

"Hi Brett." The voice is thick like honey, so sweet it will rot your teeth. "This is my friend Amber. She wanted to meet you so much! Isn't she the loveliest?"
Brett vaguely recognizes the girl in front of him and then looks at the friend she called 'Amber'. The girl in question bats her eyelashes at him, looking through them shyly in a most seductive way.

A few steps away Eddy looks at the play in front of him and feels his heart crumble. Nausea wells up in him hard and he gets lightheaded. The rotting voice deafens all other noises. Oh no, is he going to faint? One thing is sure: he's definitively going to throw up at this rate.

"Huh? Yeah. Excuse me." Brett turns to get to Eddy once more.
"Eddy!" he greets enthusiastically, pushing the hand that tries to get a hold onto his arm away.
The girls glare at Eddy with a ferocity that could burn the whole building down.

"Brett. I... I..." his gaze switches between Brett and the girls, who are looking at him battle ready.
And he wishes he could go to him and hug him. That he could kiss him like they had planned. To tell those bitches to back off and go screw themselves, because Brett is his.
But tonight... tonight he can't. He just can't. God, what a loser. Tears well in his eyes.
"I'm sorry. I need to go." He mumbles, turns his gaze away and then runs towards the exit, leaving Brett behind, dumbfounded.

Air! He needs air! And quickly too, or he will pass out for real. He pushes his way through the crowds while tears start overflowing, finding their way across his cheeks. People are watching him as he rushes by, their gazes burning him with their judgement.
What was he thinking?! Coming here tonight when he was feeling like that. He should have known better. He's not strong enough. He can't deal with this. Not tonight.

---------------------
VNVnation: Armour (outtake)

Guard and armour, protect me when I falter
When I tire of a world that leaves me cold inside

In darkness be the sound and light
Be the beacon, be the guide
In the cause of all you justify

When I wander and far I stray
When this world has failed me
Give me strength and heal my soul
When I'm broken when I'm lost,
And roads seem never ending
Be the path that brings me home
When it feels I can't go on
Let your armour cover me