Heaven's On Fire |Dimebag Darrell

If I Had Only Known

If I had only known
It was the last walk in the rain
I'd keep you out for hours in the storm
I would hold your hand
Like a life line to my heart
Underneath the thunder we'd be warm
If I had only known
It was our last walk in the rain

If I had only known
I'd never hear your voice again
I'd memorize each thing you ever said
And on those lonely nights
I could think of them once more
Keep your words alive inside my head
If I had only known
I'd never hear your voice again

August 6th, 1999

  A week ago, Carolyn was finally able to be seen by her doctor. Both Darrell and I decided to take her ourselves. The appointment was going well till it was noted that there was a lump within one of her breasts was discovered. Carolyn was referred to a specialist by that point. During the appointment and even when we went to drop his mother off, Darrell stayed strong, wasn't till we reached our home was when he finally allowed himself to break down.

  The thought of breast cancer scared us both. I went through this once before and because of it, I was more fit to be there for Darrell knowing that he needed me. It hurt me just the same though. I didn't want to feed my husband false promises, so instead, we both held one another and cried. I knew that I needed to stay strong and be there for both Vinnie and Darrell, just like how they have been there for me, it was my turn now.

  Darrell didn't want to keep his older brother on edge, we agreed it was better that we let him know what was going on. Once we did, Vinnie made it clear in how he needed to be there for any further appointments. So, he came with us two days ago when the specialist needed to run further tests. Today we were seated within the doctor's office with her results, saying we were a ball of nerves was an understatement. Could I go through this again?

  The four of us were staring at the doctor who sat in front of us, he reached for the results but not without releasing a sigh of his own. This couldn't be good. In seconds, I was suddenly 17 all over again, sitting next to my mother like now, as we were given the news. I felt sick. "Listen, Mrs. Abbott. I am going to cut to the chase. The results don't look good. Your tests show that your cancer is aggressive. We can try and get you started on chemotherapy as soon as possible, but in my honest opinion, it's not going to do much. At this point, your cancer is in advanced stages," he tried to explain. Vinnie frowned, "well no one asked for your opinion," he spat. Carolyn knew that he was upset, she did her best to calm him by placing her hand upon her oldest.

  Not showing fear, Carolyn turned her attention back to the doctor, "how long do I have?" We all sat quietly while we waited for his answer, felt like an eternity. I slipped my hand into Darrell's in hope that we could give each other the strength we both needed. Feeling his hand squeeze mine gave me reassurance. The doctor casted his eyes down to his desk, "I honestly am not sure," his voice going quiet. I could tell that this was hard for him as well. Vinnie pulled his hand away from his mother, "then we do chemo!" he raised his voice. Cutting her son off, "no, I will not do chemo!" The three of us all looked to her confused. For a woman who had just found out that her cancer was terminal, she stayed calm. Vinnie looked to his mother heart broken, "but mom..." Raising her hand out to him, she silenced him instantly. "I refuse to spend my last remanding days on this earth doing chemotherapy and feeling sick all the time. I would rather spend the rest of the time I have with you kids, making memories," she explained further. As selfish as I wanted to be, demand that she gives treatment a chance, I understood her reasoning. I saw what chemo did to my mother. It destroyed the last bit of who she was. Carolyn didn't want to go out that way.

  Vinnie realized in what his mother was telling him and didn't fight her, instead he slumped back into his chair with defeat in his eyes. I looked over at Darrell and saw that he just sat there quietly. I knew he was in though as his eyes focused on the desk in front. Squeezing his hand brought him back to me, his beautiful blues finally looking back. Darrell cleared his throat from emotion, "let's get going," he stated. Letting my hand go, he stood up and began making his way out of the office. My heart was hurting for both brothers.