IHPL 1: Kielandro Narcissuss Madrigal (Completed)

CHAPTER 10

Agree or Disagree

I wasn't sure if he'll consider my offer or to be exact my call for help. But all I know, right now, I'm in a situation where I bid and bet in a very serious game. Putting all of my hope and faith in this. If he'll refuse, it would be my doom. I am risking everything in this that only his agreement would suffice the emptiness and confusions that I'm carrying.

In my own accord, it was skeptical and outrageous.

He pathetically laughed. "You think so?"

Napayuko ako ng marinig yon. "Can you atleast consider it? Alam kong wala akong karapatan na humingi ng tulong sa'yo o kahit lumapit man sa'yo pero kailangan ko talaga ng tulong mo. My future lies and depends on successing this project."

"You got it then... Wala kang karapatan. I think you'll know my answer to that. I don't plan on helping you neither accepting it."

"P-Pero..." I can't stop my emotions from taking over. Hindi ko mapigilan ang sarili kong makaramdam ng sobrang hiya. Ano pa bang sasabihin ko para mapasagot siya? Ano pa bang dapat kong gawin para pumayag siya? I don't know what to do anymore.

"Stop bothering me..." Kalmado niyang sabat at tumayo na galing sa pagkaka-upo. "It is best for you to leave now while I'm still being patient."

Hindi ko alam ang sunod kong ginawa. It's my body going overboard. Nakita ko nalang ang sariling hawak-hawak ang kamay niya. Hindi ko na talaga alam kong ano ang pinag-gagagawa ko. I am just dead serious with this, and future is connected with the possible results. Desperada na kung desperada.

"Please Kiel, any- anything you want."
I never treated myself so lowly like this, not to anyone. Kneeling and pleading in front of a man. I value and treasure self respect and self worth so much pero dahil lang dito nakalimutan ko na ang lahat ng 'yon. Dahil sa kanya, my views in life subsided.

I just found myself kneeling and pleading in front of the guy I hurted before. Sa harapan ng lalaking nagawan ko ng napakalaking atraso.

I can't eat those boundaries nor it can feed my family. Mas importe ang pamilya ko kaysa do'n. Wala na akong pakealam kong ano man ang tingin niya sa'kin. Total, matagal nadin naman akong sira sa mga mata n'ya. Wala na akong pakealam kong sobrang baba na ng tingin niya saakin. All I want is to make him agree with my plea.

Narinig ko siyang napabuntong hininga. "Stop provoking me. You don't know how much i'm trying, holding and stopping myself from bursting out."

Sinubukan kong tignan siya sa mga mata and suddenly things happened. Fragments of memories emerged, came flashing back in my mind.  It was unpleasant and uncomfortable at the same time. 'Yong feeling na kahit parte na ng buhay mo ang mga memories na 'yon, ayaw mo ng balikan at alalahanin pa, knowing you're at fault.

I know the mistakes I committed before. Alam na alam ko 'yon. I was down that time that even living just became an option to me. Cruelty emerged in my mind that I think of ending everything. Hiyang-hiya ako. I ruined our treasured friendship, I ruined his happiness.

His fuming rage skyrocketed and was forced to transform into a more fiery rage of anger just like the fuming burst of fire. Parang pinapaso ako sa matatalim niyang tingin.

I can see something in his dark blank eyes. Even if it's just a glimpse, even though it was unclear, I am sure that there is something more to it, just like a lit of beacon from a lighthouse.

His eyes communicates like the feeling of a silent sound of sorrowful tune. The hatred and pain showcased like a sparkling caravan. Even though everything happened three years ago, alam kong hindi madali sa kanya na kalimutan ang lahat ng 'yon. I know that it was still so fresh in his mind, kahit sa patuloy niyang pamumuhay sa araw-araw ay dala-dala parin niya.

If only I haven't covered everything just for my selfish gain, just for my sake. If only I haven't covered everything just for my personal profit. Maybe, everything would still be the same as it was. Maybe everything would have not come this far. Baka buhay pa siya hanggang ngayon at masaya silang dalawa.

Alam kong kasalanan ko lahat. I know everything is
my fault but I kept letting myself believe in thought that I was also a victim, that I wasn't at fault. Yes. I was so indenial to the point na isinisi ko na sa ibang tao ang kasalanang simulat't sapul, ako ang may gawa. It may sound wrong but that's the thing that kept me alive and going until this day. The fact of believing that false thought.

I realized it just now, I was so insensitive. I didn't think what he would feel seeing the person who's the cause of his grief and sorrow. Coming here was a big mistake. I didn't think of the consequences that might occur not just in the physical situation, but also in the emotional and mental state of the person, of him

Yeah, I didn't think how my presence would affect greatly and ruin the barrier he built to protect himself from me. Seeing me just makes him remember everything that happened in the past.

"I- I was insensitive. I know that... Tell me whatever you want. Call me disgusting or shameless, I won't mind, but I just want you to think, what can I do? Ano pang magagawa ko? I am bewilderingly imprisoned in this situation I am in. Hindi kona alam kung ano na 'tong pinagagagawa ko."

He stayed silent. It was my cue to state what I want to say.

"I am not asking for your pity or sympathy. I just want and need your help. I know, no one else could greatly reach this shamelessness I am showing. I'm sorry for being so audacious, acting and requesting something like this out of the blue like nothing happened to us before, but you're the only person that I could reach to with this thesis."

"No. Whatever you say, my decisions won't change. Just leave," tanging sagot niya sa pagmamaka-awa ko. Iwinaksi niya ang mga kamay ko bago tinahak ang daan palabas sa lugar.

Wala akong nagawa kung hindi ay mapaupo nalang sa sahig at umiyak. Tapos na talaga. Ginawa kona ang lahat, but nothing seems to work. Mas lumala lang yata. Dapat ko nabang tanggapin ang katotohanan na tanga't bobo talaga ako at hindi na talaga makaka-graduate?

Malalim akong napabuntong hininga.

Everything just seem out of original or it may seem thought as something extraordinary. Whatever the answer is, doom is doom. Closed chapter is impossible to re-open.

His disagreement was all clear. He said and made it clear in front of me.

I just found myself unwrapping the cloak I created as I welcome the severe pain of losing even the smallest lit of fire from the burning torch I created to suffice my doubts and everything.