what's out there ( a poetry story )

to my future son

to my future baby boy

dear isaiah,
you are one of the eggs sitting in my ovaries right now, but i want to write you a letter, right now, mama is 21 years old, things might change after i write this because, i don't know when you are gonna come, but know i waited for you all my life, my dream was and is to be your mommy. isaiah, i want you to listen to me, because i don't want you to make the same mistakes that i have made in my life, and i will be making more, everyone always says i will be having girls, but i feel that you are a boy, you're my purpose, my other half that i have been waiting for and will continue to wait till it is my time to have you. mama is not perfect and she will never be, society has standards but i want you to have your own standards, i want you to be stronger then me, and think twice before you do something, because you live with what you do, the past never defines you, but it will build you into who you will be in the future, i need you to tell me things and talk to me, know that i will never judge you, because mama waited till the last straw to get the help she needed for the demon fucking with her head, you are more then what your thoughts tell you, and you are more then what someone has to say about you or behind your back, know that if someone brings up your past to laugh about or to shove in your face, know that it was a learning experience and they also have done something they are not proud of. you are human baby, you will make mistakes, you will fall, but you will not stay down and let others step on you like mama did. you fight your own battles and at the end of the day, love will always be at home waiting for you. i need you to be better then me, stronger then me, and more forgiving then me. forgiving others and giving them a second chance, but never for the same mistake, and forgiving yourself, it took me almost 12 years to forgive myself for the things i have done. no one is perfect, not even me, i need you to understand, you can't be in your head, it will ruin you, destroy you, don't bottle things up, talk to someone, to me, don't let people at school bring you to the worst level you can go to, cause that's where mama was and that's what she did, fall and took a long time to stand back up. don't talk to people about your problems or life, cause they will use it against you and they do not care. i want you to talk to allah about it, or write about it, draw even. the only person you can trust is allah, trust is an important thing isaiah, not everyone deserves your trust and not everyone will keep your secrets or stories, you need to keep them in a safe house, it's better if you don't speak, let them talk about you, but never let their words affect your living. the most important thing in your life is you and your mental health. mama loves you, and you're not even existing yet. but i love you, and so does your daddy, whoever he is. you're my king isaiah, i can't wait till i can tell the world i am having you. mama loves you times infinity.