𝕊𝕒𝕕 𝕤𝕠𝕝𝕓𝕪 𝕠𝕟𝕖𝕤𝕙𝕠𝕥𝕤 ♡

If tomorrow starts without me

If tomorrow starts without me, and I'm not here to see,

If the sun should rise and you find your eyes all filled with tears for me."

Or

Colby's depressed. Colby also only has 5 months left to live. He doesn't know how to tell the people he loves most.
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No one in the house knew that Colby brock was going to die in five months.

Colby didn't know when the appropriate time to tell them would be, let alone what exactly he would say. It's not like he could just go up to his friends one day and declare, " I have an incurable illness and the doctors say that I only have twenty two weeks left to live. Oh and by the way, what videos are we shooting today?"

He knows he owes it to them after all they've been through together. They've supported him through everything, even when the entire world was against him. They forgave him for always pushing them away and staying in his room when times got to tough, befriending him like he was one of theirs. They never made fun of him for having anxiety or for the days where getting out of bed was too exhausting.

They never blamed him for needing time alone or for being himself.

After all that, Colby doesn't know why he still hesitates now when it comes to this.

Personally, he doesn't think it's that big of a deal. He has always maintained the position that life would have been better for everyone if he had never been born, knowing deep down that all his friends could benefit from his leave. Still his mind lingers on Sam. He can't bare to leave Sam alone, no matter how hard his depression fought against him. No matter what the doctors declared. He could never leave Sam, no, not like this.

He doesn't mind dying, but he minds that Sam will morn him in ways he knows will destroy him.

Even though Colby has never actively made plans, there was something sinister at the back of his mind always. A quiet voice always present, telling him that he didn't deserve to be here any longer. It had gotten so bad last year that Colby had firmly made the intention not to step out of the way of a falling railing coming down from the abandoned building they were adventuring. It would of been the perfect way to go. It would all be an accident.

In a way, Colby is grateful that the decision has been taken out of his hands. For him, it's a source of great relief. Even if seeing the way sam scream his name and push him out of the way in the nic of time did make his heart ache painfully for the next few weeks.

For some reason, he has the feeling that the house has always been able to see right through him. Even in his darkest of days where he exhaust himself with masking hes always confused when the house never lets themselves leave his side. Always complimenting him when they see his self esteem has dropped. Always volunteering to eat out where he likes best. Always staying up late past there sleep schedule so they could all form little nest of limbs and softness as they gather on the too small couch to watch Colby's favorite tv shows. He knows they care, deeply in ways he can't comprehend. Yet having to face them and tell them what is destined to happen seems...cruel? He doesn't have an explanation as of why he's sick. Doesn't have the answers they need from him.

And what makes it worse is he doesn't want to fight it. He'd rather drown in his own illness, one guaranteed to kill him then face the fact that he was going to end up doing it himself one day.

He says as much to Brennan when he's lying down on the lumpy couch in Brennens studio apartment later that week, clutching a trash can close to his chest as nausea rolls in his stomach while praying he doesn't throw up his meager breakfast of half a toast and water.