Fallen From Grace

Green Eyed Monster

In middle school I don't know if I had the touch of the green eyed monster but all I knew was Suzanna had a new friend. Lauren. She was a new girl in our first year because Suzanna and I had come from the previous adjoining school and now I wasn't even getting a look in anymore. I'd have been happier if we could all hang out together however three was definitely a crowd by Lauren because I could telI. I could feel this energy from her that she didn't like me and wanted more than anything to steer Suzanna away from me and even though me and Suzanna kind of talked I was gutted all their time was spent on each other. Feeling left out and rejected by Suzanna I knew what the problem was, Lauren!

Instead of pining quietly to myself I told Lauren what I thought of her - in a letter. I'd have considered saying it to her face if I could speak properly so it all came out in what adults described as a nasty letter. Apparently the girls Dad phoned the school when she'd taken it home and then my Dad got involved so then I never wrote anyone a letter ever again as Dad said "things in black and white can be used against you." He also explained what I put was inappropriate. Maybe I shouldn't have apologized to Lauren but I felt bad enough to. It didn't sit right with me if I really had upset her but all it got me was iced out as they both turned their backs on me walking away.

"What was that?" Lauren said to Suzanna.

I'd said I was sorry but if she needed to hear it again because I wasn't above saying it...

"I'm sorry."

"I think that was the wind talking," Suzanna replied.

I went somewhere to burst into tears, my best friend who I'd had for years was turned against me and from her those words cut deep. I had no one. Everybody had someone, I was on my own and it also meant I was a sitting duck for bullies.

As I had a fluorescent pink cooler lunch bag from my Mom the kids would take the piss out of it so I had one rule, they took the piss I whacked them with it and quite gladly I saw they actually doubled down in pain. I quite enjoyed doing this as I got sick and tired finding the majority of kids had a nasty streak and got some satisfaction. After a while I was asked by a dinner lady to remove stones from my lunchbox. I wouldn't dream of putting stones next to or nearby my food but I let her have a look and she saw there were no stones. What it was, was my drink bottle weighing heavily because it's fluid and it would come heavy.
I also avoided Scott who had a violent temper and threw stuff but who equally had the charm and charisma to be quite likable. I used to sit next to him in maths and English with Mrs Morton as our form teacher and he'd always comment on how lovely my handwriting was but he was always in trouble with the teachers for something, that's why I avoided him but I did realise when someone was crushing on me and thinking I was all wonderful. He was alright if we were one on one together but the types of people he hung around with were even more trouble than him so I stayed well clear.

I eventually befriended a girl called Charlene. She was lovely, kind, patient all the things I would want in a friend and we did things together outside of school. Her older sister would come to mine and cut our hair so my family and I formed a close attachment to this family. Charlene had these two dogs with big floppy ears running around at home that I would try and play with. They were Cavalier King Charles Spaniels and they were cute. Charlene was a friend but after trying to hang out with her and her other mates, (I say tried, because I could feel they didn't want me by excluding me from any type of conversations and it was all awkward) so Charlene had me to the one side after I walked off thinking this was awful and she said to me...

"I don't mind hanging out with you and there'll be days when it's just me and you but they'll be other days where I'll want to be with my other friends."

I took this very personally because now I felt I was an after thought after her "real friends" like I should be so lucky to spend time with her and I was so hurt, I could see in a roundabout way she was trying to be nice because maybe awful things could happen to me in a group where I wasn't accepted but I couldn't do that to myself living in hope she'd want me one day and not the other. I distanced myself. I didn't stop speaking to her so for the majority of the time I amused myself singing songs from Calamity Jayne and Mary Poppins around the school fields. I would sit and make daisy chains and rearrange all the loose grass the school mower had cut and put it around me into a circle pretending it was my little house. It was good I had an imagination because it kept me entertained, and I would create short stories from using it. I did a story about a frog at that age and it's adventures and actually when I was asked what I wanted to be when I was older all I ever wanted to be was an Author.