Fallen From Grace

Behind Closed Doors

On another occasion when I was allowed back into school Marc was egging me to do something I should not in our 14 year section telling me that he'd forever love me if I poked Sophie with a pencil and amongst him, a lot of people were egging me on to to it.

"Go on..." he said.

I looked at him over the other side of the bench.

"I'll forever love you if you do this," he said.

I had to do something. Everyone was looking at me, but as I looked at Sophie, I didn't want to actually hurt her. I quickly formed an idea. I took my pencil and wedging it between my little finger and my thumb it looked like I did it when really the indentation from the pencil was between my two fingers and waved it behind myself close to Sophie just to make it look like something was happening. The next thing I knew, this girl Safina came on up to me from the back row and smacks me around the face. Everyone saw, I remember getting up looking at her and then turning on my heels to cry it out in the toilets. When I came back, I expected to be the subject of ridicule and that they could find fault in what I did, but actually, what surprised me this wasn't one of those times. I heard someone say Safina went too far because, as they were all saying, Sophie didn't actually get hurt.

My Mom and sister got to hear about the event, though, and I don't think Annie's ever forgiven her.

Towards the end of the year, in December, I was in the year 14 locker area. It was late afternoon, and school had finished because I had come down from an English class, and then Dan walked past. I didn't think anything of it he then walked in a semi-circle in the same area and tossed something into the air. It was obviously for me as no one was around. It definitely had my name on. I opened it, and it was a Christmas card from him with a reindeer pulling a sleigh full of presents on the front, and he signed it

"To Kimberly..."

and put his name at the bottom with a few kisses. It was the first time he'd gone out of his way to show me he was at all interested, but that was the only thing he did. A lad too embarrassed to do anything with me was annoying, upsetting and I didn't know what to do about that, and again, as he went to join his friends behind the wall I was devastated. What was so embarrassing about me? Why wouldn't he be seen with me?

That year on Boxing Day, there was a fun surprise! Whereas before us cousins played about with car sets, Barbie's, kitchen sets, or even the Lancaster's piano the Lancaster's developed this quiz because as we were now young teenagers we could mix with other adults. What I didn't like about it were two things - I didn't know any of the answers, it just reminded me I was stupid a bit thick and didn't know anything so I took our loosing very hard even though I developed a poker face because secondly whoever lost if it happened to be us Middletons the Lancaster's couldn't let us loose gracefully. There was teasing and mockery - I hated every second of it because I felt humiliated and violated by the time they had finished. What I hated about it even more was that smug satisfaction in the Lancaster's eyes when they drummed it into my skull that to be Middleton was the most awful family name to be associated with because it wasnt just about good natured teasing they won in quizzes. This carried on into other family events. That the Lancaster's did things a certain way, that they were healthy and went for walks and not like us, and tried insinuating we were lazy. The point that was made that they had a high opinion of themselves and us "Middleton's" weren't good enough, and this was my Dad's name. It felt like a dig at him.

When it came to New Year's Eve as a family, we tended to celebrate it over at Mom's friends house Heav. Heav had bought a massive house since her husband came into money. You had to be buzzed in through Heav's gate (as you had to drive down country roads to get there) and on your left, you pulled on to their pebble and very long driveway with a massive field that was part of their house on your left (because Heav's husband Daniel actually created renewal of their vows on that field.) Once we were parked and the car was stationary we would be let in around the back of the house which would lead straight into Heav's husband's office. They did have a front door, but it never ever got used. I had a lot of fun times in that house, and I jumped up and down in Daniel's office on his leather sofa singing Mambo number Five, and us girls acted our own horror films out. I played hide and seek (unfortunately I got stuck down their wishing well) but I won the game but I also remember the interior of that house, the dark wooden staircase that ran up from the main door corridor to the bedrooms and the dark wood that ran through the house from the skirting boards, to all the doors.
In the living room, Heav had this five seater leather couch with a massive inch TV on the wall with speakers in at least two corners. In the adjoining room was a snooker table and a little mini bar over the far left of the corner. If you carried on down past the bar into another corridor for another room, there would be an indoor swimming pool with showers and changing rooms. As a family, they had up to date computers and kitchen fridges that pushed ice into your drink on hot days and, of course, up to date cars, and Heav had a silver Jaguar. So, I always remember this specific day Heav picked me up from school (Mom had probably asked her) and she was standing in the carpark with this long leather jacket with her short hair and smoking a fag and when she pulled off from that school grounds and I waved at some friends by the road side this one girls face dropped, her eyes widened and her thick lips moved, "oh my gawd Kimberly!"