Fallen From Grace

Mom's Army

Any time I found the courage to bring the issue of Mom up to the rest of my family (because as a family we aren't a binding force when it comes to our internal problems) I didn't know what kinds of responses I would get. I was hoping for understanding, a little bit of sympathy and a way to resolve this. When I went to Annie's house I brought up the awkward conversation about Mom. I was getting good at sitting in my own discomfort over discomforting topics so I knew I could do this and I repeated a direct quote that Mom has said.

"She said I am going to be a fat bride."

I was hoping for some sort of concern if that, for Annie to agree what was said was actually very painful to have to hear and Mom should never have said it and using that as a way to talk it all out. 

"I've talked to Mom about this," she says, sighing as she gave a mini eye roll.

That response made my heart sink and my chest tightened.

"I can get where you're coming from and the way you are looking at things.."

But?

"Mom just doesn't want to see you get bigger for your wedding day."

It was a non judgmental response and kinder way of explaining at least.

"So when she is telling me I'll be a fat bride - is cruel yeah?"

Annie lies her head back on her couch.

"She doesn't see it like that. I don't really want to get in the middle."

But Mom was putting her in the middle because I knew how Mom when she wanted to talk to someone to bitch and moan to, she would ring her to complain about me and Annie would listen.

"How does she see it?"

I might get some answers out of Annie just because it had always bothered me the fact that Annie would listen whereas if I didn't want to know something about such and such a person I wouldn't be having this conversation but she hesitated which made my heart flutter.

"She's thinking if she shocks you enough you'll change things about your food."

Unlike Annie I didn't feel comfortable expressing a sigh. Everything still remained tight in my throat, my chest and my voice which came out very strained.

"It's cruel."

I felt like crying right here right now on this two seater couch. I couldn't say anything more about Mom right now without crying. I'd never felt comfortable at all expressing emotions to my family because I didn't like feeling the state of overwhemlness inside of me. I sat with it as Annie explained Mom to me which although I'd asked it was still disheartening to hear because it showed more understanding towards Mom rather than our sisterly bond because I was coming to her with a problem with my feelings badly hurt.

I knew one thing for sure, Annie got to hear everything through Mom and once I'd calmed down from a heightened state my goal was (because I was going to tell her how I felt) on the betting that she'd go back to Mom and relay the information especially that I found Mom cruel, and that she was damaging our relationship.

"It's the tough love response," Nan finally said to me explaining her daughter over a cup of tea. "She thinks if she shocks you enough you'll do something."

I had this conversation with Annie so I was a little more prepared.

"But the words she is saying are in fact - cruel."

I didn't come outright and call her daughter cruel it may have triggered a different response if I did but I had to try and gain some understanding from someone.