Fallen From Grace

Man's Best Friend

On the 24th February two days after my Mom's birthday I got ready for Nan's funeral. I wore black trousers, a new black coat I'd bought in the January sale and I then managed to squeeze my feet into size three boots. After this event I was determined to get a size four in every shoe I owned because I decided I could no longer be a size three as these boots pinched both my big toes and heels. My cousin Bridget came to our house with her Mom's Mom and we spoke over Bridget's new home as Andy made teas and coffees, that was until quarter to twelve came.

As Nan wished, the funeral car drove past her old home with her in the coffin saying goodbye to her beloved house for the last time. Amongst all the other cars we had parked briefly before her house waiting for the funeral car to arrive and in fact when I saw the coffin coming up past us on the hill everyone in the car went deathly silent. The final day was here where we said goodbye to Nan and although I didn't cry in the car following going to the crematorium but the second as I waited at the crematorium right at the front door and then they got that coffin out I made a conscious but obvious effort not to look as I put my hand up at an attempt to not see and just cried. My Aunt standing next to my Uncle just put her arm over me.

I walked into that room to listen to Nans eulogy. I was in that front row trying not to look at the coffin and listened to the lady behind the little stand but then every so often I looked back, glancing at the flowers on the top of the coffin. It was a beautiful eulogy with many things said about Nan and obviously I uttered a high sob when it was mentioned about her looking forward to her Tuesday visits from Kimberley and my Mom was the same over something else said but I knew one thing once this was over and it was time to get up I couldn't run out of the building in a mad panic to cry, I knew I'd feel overwhelming pressure to want to hide as public shows of emotions had never been my thing but then I'd miss the whole session where we all responded to each other and I wanted to be a part of that, and that's what I decided. This was my Nan's funeral, she was my Nan, no one expected me to look my best and I would be surrounded by friends and family. There was this elder gentleman who didn't follow protocol and got up to leave when family was meant to first. I think he was upset, too overwhelmed to face others that's why I reckoned he didn't follow protocol but I wondered how this gentleman knew my Nan, what his name was and if I could have stopped him.

As I was the first person to leave which I was a little nervous about being the first person to lead everyone so I held my head up when the time came, didn't look at anyone and then obviously I noticed this gentleman skipped out of the crematorium so fast I didn't catch him but then as soon I was out here family started coming on out and greeting everyone I did so with trembling and shaking legs.

There was a woman in a wheelchair Pam, I understand that she had had a leg amputated years ago so I went and spoke to her to find out how she was and then when Annie came up to me she said what no one else would have.

"Your mascara is over here on your face."

Then she helped discreetly take it off even though other people would have probably seen it by now. With my own two legs I shook as mingled and I talked to people, they talked to me and I asked how others I didn't know how they knew my Nan so I acknowledged everybody who was in this room. I accepted soothing hugs but oddly I couldn't give out hugs. I was holding myself over my neck and chest with my two hands because it was self soothing for me.

I saw Judy, I was glad to see a friendly face as she spotted me from the rest of the crowd and smiled. I invited Judy here today and she came on over and gave me a hug as if to say to everybody she was here as my friend today. It was also an added bonus because she knew Nan and various other people in my family like my Mom and sister and Mom's cousin Andrea to be able to converse and speak to.

After going up and speaking to my Auntie when Judy was conversing with Andy I was then lumbered with a box.

"Give this to your Mom," she says.
"Oh, okay - what is it?"
"It's a box of tapes."