Fallen From Grace

It Just Wasn't Meant To Be

I was sitting in the pub at the back window far away from everyone else with my new friend Joseph. I was holding my coke and I just felt just a shell of myself. It was a brilliantly sunny day and I observed some of the comings and goings out the window.

"I hate what he's done to you," Joseph said.

I nodded. After going through what I went through with Aron to finally push through the other side of this "Aron addiction" I felt like I'd been through a major operation and all my lungs and major organs with all the rest of my insides had been taken out. I just knew within myself whatever I did next, however I rebuilt myself I'd be forever changed.

"It looks like you need a hug," he said.

No. I flinched. I didn't need or want a hug. I knew it came from a good caring place but I didn't want to say anything that might offend him. I didn't want anyone to touch me because I had got to that kind of a place. I was comfortable enough with him sitting opposite the table.

I had gotten to know Joseph a lot. He was kind, caring and he had an incredible sense of humour. We got on so well at the special needs place and now we did a lot of things together as friends. Now, I'd appreciate a box of fags and something like a meal to talk about anything else other than Aron and less moments of solitude. Which is what we did and we ordered burgers with fries usually at the pub opposite the library. All this helped by Joseph being there, it was nothing he said or did but the meals out and keeping me company I loved.

Joseph could ring a little too much like Aron and at first I told him off because his calls were too much. I didn't mind calls but not every day, I didn't need to talk to Joseph every second of each day - I wanted some normalised behaviour and I didn't want someone to take up all my time again. What I needed was me time and that meant chilling at the computer answering an email from Kerry, or watching something mindless on the telly or going up town myself and buying something along with some food from the burger van or going out for some much needed drinks with Kerry. I, understood that I also needed to embrace being alone rather than fearing it. I booked my own hair appointments and went for different styles and dyes and I'd take long walks just for the fun of it.

Kerry, would also take me out on nature walks as we'd walk through fields. It would start by bypassing a lovely woman in a country house with two black labradors, to by passing this super mansion of a county house along the roads and tied up under a tree or dotted about in the same land was this brown horse grazing. There was a little side fence over the other size which we could climb over and we'd walk through fields for hours.

We both had to walk through a field of goats and that was a little unsettling, whereas Kerry looked around for an exit I stayed put watching them and then she waved me over. Another time I saw an odd looking dark animal with floppy ears that I actually decided to back away from as it looked up from grazing. My only educated guess it was an adolescent young bull but that I still didn't fancy my chances with. We both slowly backed away and walked in from the direction we came in. My only guess was it didn't view us as a threat but as I always tell myself that you never know what else is in the field protecting the other animals and it's Mother or it's Father could be keeping watch behind it but it put me off going back in to that specific field.

I went back to smoking. However now perhaps I smoked a little too much. I knew I did but after Aron and trying to cut down any attempts of doing that went straight out of the window. Mom and Dad were a bit more accepting as long as I kept it in our garage as well as lighters. Mom for some reason wanted to watch me smoke which was unsettling in itself. I'd never smoked in front of her before and being watched made me all the more awkward.

"You're holding it back too much," she said.

Yeah well it was amazing how one cigarette could act as a stress relief for when someone inhaled deeply. It did, come out and my face would be hidden by a whirl of smoke but at least I wasn't hiding it.