Fallen From Grace

How Did I Do This To Myself?

The one person I didn't want to see and could do without in my life I saw Sophie everywhere I turned and each time I saw her, whether it was in the canteen with her back turned in a group of people sitting quietly eating a bag of crisps or seeing her working on self scan I got this overwhelming sense of anger. It wasn't the kind of anger that at first I imagined I'd confront her with because I ran through some scenarios in my head as I worked on the checkouts as I imagined I would go back to Charford and I'd confront her on her doorstep and I'd be wearing the hoodie I had my eye on ordering, perhaps with my hair scraped back into a bun but I was wrong, this anger wasn't confrontational it just fueled me to stay the hell away from her. If I saw her, I'd storm off. I didn't let her know how much she bothered me, but she knew it was over between us. Whereas family and friends were telling me to be pleasant, professional, and polite I remember I took one look at her as we came face to face once and it wasn't like I scowled or threw her daggers but I looked right through her unsmiling while she attempted a strained smile and even that angered me for a while. As I kept my distance, I was rattled enough emotionally to take up smoking again, which I don't know what it is smoking distresses me at certain times. Mostly, I kept myself busy focusing on pressing matters. Paula, my supervisor, had been asking for holiday hours, and I finally had some dates, so I forwarded her them in a message. I didn't get on with this app on my phone after requesting dates well in advance, this once, not to get them and I was so put out about not getting to spend my anniversary with my husband. I just knew she could help me out, so I asked, and she said they shouldn't be a problem and she would sort them out. Feeling grateful, I thanked her and moved on to another matter.

In a matter of days, Paula wasn't in work, and it was common knowledge amongst the shop floor that her mother had died. My heart sank. It dropped, and it physically dropped. I felt compelled and motivated enough to send a grievance card and addressed it to all the family on their loss. I worded it like that because someone had lost a grand parent, a mother, and I hoped it would mean something to all the family, so they were all acknowledged because I felt everyone would appreciate that. I addressed it to all members because I remember being in Mom's house when her Mom passed, and every, single, card was addressed to her, and her loss, it felt like the rest of the family weren't acknowledged.
It may have been during this week, and I saw Paula in work. I didn't expect to see her, I didn't expect her to be in work at all, but all it took was one look at her face, and I burst into tears on my till. I had to remember I was still at work and composed myself. I saw Paula accept a wrapped basket of gifts the store had put together and the biggest bunch of flowers, and she went off somewhere then to the canteen with a member of management.

"Breaktime!"

A young girl stood just to the side of my till. These girls and women appear out of nowhere sometimes, but it was always a welcome surprise. It must have been something in the stars where my break happened at the right moment. I finished off the transaction with the customer signed off, and I went to buy one of the biggest Cadburys milk chocolates for Paula. It wasn't going to make up for the loss it wouldn't even touch the sides but I power walked through the store, bought it and went over to Paula who was talking to a male manager by the window.

"Excuse me, sorry. This is from me to you," I choked out.

I couldn't say anything else. There were no great words or anything I had to say. Those eight words were all I could manage.

"Thank you, Kimberly," she says.

I faintly smiled even though I'm very much in tune with her devastation and grief. If I had stayed a moment more, I'd have cried, and then I left to eat my prepacked sandwiches at the canteen. This was how I worked, strongly motivated by feelings, I acted in the form of a gesture. My Mom, on the other hand, wasn't at all pleased that my holiday dates hadn't been put down into the system because she'd even wrote me a list that extended to May.