Fallen From Grace

Knowledge Is Power

I had been keeping a few secrets close to my chest and they had been going for some time. This was huge to me but to someone else it may seem insignificant but from YouTube podcasts from several YouTube videos the one thing that was suggested was to never ever tell the Narcissist in your life...

"Hey I think you are a Narcissist."

And it was very tempting to do so because after years of my Mother telling me that so and so was my problem I wanted to tell her that I had her figured out. I wanted to lash out in anger and say she was a Narcissist and that's it, then say I felt she needed to get help but I didn't - I did however do one thing.
It was before this when I was studying the enneagram types and the number One personality was called the Perfectionist and to be fair it fitted Mom to a T. I knew it was her personality type through Enneagram books I had bought and how different types may clash with a perfectionist but for us as it was in black and white problems in our relationship were

through time commitments and a lack of emotional attachment to each other.

I bit my lip when I saw this because there wasn't a truer word that was not written. This was all true as it gave me the words to explain myself because I did see Mom as judgmental in her attitudes and feeling I'm being stifled and judged both for my attitudes and for my actions. The book went on to say how type threes The Performers (me)

thrive on praise but how stressed ones are unable to give it out let alone to themselves

and this next part to the paragraph shook me to my core because it said

Threes see Ones' critiques of them as nitpicking and time wasting. Eventually, Threes start avoiding Ones, triggering Ones' abandonment issues—and more anger and criticism. 

I did avoid my Mom! Because of the very things I had been avoiding her for - her anger and criticism! 

When I read my own personality type because it was really advised for me to do this first because I just assumed I was a type One because I heard about the type one suppressing emotions unless they were in the right and felt like that was me. What I really needed to do was take a test and when I did things the right way I realised I was a three I realised especially when it started talking through the eight stages of a three at his or her best to the pathological levels that I had been at every stage because you can fob others off and fudge the truth a bit but this whole section on a three on how it was going through each stage - I looked at it realising it was my life and when it said how I may end up having a problem with food in overly stressed situations of my life, I cried. I faced some hard but truthful facts about myself because if I saw Mom as critical, judgemental and nitpicking enough to avoid her then she would definitely be seeing me as

tending to cut corners in ethical matters, willing to exaggerate or fudge the truth in order to achieve whatever they are after

The whole reason I would fudge details or left details out was because I didn't want to be seen as a failure in her eyes!
Yes I was a person who sinned, I did things wrong and I screwed up and I could never be the perfect daughter. That pedistool she put me on as a child right before I ever did anything wrong was long gone and I never got those beaming eyes as she looked upon me again. It tore me up and messed with my big old soft heart tremendously. The enneagram was right, I was a heart felt type - I was in between the two and four. So I sent Mom a YouTube clip of an overly dramatic version of some guy suffering from perfectionisum and what the crazy thoughts Mom would have in her head and I put at the bottom that this is your problem. That we as a family love you but you need to get help because she was often telling me what my problems were and within five minutes of sending this I had a call off my Dad telling me...