If Heaven Wasn't So Far Away

Argumentative Assholes

A small town in North Carolina. The people all know each other, and don't take kindly to strangers. That, of course, makes our job much more difficult.
They're also totally loyal. One of the citizens claims he was abducted by aliens, and everyone believes him. Publicly, at least.
His name was Eric Cumbey. He claims he was abducted by aliens, but the thing is, aliens don't exist. Obviously.
Demons, vampires, werewolves, ghosts. Those are real. Those are a problem, and we take care of those. But aliens? This kid has got to be crazy. They don't exist. Never have, and never will.
"Dean, can you please turn down your music?" Sam demanded for what felt like the millionth time.
"Yeah, sure." Dean said, then reached over and turned it up. He was reading a damn Playboy magazine.
"Dean." I said. Personally, I don't have a problem with his music. What I have a problem with is them being assholes.
"You know, this would go a heck of a lot faster if you would get your nose out of that damn magazine and help." Sam snapped.
I slowly closed Maximum Ride and slid it onto the table. Best not let him catch me slacking, I suppose. "And it's degrading and demeaning anyways. I can't stand it." I added. "But he was working last night, Sammy."
"Lexie, he never works! He just sits there being an annoying bastard."
"Sam."
"If you don't like it, leave." Dean said with a careless shrug.
"Okay, I will." Sam slammed his book closed and stood up. "Come on, Lexie."
"Don't tell me what to do." I snapped. "But I'm not going anywhere, and neither are you. Both of you quit yelling. The people are already suspicious. Sam, sit down. Dean, turn off your music."
Surprisingly, they did as I ordered.
"What the hell is wrong with you two?"
They both started talking at the same time, insults flying off their tongues faster than I could decipher what was being said. Which pissed me off more.
"Shut up!" I said loudly. "Look, I'm going to talk to some of the people. One of you will come, one of you will stay and do research."
"I'm going." They said simultaneously.
"No, I'm going." Again with the simultaneousness.
"Jerk." "Bitch."
"Rock, Paper, Scissors?"
Really?
"Why do you always get to stay with the hot girl?" Sam huffed childishly. Asshole.
"Because I'm older."
"I swear if you two don't cut it out, I'll finish it myself."
"I'm going with her." Sam said, turning away from his brother and coming to stand by me.
"That's not fair."
"Life's not fair."
"Okay." I interrupted. Gosh. Is it really such a big deal? "We're going to find out who this town's Boo Radley is while you find out whatever you can about these so called aliens. We'll let you know who it is and if you have time, you can find some stuff about him or her. Got it?"
"What's a Boo Radley?"
"If you would pick up an actual book once in a while maybe you'd know."
"Sam." I snapped. "Never mind, Dean. We'll find out who the town shut in is."
"Finally. English." He said. "You could've said that in the first place."
"Sorry. Didn't think you'd understand that either." Sam shrugged.
"Samuel, cut it out." I said as I plucked the smut magazine from Dean's hands. "We'll be back. Don't do anything stupid."
"Me? Do something stupid? Never."
"Understatement." Sam muttered.
"Stop being a fucking asshole." I snapped at him, grabbing his arm and dragging him away. "Call if you find anything." I called to Dean as we went out the door. "What the hell is wrong with you?" I demanded of him as we walked.
"Nothing."
"Whatever."
"Hey, can I ask you a question?"
"Sure, but that doesn't mean I'll answer it."
"Never mind."
"No, tell me."
"Why did you cry and hug Dean at your grandmother's?"
"Well." I said. How am I supposed to explain something that horrible?
"Well what?" He asked. "You can tell me."
"Maybe when you're not at each other's throats all the time." Not that it's Dean's place, not mine. I hope Nanny knows she traumatized me.
"Okay."
"Excuse me, ma'am?" I asked a nice looking old lady on the street.
"Yes?" She asked, giving me a wary look.
"That house up on the hill over there? Who lives there?"
"That's Old Mr. Johnson's place." She said. "Nobody's seen him in longer'n anyone remembers, besides the doctor."
"How do you know he's alive?"
"Shoots at anyone who gets close." She shrugged.
"There were a couple of deaths here in the past few years. Did they have anything to do with him?"
"No. They disappeared and their bodies were found later on."
"Okay, thank you for your time." I said. "Sorry to bother you."
"It's okay, dear."
"She certainly warmed up." Sam muttered.
"It seems so." I said, then got out my phone.
"I'll tell him."
"No," I said. "I will."
"Aliens aren't real, Lex." Dean said.
"We got a last name. Johnson. No one besides the doctor's seen him in generations."
"We could-"
"He shoots at everyone who comes near."
"So? Part of the job description."
"Dean, don't go down there."
"Okay."
" Please, please don't."
"Okay."
"C'mon. Let's go get ice cream or something." Sam said.
"What?"
"Yes."
"Sammy, we're busy."
"Kids are always spreading rumors, anyway. We may learn something. Where better to find a kid on a hot summer day than an ice cream parlor?"
"Sam."
"Yeah, okay."
"You were just complaining about Dean not working."
"We would be working. Please?"
"Okay." I sighed.
"We'll sit behind those kids right there." I said.
Sam nodded. "Go sit. What do you want?"
"Hm.... Chocolate, please." Yuck. Calories.
I sat behind the kids. They were playing Truth or Dare, go figure
"Excuse me?" A voice said.
I looked up. "Yeah?"
"This seat taken?"
"Um, yeah-"
But he was already sitting down across from me. "I'm Eric."
"I suggest you leave."
"But I just got here."
"And you're about to be leaving."
"I'm just sitting."
"Well, you should be just walking away."
"Feisty. I like it."
Where's Sam? "Fuck off."
"Well. You've got quite a mouth, don't you? Is that the mouth you kiss your mamma with?"
The southern drawl is really getting on my nerves. I thought it was bad where I lived, but it's even worse here. "My mamma's dead." I said shortly.
"Oh." He said. "I'm sorry."
That's a real conversation stopper. "Now fuck off."
"Really, I just want to talk."
"Well, I don't. Go away."
Apparently he's gonna talk anyways. But maybe he stumbled on just the right people. "I was abducted by aliens."
Oh goodness. Okay. "I'm Lexie." I told him.
"They're real." He insisted. "I used to think it was crazy too. But it's not. I was abducted."
"I've seen crazy." I said.
Sam came over. "What's going on?"
"Crazy here was just telling me he was abducted by aliens." I gave him an oh-no-here-we-go smile.
Then a round of gunshots. Sam squeezed his ice cream cone until it cracked and then broke, ice cream running down his hand.
"Raincheck." I shoved a paper with my number on it in Eric's hands and shoved some napkins at Sam. I gave Eric a bright smile, then grabbed Sam's clean hand, and we took off as fast as we could to the Johnson place.
More gunshots, and we sped up, Sam cursing under his breath. What has this son of a bitch gotten himself into?
When we got there, there were no corpses or injured people.
I called Dean. "What the fuck did you do?"
"Nothing. I'm sitting here doing research, being the good little boy I was raised to be. By the way, there's nothing on the Johnson's. No record at all, in fact."
So who's trying to pump someone's guts full of lead?
"Okay. Damn. Well, we're on our way back."
"Hey, do me a favor."
"Yeah?"
"Wait on me. Goddamn, I'm sick of being shot."
"You lying bastard." Language, Dean.
"Is he okay?" Sam demanded.
"Shot."
"Shit."
"Yeah."
"Hey." Dean said from behind us.
We turned around and I looked for where he'd been shot. He was holding his left shoulder and gritting his teeth. My poor baby!
"Jerk." Sam said, grabbing his right arm and starting to drag him towards our apartment.
"Bitch." Dean replied.
Sam was pacing back and forth in front of us, chastising Dean as I tried to pull the bullet from his shoulder. I hope Dean didn't see the tears in my eyes or he wouldn't want me doing this. I don't want me doing this, actually. But he asked me to. But the bullet hadn't hit any major blood vessels and wasn't too deep, thank God.
"Ow!" He exclaimed. "Damn." That was the most pain he had showed this whole time.
"You brought it upon yourself. Hold still." I was acting pissed and cold, but really I was on the verge of hysteria. I'd grown well at hiding anxiety and paranoia, though.
Sam was saying something about not being so reckless and stupid, but neither of us were paying attention.
The beer bottle in Dean's hand broke.
"Dean, I swear..." I said, exasperated. Poor thing...
"Ow!" He yelled as I pulled the bullet out. He let out a steady flow of words my mamma always told me not to say.
"If you do something that stupid again, I'll shoot you myself." Sam finished.
And I'll follow up with a shot aimed to kill.
"Shut the fuck up, Sam." Dean said. "God, you're annoying."
"Well you're an idiot." Sam argued.
"You're both assholes." I said.
I think I know what this thing is. I got up and grabbed the computer.
Their arguing was getting louder.
A thump as Dean slammed Sam into the wall. "Listen here, you little shit-"
But I was up and shoving Dean backwards, catching him off guard. He sprawled onto the couch with a bewildered expression. "Don't you see what's going on?" I snapped, too annoyed to relish this moment of victory.
"No." They said simultaneously.
"Aliens aren't real, guys."
"We know that." Dean snapped. His irritability is granted. He had been shot, after all. And I should probably clean up his hand.
"And neither is any of this shit you guys are going on about." I said. "Besides you being reckless, Dean." I added.
"Ha!" Sam said.
I don't know why I didn't see this before. "It's a Trickster."
"A what?" Sam asked.
"Oh..." Dean said slowly, sitting back down, having risen when Sam "ha"d. "What Gabriel had us thinking he was?"
"Ohh..."
The placidness between them was more than welcome and long overdue. I cleared my throat. "You're missing something."
"Right." Dean said. "Who could the Trickster be?"
"Not what I meant."
"What else is there?"
"I know you weren't raised by wolves." I said with exaggerated patience. John wasn't overly paternal but certainly they've seen Full House. Actually, I'm pretty sure the Trickster just brings one's true feelings out. But I won't voice that opinion.
"I'm not gonna kiss him in apology." Dean said.
"Not asking you to. Gross."
"Are all girls into feeling and emotion?"
"You'd know if you ever had more than one-night stands. And I'm not into feeling and emotion. I'd hate to see how you react to other girls." This is mostly just revenge for Liz.
"Well."
"Sorry." I shrugged. It's true. "Now do it."
"We've got a monster to find and you're worried about apologies?"
"Very." I said. "I do have an idea, though."
"Who?"
"Not telling."
"I'm sorry, Sammy."
"Me too, Dean."
"Now who?" Dean demanded.
"And why didn't it affect you?" Sam asked.
"Don't know." I said. "Does it have a reason to hold a grudge against you?"
"Probably. But who do you think it is?" Dean repeated.
"Whoever this Mr. Johnson is."
"Why?"
"He's been around this whole time, watching without being noticed. Boo Radley-ing around. (Far less sweet, I suppose.) Knowing everyone but being an unknown enigma. It may not be him, but it's probable that it is.
"How the hell are we supposed to get to him if anyone who gets near gets shot?" Sam voiced.
"I'm not doing that again." Dean said. Hey, he was using common sense.
"You've read Harry Potter, right?"