If Heaven Wasn't So Far Away

Rules Were Made to be Broken

Bobby came home to the both of them hungover, and me sitting outside with my headphones in, turned all the way up.
Bobby pulled a headphone from my ear. "You're gonna go deaf."
I shrugged.
"What in the hell happened?"
I raked my hand through my hair. "It was a long night."

The next day, Bobby had us all sitting in the living room. "What's wrong with you two? Idjits." When they didn't say anything, he pressured them.
"Dean made a deal with a demon." Sam said.
"Damn it, Dean."
"I'd do it again if I had to." He snapped.
"I'll get some Devil's Shoe String-" began Bobby.
"I've got five years, Bobby."
"And then you get your asses to my place, you hear?"
They nodded.
"Dean, we need to talk." Sam said after Bobby left.
"I'm gonna-" I said.
"We'll go outside." Sam said.
Oh dear.

I have this little journal thing. It's not a journal, really. It's more like a prayer book. I write my prayers in it. Not the "God, please let them be okay" prayers, but the long, in-depth, talking-to-God prayers. I can't seem to get my thoughts together in my head, and I'm very articulate on paper, so it's easier this way.
I was writing in it when Sam came back in. He took it from my hands and closed it. "Get in my bed. Now." He said, expression serious. And pissed. Seriously pissed?
"Where's Dean?" I asked, raising my eyebrows and standing. I should probably make sure he's not lying unconscious somewhere.
"I don't fucking know, damn it." He crushed his lips to mine.
"What happened?" I asked. He had best watch himself.
He half picked me up and I had to restrain myself from lashing out as he carried me to his room. He didn't answer my question, just laid me on his bed, leaning over me, kissing me deeper.
"Sam." I said finally. I was getting all too comfortable, and that in itself was terrifying. I pushed him away. He took the hint and sat up. "What happened?"
He shrugged. "We got into a fight, and he drove off."
"Do you always snog people to cool off?"
"I'm finding any reasoning I can to touch you." He smirked.
"As long as you don't find out the best way."
"That's not fair. You know how to get me to do anything."
"It's not my fault you come out and say it."
"I'll figure you out yet, Lexie Banks. You can't remain an enigma forever."
"We'll see."
"I want to know you, Lexie."
"No you don't. You won't know how to deal with me. I'm an over emotional mess. And not the hot emo emotional, the randomly breaking down in tears for no reason emotional."
"I don't mind."
"I do."
"I can't blame you. You Hunt. You probably volunteered at a hospital just so the people don't die alone."
I didn't say anything.
"You're so selfless." He smiled.
"Not really. I just don't give a shit about myself. It's not like I can get worse." But knowing what I know now, I wouldn't have said that. I didn't know how wrong I was.
"My objective is to help you get better."
"Maybe I don't want to."
"Why?" He asked, like I was crazy.
"It's solid. And it makes it easier to put others before myself."
"I'll be your solid, Lexie."
"I have a solid."
His eyes narrowed. "Who?"
"God." I said. "I just like to feel the presence of something."
"You'll never be alone. I'm here."
"I know." For now.
"Don't cut anymore, okay? Please? For me?"
"Don't pull that card. It's not fair."
"It was worth a shot."
I shoved him with my shoulder, smiling slightly.
"I love you." He said. He's still giving me that weird look.
"And I you. But Sammy, why do you keep looking at me like that?"
"Like what?"
"I dunno. Like that."
"I know you can get better, Lexie."
"How?" I said before I could stop myself.
"Because I saw you happy." He smiled, then kissed me gently.
Clearing my throat, I stood up. "I have to call my sister."
"What?"
"I'll be back." I left the room.
I called Alysa, but she didn't answer. Which was expected, since it's late there. "Hey, Alysa. It's Lexie. I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry for everything and that I love you. I'm sorry we don't have a relationship. I wish we did. Call me back if you want to. If not... That's okay too. Just know that I'm here if you ever need anything. So, yeah... I love you. Bye." I wish we had a relationship like Sam and Dean..
I went back to Sam's room, but didn't go past the doorway.
"Are you coming in?"
I shook my head.
Laughing, he came out.

Dean came back around midnight.
"Jerk." Sam said.
"Bitch." Dean answered.
"Now that that's over, I'm going to bed. Goodnight, guys."
I went to my room, but once I got there, I remembered something I wanted to ask Dean. I emerged from the room, but they were both in their rooms, so I didn't. It's nothing that can't wait.
Tears sprang to my eyes as I curled up under the covers.
Everything's fine. Why am I crying?
Not exactly fine, I guess. Alysa and Donna still hate me. Scarlett Anne is still dead. My parents are still dead. Claire is still torn to pieces. Sam's still unhappy. Alive, nonetheless. Dean's still damned to Hell in five years.
But for the moment, everything's fine.
I wish we were in that stupid car of Dean's. It's much less comfortable, but I wouldn't be alone.
There was a soft knock on my door, then it opened. I pulled myself together and sat up. The door closed again, and against the darkness, a darker silhouette came forward. "You okay?" Sam whispered.
"Yeah, why?" I whispered back.
"I heard you crying."
Damn it. "Pretty sure this goes under the If-I-Want-Comforting-I'll-Let-You-Know category." I said as he sat beside me and slid his arm around me. I suppose I had said I didn't want to be alone.
I didn't mean for someone to actually come. I told God.
"Maybe I need comforting." He said, almost inaudibly.
My heart shattered. "Why don't we go in your room? I'll stay with you until you fall asleep."
"That's childish. We're mature adults. We can sleep in the same bed. Just, you know, sleep. Not sleep sleep."
"Sleep sleep." I laughed slightly. No, it's children that sleep in the same bed and just "sleep, not sleep sleep." I decided not to point that out.
"Shut up." He smiled in the darkness, but his voice was shaky.
"Are you okay?" I asked gently.
"No." He said, "Not at all." At least he's honest.
More heart shattering. I turned and hugged him. "What's wrong, love?"
"Everything besides you."
I kissed his forehead. "It's okay, love. You'll be okay."
"I love you." He said. "Please don't ever leave me."
Again, more heart shattering. I turned on the lamp beside my bed. "Sammy, are you-holy shit. Shit." I winced at my own drop of guard. "Aren't you missing an article of clothing?" How did I miss that?
"Oh. Yeah, sorry. Do you want me to go get one?"
"No, it's fine." At least he had on pants.
"You look uncomfortable." He smiled slightly.
"A bit." I smiled. "But are you okay?"
Honestly, he looked like shit. He was shaky and pale. His eyes were red, his face tear stained. His hands were freezing. He shook his head.
Poor thing... "Come on, sweetie. Let's get under the covers."
He did as he was told.
"I'm sure you don't feel like talking."
I would do anything to get that sad, broken look from his eyes. Even worse, I knew it would be hidden in the morning.
He shook his head.
He was burning up.
I was wearing only a long t-shirt and my dad's jacket. I wouldn't mind, but I've kind of accidentally on purpose left out the fact about the scars on my thighs, so I kind of need my pants. I wasn't expecting company.
I got up and made my way through the darkness. I felt around and found my pants, then put them on. When I turned around, Sam was standing there. He kissed my lips, my jaw, my neck, my collarbone. Then I stopped him. "Bed." I said. He padded barefoot to the bed. "I'll go make you some tea. Try to get some sleep."
So I went to make tea. I heard him come in, and turned around to face him. "Sammy, you need sleep." I said softly.
"I need you." He countered, voice raw.
So I took his hand and led him back to my room.
He put his arm around me, laying his head on my chest. Resting my head on his, I ran my fingers through his hair.
I thought he was asleep, so I shifted to lie down beside him.
He kissed me, putting his arms around me and pulling me to him. I kissed him back, wanting nothing more than for his pain to leave, but knowing there was nothing I could do.
I pulled away eventually, but my lips connected with the corner of his mouth. He deepened the kiss. I pulled away. "Okay, I think you've been comforted enough."
"Maybe I should stay in here. You know, to keep you warm."
"I'm a big girl, Sam."
He sighed dramatically, but got up. Before he walked out, he handed me a knife. "Take it." He said.
"Why?"
"I don't trust myself with it."
I snatched it from his hands. "Okay, you can stay in here for the night, but only tonight."
"I think I found your weak spot."
"Oh?"
"Pain."
Damn it. "Go." I pointed to the door.
Smirking, he laid back down beside me.
"No." I told him. "It's a queen."
Sighing and laughing softly at the same time, he rolled farther away.
I cut off the light. "Goodnight, Sammy."
"Goodnight." He whispered.
About an hour later, I was almost asleep. Sam rolled back over and laid his arm over me. I took his hand in mine and kissed it before snuggling into him.
At first I was hoping he wouldn't get used to this, but now... Now I'm hoping that I don't.