If Heaven Wasn't So Far Away

Dream On

Dean came back a few minutes later. "Hey."
"Didn't you go to get beer, like, two hours ago?" I asked, raising my eyebrows suspiciously.
"Oh. Yeah. Well. I dropped it."
"How many times?" I gave a false innocent smile.
"... A lot."
"Well, there's a mess in the kitchen for you to clean up."
"Is this revenge?"
"Clean, sweetheart."
"How do you do that?" Sam asked incredulously.
"I watched my grandma wheedle shopping money from my grandfather for ten years."
Dean came back in a while later. "What the hell happened?"
"Your brother fucking doused me with holy water."
"She was being weird!" Sam said defensively.
"I kissed him!"
"I would've doused you too." Dean shrugged.
"Whatever. Give me the keys. I... Have to go do something."
He handed over the keys. "Where are you going?"
"Sorry. I didn't realize he didn't know." I said half apologetically as I left.
"What?" He called after me.

I drove around for about an hour before going back. When I returned, they were sitting on the couch drinking. "Lazy." I scoffed jokingly.
Sammy cut off the tv. "Have a seat."
Tossing Dean the keys, I sat.
"Why'd you leave?" Dean asked.
"Because I did."
"Why?" Sam asked.
"You wanna put me at the table and slam your hands on it in frustration when I don't answer?"
"This isn't an interrogation." Sam sighed. "Just answer."
I turned to Dean. I shall plead with his humanity. "Dean, you hate talking about your feelings. Why are you making me?"
"You're more important."
"The hell I am!"
"Yeah, you are." He said calmly. "Talk or it will be an interrogation."
I held his gaze. "I do believe you have an idea."
He got up and walked out.
I guess he does.
I followed him out the door, but he was already driving off. Well, I feel bad now. I presume that means I shouldn't tell Sammy.
"What the hell?" He asked when I went back in.
"Nothing." I sat beside him.
He gave me a weird look. "Usually you-" Beginning to cry, I leaned against him. Pausing mid-sentence, he looked at me, confused. Nonetheless, he put his arm around me. Poor thing; he doesn't know what the hell's going on.
When Dean came in, I had been calmed down for a while. He walked in, picked me up, and carried me outside and into the Impala. He started driving. In the mirror, I watched Sam's silhouette in the doorway shrink into nothingness,
Dean skidding the car to a halt in a Walmart parking lot and got out. I followed his lead, completely confused. He grabbed my hand, half dragging me into the store. For every one stride he took, I had to take two.
Wordlessly, he purchased a shotgun and some bullets, then took me back to the Impala, which, might I add, I despise with a burning passion. "You have an arsenal in the trunk. Why didn't you get one from there?" I asked.
He glanced at me, to the road, then back to me. "I didn't think about that." He muttered finally.
I knew better than to ask what he was doing. He would just tell me to wait and see. I decided my best option was to humor him.
We got back to the motel room, which left me hopelessly confused. I had thought we were gonna go kill some evil sons of bitches or something. Grabbing the gun he'd had me load in the car, he got out and went inside with me scrambling after him.
"What the hell-" Sam began.
"Shut up." Dean commanded, and he closed his mouth immediately.
Dean placed the gun in my hands, then lifted it to his temple. I tried to pull it away, but he held it still, causing me to fear actually shooting him if I moved. I stood stiffly, afraid to move a muscle. Sam started to talk, but Dean held out a warning hand. "Dean, stop." I pleaded. "Please, Dean."
"No. Shoot me." Dean said authoritatively. "There are three bullets. Shoot me, then Sam, then you can do it. Go on; shoot me."
I began sobbing. I was shaking to the point that I was afraid I'd accidentally pull the trigger. "I'm sorry." I cried. "I'm sorry! Just stop! Please, stop!"
"No. This is what you want, so go for it." His grip on my hand relaxed a bit, showing he felt either guilt or compassion.
"Dean!" Sam yelled. "What the fuck?! Stop!"
"Do it, Lexie. Kill me, then Sam. Go on."
"Stop! Please! Stop!" I sobbed. "Dean, please! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!"
He dropped the gun and caught me as I nearly collapsed.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?!" Sam demanded of Dean. "Get the hell away from her, damn it."
I put my arms around Dean and hugged him tightly. It was the nicest thing anyone had ever done for me. It was cruel and unusual and painful, but still.
"What the hell?" Sam demanded, to which Dean replied with a gruff "Shut up, Sammy."
"I love you so much." I whispered into his chest. "Oh my God."
Sam was probably flabbergasted. Poor thing.
"I know." Dean said. In other words, he loves me too.
"I won't-"
"Good. Don't."
"You don't-"
"Yes I do."
"Are you-"
"Yes."
"You agree?"
"Completely."
"But-"
"Changed my mind."
Okay, so he does know what I'm talking about. Okay.
"I'm sorry."
"Me too."
"Well, I'm going to sleep. Dibs on the bed." Sam cut off the light and got in one of the beds.
Dean pried me off him and took me outside. "I'm sorry, Lex. I needed to prove a point."
"You had to buy a gun?"
"Well, no. I didn't think about that at the time, but it did help prove the point."
"It did."
"I'm sorry though. but I'll sure as hell do it again."
"I'm sorry."
"Are you okay?"
"Obviously. I'm here, right?"
"That doesn't mean anything."
"If I was that set on it, I would've done it long ago. I have a list of questions to ask God, you see, and I'm very inquisitive. But I started thinking-" I shut up. Nope. No feelings. Gross.
"Started thinking...?" He prodded.
"That t would be hypocritical to do that. And I've got a job to do. And stuff."
"Oh."
"Yeah."
"You know we would've brought you back, right?"
"I would kill you."
He shrugged.
We started back, but Dean stopped and grinned. "You shot Sam down?"
"I didn't know what else to do! I mean, I can't do that to him."
"Do what to him?"
"He doesn't know why I left, Dean."
"But you didn't do it."
"But I considered it." Therefore I'm a grenade.
"But you're here now."
What about tomorrow? "But I probably shouldn't be."
"Why?"
"I'll hurt y'all."
"No you won't."
"Don't be so sure of yourself."
"Oh, but I am."
"Why?"
"Because we're going to protect you."
My throat tightened, and I swallowed hard.
"You're so tiny." He grinned, saving me from risking speech. "It's adorable."
"Well, you ruined that moment."
"I'm good at that."
"Same, same." I smiled,
I went back in, and Dean actually went to get beer for real this time.
Through the darkness, I saw Sam laying in bed. I went and changed into pajamas in the bathroom, then joined Sam in bed.
"Dean, you get couch." He grumbled.
"Guess again."
Clumsily, he sat up and turned on the light. "What the hell? Oh my God." His eyes widened. "What the hell are you wearing?" He demanded. "Shit, where's Dean?"
"Gosh, Sammy." I shielded my eyes from the light, singing Blinded by the Light in my head. "What the hell is wrong with you?"
"What are you doing?"
"Well, I was trying to sleep." I feigned irritability.
"What the hell are you doing here?" I repeated my previous answer, and he blinked. "Here?" He asked finally.
"You want me to go somewhere else?"
"No. God, no. What are you wearing?"
I looked down at my TFIOS tank top (which I, of course, had my dad's jacket over) and yoga pants. "The same thing I wore last night. Turn off the light and go to sleep. I didn't mean to disturb you." He continued staring at me with wide eyes. "You good?"
"Are you?"
"I'm not the one looking like I've just-" Seen a ghost. I'm gonna shut up.
"Kissing me, willingly getting in a bed with me, wearing... That. What the hell is wrong with you?"
"Do you want me to change?" I asked, half bewildered, half exasperated. I don't see what the big deal is.
"It's.... Immodest."
I looked at him like he was crazy. Hell, maybe he is. But then again, he's hard a hard, confusing day, and who wouldn't be? "What?"
"Well, for you."
"Sam, cut off the light." He didn't move, just started at me, flabbergasted. "Do I have to do everything myself?" I huffed, starting to lean across the bed to turn off the light.
He shut off the light and started kissing me.
"This is exactly why I don't allow this." I said.
"Can I not have this one moment?"
"No. I want to sleep. Rain check?"
"Oh my fucking-"
"Don't finish that sentence."
"Holy shit."
"What?"
"Are you okay?"
"I'm tired."
"But, like, you're... Okay?"
"I'm fine. Shut up and let me sleep, okay?"
"Yeah... Yeah,no may."
"Are you okay?"
"I think I'm dreaming."
"You're awake. Trust me."