If Heaven Wasn't So Far Away

Confidentiality

"Should we talk to the girlfriends? Find out if there's anything else?" I asked.
"What do you mean?" Sam asked.
"Any secrets or anything. Anything they didn't tell the cops."
"Like?"
"I don't know. Just to look for patterns."

"Are you Kathleen May?" I asked as a blonde girl answered the door. She was wearing holy jeans and a tight tank top. Too bad her boyfriend's dead. Lucky for her, though, Dean's not here.
She nodded. "I am. Who are you?"
"Alexis Gaskarth, FBI." I held up my fake ID.
"Gaskarth like All Time Low?"
"Do I look like him?" I asked. I pray to God she's not that stupid.
"I meant any relations." She rolled her eyes like I was the stupid one.
"Unfortunately not." I said.
"Sucks." She agreed. "Can I help you?"
"Yes, I believe so. I'd like to talk to you about your boyfriend's disappearance."
"I already told the cops everything I know." She said, giving me a guarded look. "Why's the FBI involved?"
"Two other men have gone missing in the area."
"So?"
"They were all the same age as your boyfriend, and had the same relationship status. And they all visited the same place right before they disappeared."
"Oh. Come on in." She didn't even realize I hadn't answered her question.
I followed her inside. "Can you recount the day you went to Ghost House?"
"He picked me up at noon. We got there about half an hour later. I told him I didn't want to go. It scared me. He told me it'd be fine, that he would protect me. He never protected me, so why would I believe that? So we went in. I didn't want to piss him off. About halfway through, he started acting weird. He put his arm around me, held my hand, held me gently when I got scared.
"But when we got in the car, he started crying, saying he was sorry, and would understand if I wanted to break up. I didn't break up with him. I was afraid he'd change his mind. Plus, I'm very empathetic, so I couldn't have done it then, anyways.
"But then we went to a movie, which we never did. He dropped me off, kissed me goodbye, and then he didn't call me the next day at the usual time. I didn't call him until around six because I figured he was busy. He didn't answer the phone, so I got my brother to go over there with me, and he was gone. I waited twenty-four hours, and when he didn't show, I called the cops."
"Did you have a healthy relationship?" I asked.
Giving a guarded look, she said, "Of course."
"I think you're lying."
"So maybe he got a little pissed sometimes. But still."
"And when he was pissed...?" I prodded.
"He was pissed."
"Was he abusive?"
"Why?"
"I have to ask."
"You won't tell anyone?"
"This is confidential." Somewhat.
"He hit me every day for a year. The only way he wouldn't was if I had sex with him. I still love him though. So much... But... I'm kinda glad he's not here. You know?" She asked. "Does that make me a suspect...?"
"You know, when we find him, something will have to be done about that." I said.
She nodded.
"And as far as that making you a suspect, yes, it does. You had every reason to want him gone. I don't think you did it, though." I stood. "Maybe you should consider counseling as well."
"Maybe I should, but I won't."
"Yeah, I understand. But it may help."
"Doubtful."
"Don't doubt before you try." I said.
She led the way to the door. "Do you have a boyfriend, Agent Gaskarth?"
"Yeah."
"Have you had others?"
"No. I never wanted one."
"You've had friends?"
"Yes."
"Have you ever had this happen?"
"The disappearance or the abuse?"
"Both."
"Not exactly any disappearances." I said. "Nor the physical abuse. But it'll be all right, okay?"
She nodded.
"Call me if you think of anything else, okay? Even if you think it's crazy or useless." I handed her my card.
She nodded again.
"Go do something with your friends. It'll help."
"Don't have any." She said, standing in the doorway.
"Sister?"
"Hates me."
"You should try to fix that before it's too late. Mother?"
"Passed away."
"Brother?"
"Out of town."
"Cousins?"
"Don't live here."
"Dad?"
"Hospital."
Damn. "How many friends did you loose after your boyfriend?"
"All of them."
"Call one."
"Yeah, I think I will." She smiled.
"Bye. Thank you for your assistance."

I went to the restaurant Dean, Sam and I had agreed to meet at. They weren't there, so I called Alysa.
"Hi." She said.
"Still interested in my story?"
"Yeah."
"My boyfriend's brother went to Hell and came back, much worse than before. My boyfriend died and his brother sold his soul to bring him back, and is therefore damned to Hell again. I didn't want anything to happen without reconciling.
"Why didn't you tell me before?"
"They were with me and don't like thinking about it."
"You're running around with two men?"
"You're wearing shorts that show half your ass and a shirt that covers far less than it should, and you're trying to talk to me about how to live? Practice what you preach." Not trying to pick a fight, but...
"How do you know I haven't changed?"
"It's been six months, Alysa. Dean said you're hot. Change."
"Is he the hot one or the handsome one?"
"... I don't know."
She laughed.
"I've got to go. Bye, love you."
"You too."
I called Claire.
"Hey. Do you still play viola?"
"Yeah." When I can get my hands on one. "Why?"
"I was thinking about starting it."
"Consider your options."
"Would you have chosen differently?"
"Cello. I did viola because my cousins did it. And I didn't know there was such a thing as cello. But you do. Keep an open mind. Why viola?"
"Because it's small and sounds pretty and you play it."
Aww. "Ah."
"Anyways. What's up?"
"I reconciled with my sister."
"Holy shiz."
"Yeah."
"Dang. Scarlett would flip."
"Yeah."
"Hey, I've got a band for you to check out."
"Cool. What band?"
"Asking Alexandria. I recommend Someone Somewhere and The Road."
"I'll look into it." Eventually. "My friend's here, I gotta go."
"Your boooooooyfriend?"
"Shut up."
"I wanna talk to him."
"Claire wants to talk to you." I handed my phone to Sam.
"Who's Claire?" He mouthed. "Hello?" He said into the phone. "Sam... Yes... No. She's against that... Nope. She set rules... Maybe for you... No, she's right here... Yes, I try... I don't know... Yes, it was lovely meeting you too. Here she is."
I took the phone back.
"I approve."
"Well, good."
"Would it kill you to ease up on your no-touching rule?"
"Hey, you're supposed to be bad cop, remember? And yes, yes it would."
She laughed. "Whatever."
"Bye." I smiled, shaking my head.
"Bye."

Sam and I went inside and sat down. "You're harder than Dean." I said.
He choked on his water. "What?"
"To figure out. You're so much harder. You always act the same, except for your silent spells, or when you think no one's looking."
"Oh, right. Yeah." He said casually. "Well, you're hard too, you know. But I'm getting there."
"Oh?"
"Yep."
"How?"
"Your parents are dead and you feel like it's your fault. You're beyond nice to people who won't even look at you because you still care more about them than you do yourself. You're a very, very devout Christian, despite all the evil you've seen. And despite all the crap you're facing, you keep saving people, even though you don't feel like you can save yourself. You'd rather help others than help yourself, but that's because you don't know how to help yourself. You're extremely distrusting of people, but people trust you. You listen to that scary music because it helps you cope. And you're scared that I've discovered this."
"Terrified, actually." I said. "But you don't want to know anything else, trust me."
"Yeah I do." He said. "I want to know everything."
"No."
"Yes I do."
"Good luck with that."
"That's a good first step." He grinned. "What have you found about Dean?"
"Can't tell you that."
"Why?"
"Confidential." I smiled. "But I'll tell you what I've learned about you."
"Well, crap. Go ahead."
"You still blame yourself for the death of your mom and Jess. You're a lot like your dad. You hate that you two fought so much. You want to protect Dean because you think Hell changed him irrevocably. You know he's trying to protect you, but you wish he'd stop because you feel like he's the one that needs protecting. People think Dean's reckless, but you are too. You're pretty emotional-not in a bad way-but you're afraid to show it because you think Dean will think you're weak. You feel like you need to act strong-you really don't, by the way. It's okay to show weakness sometimes. You've looked up to Dean for longer than you can remember, and crave his acceptance and approval, but you're jealous because you think your dad favored him. And your girlfriend really wishes you would talk to her, but you now feel as though you need to be strong for her as well, which tends to piss her off a bit."
"Oh, and you're a feminist." He added. "And have anxiety and depression."
"Way to go, Sherlock." I said. "I call for a subject change."
"You want me to talk to you, but you don't want to talk to me."
"You're the one that matters." I'm on Dean's side about protecting Sam, not that I'll tell him that. I'm also on Sam's side about protecting Dean, which I also won't speak aloud.
"So do you."
"I don't care."
"How about we take turns sharing things?"
"Why?"
"That's the only way I'll get to figure you out."
"You think I'm enigmatic, but really I'm just boring and weird."
"It's becoming." He grinned.
"I wouldn't know what to say."
"You'll find something. Do you want me to start?" I nodded. He paused for a minute, them said, "I wish Dean hadn't brought me back. We were both better off that way."
"He doesn't feel that way."
"I'm practically damning my brother to Hell."
"He did it, not you. All that matters to him is you."
"Your turn."
I don't know what to tell him. I'm extremely un-extraordinary. I could tell him about my two unknown-about suicide attempts. That's the only thing I can think of. But I can't... "I never wanted a boyfriend." I said instead. "Too much work. Thankfully, you're low maintenance." I smiled.
"Why didn't you?" He asked. "What made you change your mind?"
"I didn't want the unnecessary attachments. Plus boyfriend leads to marriage, and look how well that turns out for others." I said. "I didn't change my mind. It just... Happened."
"Do you wish it hadn't?
"Of course not." I don't think. "How long do we have to do this?"
"Every day."
At least I'm done for today.