Commander Kitsune

Thirty-Five

Sasuke's POV

We part ways shortly after. Naruto claimed he needed to get his things before he officially moved back here. He doesn't tell me where he's going, and I never expected him too, so I don't ask.

He's coming back. Moments ago it seemed like a pipe dream. When he confessed his own hurt and acknowledged his own mistakes back there- it didn't seem real. But it was, I realized- and I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

Part of me is stubborn, and wants to hate him. Does he honestly think he can just come back here like nothing happened, and act like he hasn't been gone for the last three years? Then again- I know he doesn't think that. Deep down, I know he's hurting too- that's the whole fucking reason he left.

Part of me wonders if he's telling the truth. If he really is coming back. Words can mean so many things, and they can deceive in so many ways. I feel guilty for not trying to do more, for not trying to actually find him these past years- but I'd rather not think about that. He's coming back, and that's all that matters now. I gave him a second chance- and solidified our new relationship. I can do nothing else but long for him, pray for him, and hope my second chance is not misplaced.

My thoughts are an angry swirl in my head. I so want to know what's going on inside Naruto's head. Maybe it'd make him easier to understand- maybe knowing what he's thinking would prove as some kind of comfort to me, because then he wouldn't keep me guessing all the time. 

I'm not sure how I feel about him coming back. His face back there seemed... relieved. Slightly happy- his eyes had a slight twinkle to it, which was a contrast to it's dull tone. Should I feel happy too? I suppose I am- he's coming back- but at the same time, I can't help but feel a growing ache in my chest. He's coming back- but that doesn't mean that we will ever go back to the way we were. The chances of us happening again are impossible. I suppose I should still be glad he's coming back though- if not as lovers, I had always considered Naruto as my closest friend.

I cannot help but worry, though. As I'm walking back towards the apartment, I'm suddenly aware of my heightened senses, of my heart beating much too fast. I think it's fear. Fear and regret- regret of me letting Naruto back into my life, totally unaware of the consequences sure to come, and of fear- fear of Naruto possibly leaving again. He's tried to leave me twice already- I would be more surprised if he didn't try again.

I'm not sure how I feel. Is it normal to feel happy, lost, confused, regretful, sad, and scared all at the same time? Like things are happening much too fast and you can't control it all at once? It wasn't even too long ago that I was just having dinner with the others- not having to think my thoughts- just enjoying company and laughing. 

I'm suddenly aware of a new emotion added onto my bundle of emotion mess. Anger. But at what? I don't think it's at Naruto..... no, that anger is directed onto myself. Anger for not pressing Naruto for more info. Anger for not searching for him, for not doing something other than long and hope for him to come back- he would've certainly looked for me if I left- at least I think he would. I was so stupid- I told myself that it was for the best to leave him be- he was the one who didn't want anyone looking for him anyway. I told myself it was best to move on. But in truth I think I just felt so angry with myself the amount of anger eventually siphoned off into longing or nothingness- and I was scared to look for him because what if I actually did? And I found him and he didn't want to come back? It would break me, I think- and I'm not sure I was used to breaking. 

Naruto is, my mind sinfully murmurs into the back of my head. Yes, and that's ever the more reason for me to hate myself. He's hurting so much- and yet. And yet he's the strongest of us all, and yet he wouldn't just sit around and wait for me to come home if I left. God, Naruto. Look what you do to me. I feel absolutely pathetic. I can't help but think that the thing that drove you away- was me.