Ang Pagsamo ng mga Tala at ang Paghihimagsik ni Aelle Malaya (Published)

Chapter 25: A Stereotypical Aquarius

Tahimik lang kami sa sasakyan. Ako, nakatingin sa bintana. Siya, nagda-drive. Pero pagdating namin sa tapat ng bahay nila at lalabas na sana ako, bigla siyang napahawak sa braso ko.

"Hey, are you sure you want to do this?"

"Oo," sagot ko kaagad. "I won't swallow my pride and ask you that if I didn't want to."

"That, or you could be feeling lonely and jump into decisions you will regret after."

"So ang ibig mo ba sabihin, I will regret this again? For the third time?"

Nanlaki ang mata ni Harvey, saka nagbuntonghininga. "No, that's not what I mean. For the love of God, Aelle. I would love to do this with you, only if you really want to do this with me."

"You won't know if we stay in the car."

Nagbuntonghininga uli siya. How many sighs has he released? Ewan. Pinatay na niya ang makina at lumabas na kami pareho sa sasakyan. He opened the gate and led me to his room. Umakyat naman kami nang tahimik. I didn't ask kung bakit walang tao. Baka meron, katulad dati na nando'n 'yung kasambahay nila.

Do'n ko na-realize how his house felt lonely . . . just as lonely as mine.

Napatingin ako sa kuwarto niya. Ganito ba 'yon dati? Tingin ko, nag-reposition siya ng mga furniture. I think nag-upgrade din siya ng desktop computer.

Nakita ko siyang napakamot ng ulo. Napangiti ako.

"Ano, di mo na alam kung pa'no?" tinukso ko siya.

"It just feels wrong."

"Alin?" Lumapit ako sa kanya. Di nga makatingin sa 'kin. "To be with me?"

"To do this . . . when I know you might need something else."

Napairap ako. "Like what?" Gusto kong sabihing I need you, pero ayokong i-inflate ang ego niya.

"I don't know. Peace of mind?"

"This will give me peace of mind."

Of course, I lied.

Alam ko namang hindi, and yet here I am.

I always say that I don't believe in astrology, and yet I want to embody the stereotypical Aquarius: rebellious, independent, free-spirited, eccentric. Keyword—want. Dahil deep inside, hindi ako 'yon. Or, I guess, I was "trained" to be the opposite. To think that the only way to success is to be organized. That routines are key. That as long as you follow the formula, you will get where you want to be.

Pero kailangan bang madaliin lahat? Na before you graduate college, figured out na lahat? Hindi ba puwedeng isagot sa "What do you want to be when you grow up?" at "Where do you see yourself five years from now" ay "I want to be stable, content, and free?" Why do the people around me expect that I should have figured out everything? Pa'no kung hindi? Will I be told that I am a failure? Will my parents blame me for the nth time and tell me, "I told you so"?

Iniisip ko lahat ng ito habang papalapit kay Harvey. Without doubt, I pulled him closer. He still smells nice, and he's wearing the same scent he wore since high school.

A tear fell. Fuck.

"Aelle—"

"Stop. Please . . . please," pakiusap ko matapos kong punasan ang pisngi ko. "I want to do this."

"Do you really want to?" 'Tapos hinawi niya ang buhok ko at iniligay ang ilang hibla sa likod ng tenga ko. Napatingin siya sa ibang lugar. "Shit," bulong niya saka niya ibinalik ang tingin niya sa 'kin. "Ang . . . ganda."