After Before and After

Phase 4: Chapter 23

To be Jack Merridew was a complicated thing; one that Jack Merridew himself was sure couldn't be explained to anyone who didn't have the experience of being Jack Merridew. It was an isolating thing, sure, but it was Jack's isolating thing. The Merridew family had plenty of things; material, physical things. They also had their fair share of conceptual things; being wealthy, having people stare as they drove by in their flashy cars, paying for $7 coffees with $100 bills, having rooms in their house that served absolutely no purpose at all, belonging to country clubs, getting bumped to the top of waitlists for reservations simply by mentioning their last name, holding business dinners and high teas in their own backyard, being respected by most and envied by all.

Though, the youngest Merridew didn't resonate with any of that. The type of people he wanted to be envied and respected by weren't people who cared for country clubs, useless rooms, business dinners, or high teas. In fact, Jack was certain that if anyone were to truly know what it was like to be Jack Merridew, they'd realize that there was nothing respectable or envious about him. Unlike his father and sister, the conceptual thing that defined Jack Merridew was being misidentified as one of them. He may have been one of them on paper, but he never would be in practice. That, Evan made sure Jack knew from the moment he was old enough to comprehend it.

But there were occasional moments when Jack didn't revel in being the isolated thing. Most of the time, he did, because deep down he thought the Merridews to be despicable people. They were as fake as they come, showing off their wealth and their success like it wasn't a shiny cover that neatly hid pile upon pile of shame, neglect, abuse, disconnection, misery, and emptiness. His sister walked around with her expensive bags, in her expensive cars, with her freshly dry-cleaned, high-end clothes and pretended like she wasn't afraid to come home every night after spending hours wondering how ugly the fight might be that night, if a trip to the doctor or god forbid the ER were in her near future. She'd smile widely and wave kindly to her snobby friends, blowing air kisses, and relaying made-up status updates about her family such as "everyone is simply wonderful" or "things are quite serene around the house these days." Then she'd get in her fancy car and drive home to discover that father would rather hold up in his home office and crunch numbers than hear about her day, and her little brother would be sporting a new bruise he pretended wasn't there after another fight with their father he pretended he didn't need to start to get an ounce of the attention he so badly craved.

And Jack promised himself he would never be like her or Evan, that he'd never bask in the glory of being wealthy, pretending like having money made you immune to experiencing real problems like broken families, abuse, neglect, poor grades, plane crashes, breakups, and tragedy altogether.

But the night of December 8, 1992 was one of those nights when Jack wasn't reveling in being the isolated thing. It was one of those nights where he just wished that he could feel normal, just for a moment. He wished that he could be loved the way Ralph was loved, accepted the way Paige was accepted, and strong the way Evan was strong. He wished he could belong to something, to someone, and be understood even for just a moment. Right now, he wished that being Jack Merridew wasn't such a complicated thing. He wished he could explain it to someone who didn't have to be Jack Merridew to understand. He wished that he could belong in practice the way he seemed to on paper.

But he never would. And sometimes, like the present time, it really hurt.

Jack stormed off down the hallway of the government hotel he and the rest of the members of the Bainbridge case were assigned to for the unknown duration of the trial. He clutched his sister's stupidly expensive makeup bag in his hand as his face grew hotter with each step he took. He was good at staying composed in front of Ralph when he needed to be. It was an easier thing to do when they weren't in that perfect, lovey relationship place. Jack was good at using big, ugly secrets as a barrier between himself and Ralph. He thought it wiser to keep the barrier up than to let go of the secrets. Not only did Jack keep secrets a weapon to holster in case of attack, but they were a weapon he was very afraid could be used against him if he wasn't careful. The secret was what made it easy for him to push Ralph away in spite of how hard it was to watch the younger boy fall victim to confusion and frustration as Jack held him at bay.