After Before and After

Phase 4: Chapter 94

August 4, 1993. 3:37 PM.

The remainder of Wednesday's court session was an improvement following the first half of the day, the way Jack saw it. Dana Barnes cut Evan Merridew lose from the stand in time for the noon recess, and Jack made a conscious effort to avoid his father at all costs. He was expecting his father's testimony to be hard, but he thought it would be hard for Evan, not him. He considered the fact that Evan was dreading having to defend the child he resented for the duration of his life. He considered that lying on the stand would not only be illegal, but excruciating for the man who believed none of the words he was saying. He even considered the possibility that Evan might punish him for it later on.

But what Jack failed to consider was that Evan might exact his revenge before he even got off the stand. Evan used his position up there, sitting before everyone in the courtroom, including Paige and the Langleys, to maximize Jack's suffering. The physical abuse wasn't enough this time, he had to psychologically scar him too. Jack was angry beyond measure, even more so because he didn't see it coming. He'd always been able to predict his father's every move. He felt in control even when Evan was beating him because Jack had intentionally acted out to earn that reaction. But this time, Evan was pulling his strings. And Jack didn't like it one bit.

And it wasn't even just the act of humiliating Jack, it was the fact that Evan really believed the heinous words he said. "He's never won any of the fights he's been in" Jack replayed in his head. What Evan really meant to say was that it was he who always won, who always defeated Jack, and that Jack had no power to ever change that. And the worst part of it all was that he was right. Their fights always ended with Evan crushing Jack up against a wall or beneath him on the floor, spitting in Jack's face after the boy was forced to stop struggling.

He was six years old the first time, and sixteen the most recent time. "He's never won any of the fights he's been in." It didn't matter how many kids Jack beat up in elementary school or at the academy or even in his current high school. Jack never cared enough to let them matter. But Evan mattered, and the worst part is, Evan knew that he mattered. Jack would never win so long as that remained true.

He spent the entire hour long break eating alone in a corner of the courthouse after refusing Paige's efforts to comfort him and storming off. He replayed his father's bitter words in his head over and over again until he was sick with anger and couldn't stand to eat any more. When they returned to the courtroom just before 1:00 PM, Paige sat on the outside closest to the aisle. It was her turn under Barnes' thumb.

As Jack was expecting, Paige's testimony alleviating some of the anguish Evan's instilled in him. Barnes asked Paige to describe Jack just like she asked all the parents and siblings of the boys. Paige painted a picture of Jack that rattled his deprecating sense of self. She told a tale of a little baby too young to realize that his mother abandoned him, too young to understand why his father was cold towards him, too young to stand up for himself. She described him as unlucky, outlining a handful of reasons he deserved better, explaining to Dana Barnes why she believed that he'd been set up for failure by no fault of his own. Listening to Paige describe him as full of love and ache, missing critical pieces of his heart and soul, and good on the inside made Jack shrink a little. He wanted so badly to see himself the way she did, the way he knew Ralph did too.

But he couldn't. He could only see the world, and himself, through his own damaged eyes.

Paige talked about all the responsibility she took on with Jack when her father didn't want to. She was merely a preteen girl skipping her math homework to bathe her three-year-old brother while Evan drank his sorrows in his office and grieved the loss of their absent mother. Paige's testimony was far more honest than Evan's was. She was blatantly willing to throw Evan under the bus for Jack's benefit. She didn't hesitate before assigning the blame to him for Jack's defiant behavior in early childhood that continued to snowball into bigger and worse things because Evan refused to deal with it.