After Before and After

Phase 4: Chapter 58

Fucking up was something Jack Merridew did quite well, and usually this didn't bother him all that much. After all, he mastered the art intentionally a long time ago as a means to earn his father's attention. But now, after he so recklessly kissed Ralph behind the hotel earlier in the night, he couldn't stop kicking himself for it. What an astronomically stupid thing to do. He was already being selfish, so painfully selfish, and kissing Ralph only further solidified that.

Jack laid in his bed, staring up at the ceiling in the dark. Paige turned out the lights an hour ago at least, and hadn't moved a muslce since. Jack turned and studied the shadowy lump in her bed before glancing out the window on the opposite side of the room. He briefly thought about his father, who went home to Dalton for the weekend to make an appearance at his office. Jack sat up and let his head fall back against the wall. How could he be so stupid? He had no business losing control like he did. He could only hope that Ralph wouldn't think that the kiss meant something it didn't.

Jack crawled out of bed and quietly walked over to the bunk bed, where the large window that the moon shined so brightly through was. He stared out at downtown Savannah below, a city that wasn't home. Although, Dalton never really felt like home either. The academy might have, at least to some degree, Jack considered. The island was closer to it, and at some point, the Langley house. The night was beautiful, he thought as he stood and watched out the window. But that beauty was instantly plagued by a nagging thought in the back of Jack's mind. If he lost the trial, he might never see the moon overlooking a city ever again. If he lost the trial, he might never sleep next to Paige ever again. If he lost the trial, he might never choose his own pyjamas ever again.

If he lost the trial, he could never tell Ralph how sorry he was.

As his mind wandered back to Ralph, Jack once again cursed himself for what happened out by the dumpster earlier that evening. He practically rolled his eyes as he recalled the way Ralph scolded him for smoking, like they were still friends or together or even talking. Jack had only recently taken up smoking. He met up with Roger behind the hotel the night after the trial shifted focus from Captain Benson to Simon, and it was then that Jack discovered Roger had become an avid smoker. The latter insisted Jack try it at least once, that it helped calm his nerves and took the edge off a little. Jack knew his nerves needed calming, and the edge needed to come off equally so. So he reluctantly took the smoke from Roger, who impatiently held it out to him, and then put it to his lips. He inhaled, and then exhaled the smoke out. Jack didn't choke or cough, like many first-timers did. In fact, it felt quite natual to him. He tried it again, and then again. After a few minutes, he felt better.

"See? What'd I tell ya?" Roger knowingly pointed out as he held his hand out for the smoke. Jack handed it back to him and sat down beside him.

"Okay okay" Jack responded, not interested in hashing out the I-told-you-so with Roger in this particular moment. "But doesn't this shit give you lung cancer?"

"Yeah maybe if you do it everyday for the rest of your life" Roger scoffed in an unconcerned manner. "But this trial is about the most stressful thing you're ever gonna go through, so might as well take the edge off now when you need it the most."

"Not if we lose" Jack quietly countered without looking at the other.

"What?" Roger turned to him, confused.

"If we lose, we'll go to jail or a psych institution. And that'll be more stressful than the trial, and it'll probably be permanent" Jack elaborated.

"Well in that case, we'll have nothing to live for anyway. We'll die in prison either way, so it won't matter whether we smoke or not" Roger contended.

"You're really prepared for that? To die in prison?" Jack questioned, his tone suggesting he was far less prepared for that than Roger seemed to be.

"Do I have any choice?" Roger turned to meet his eyes as he suggested. "I have no control over what happens in or after the trial. I'm prepared for whatever the fuck this shit system decides to throw at me, and you should be too."