Only the "Strong" Survive | Paul Lahote |

*chapter twenty-five*

If my thoughts were in a race then the negative ones were winning. It was 10 o'clock at night, and I couldn't sleep or relax at all. My phone has been dead silent, nothing from Paul at all. And that killed me.

Sitting here alone has only lead me down a deep, long road of emptiness. It started with thinking about the battle again, at the thought of losing Paul - with how he acted today, it felt as though I had already lost him in a way. I could've been too honest and too clingy this morning, he's scared enough he didn't need me reminding him of what could happen.
The feeling of emptiness from him not wanting to talk, led me to remember the conversation I had had with Bella. Everyone thinks I'm dead, and no one cares. I truly could've just died that day and it wouldn't have made any difference in the world. Oh that was a dark thought, but it seems very true.
Then there's Ryan, if that's even his real name. I still feel scared of world because of last weeks events with him, and the memories of the first time he attacked me. Emily said it wasn't my fault, but it still felt like it was. I was alone that night, I should've fought harder, should've screamed more, should've ran towards the hotel and into the woods.

I wish I could sleep, I wish Netflix could entertain me. I wish that Paul was here to talk to. This numb feeling, it was a feeling I had grown used to over the years but tonight it was much stronger, it felt like it would never end. I used to be able to force my brain to shut off with endless episodes of Community or Friends. But that didn't work.

It was late, and dark outside, but I needed a break, a mental break. So I gathered my clothes, and a blanket and took myself out to the back yard. I figured it'd be safer, and though it's not well lit, you can't see it from the road so no one would know I was here.
The stars were out and it was beautiful, I could get lost in them. There was a rustling in the bushes and then out walked Paul.

"What are you doing outside this late at night?" He said gruffly.

I tightened the black around myself as he walked closer to me, "I needed the air."

"It's not safe out here Joni. Damn it you know this."

"I've been stuck with only my thoughts for hours Paul. I just wanted to sit outside for a few minutes."

"Do you not see how dumb that is?! There's vampires out here. Fuck Joni."

"So now I'm dumb?" I glared at him and then looked back to the stars.

Paul sighed, he came and sat down next to me, "You know that's not what I meant. You're not dumb."

"I just needed to breathe Paul. Outside, especially at night, is peaceful and calming for me. I know it's not safe but I thought it wouldn't hurt for a few minutes."

He didn't reply, just scooted over to me and put his arm over my shoulders and pulled me into him. This is what I needed to clear my head, at least for a little bit.

"I'm sorry for how I acted earlier." Paul spoke after a moment of silence.

"I'm sorry for upsetting you," I said, turning my head into his chest taking in his scent, woodsy and sweaty and my favorite thing.

"Joni, baby...it was nothing you did. This whole thing has me freaking out too."

"You just called me baby," I said pulling away and looking up at him, "you've only ever done that once. I thought it was a mistake."

Paul chuckled at my innocence and shock, "Do you not want me to...?"

"No, no you can. I like it coming from you."

He kissed my forehead and just held me. I think he needed this too.

"You ready for bed?"

I nodded, standing up and turning to the door. He stood up too but didn't follow me.

"Are you staying?" I asked softly.

With that Paul smirk, that confident, cute, cocky one he said yes. His arms wrapped around my waist as we walked into the house, making me walk sort of penguin like and causing a giggle. But lord did it feel damn good to have his arms around me.

We got to my room and arranged the bedding. He pulled me into his chest and I gently kissed it. I kissed it again and then up to his neck, he let out a deep breath as I did that and held me a little tighter. As I kissed his jaw he moved his finger under chin, tilting my head up to his lips. The kiss was deep, good, passionate. I felt my body begin to tingle in ways I had never felt before, in places I had never felt before. Paul moved his hand to my thigh pulling my leg over his and moving his between my thighs making me moan against his kiss. I wanted him, I wanted him in a way I had never felt before a way I had only thought about from time to time. This felt good it felt right. As my fingers started to trail down his stomach to his waistband he stopped it. He stopped me, and stopped the kiss.

I looked at him sad and confused, wondering why he didn't want to continue. And he looked at me with a sweet smile.

"Why'd you stop? Did I do it wrong?"

He shook his head, "No definitely not."

"Then what is it?"

"There's so much I want to do with you before we go there. I haven't even taken you out on a date."

"But I..I mean it's okay. I'm okay with it."

"I know, and I like that. But there's no pressure, you deserve more and better. You deserve it to be special."

I just nodded, laying back down. He rolled onto his back, and I held onto his arm. His breathing was still a little heavy, as was mine and it was a little obvious that he was still somewhat excited. I traced his jawline with my eyes as he stared at the ceiling, and couldn't help but think about how much I would miss out on if something happened to him. I wanted him to know that I would miss him, that I care about him. That I wanted to be his in someway, shape or form for the rest of our lives.

"Joni?" He said looking down at me now.

"Yeah?"

"I'm really scared about this weekend."

"I know. I wish I could take that away, I wish I could stop this whole thing from happening."

"You know I care about you right?" Paul said softly, looking deep into my eyes.

"Yes."

"No matter what happens...I'm so glad I found you."

"Don't say that. Nothing's going to happen."

"Joni," his voice was now stern, "we don't know that."

"I'm trying to be hopeful here."

"Yeah but I see the fear in your eyes, I know you're scared too. I can hear your heart racing Joni, I've heard it all day. And I just need you to know that I care about you, I appreciate you, I'm lucky to have you. I love the way you laugh, and your smile. The way you smell me when you hug me. You are loved and appreciated. And I need you to know that just in case."

I couldn't respond, nothing I could say would ever sound as sweet as his words did. So I leaned up and kissed him again, gently, slowly. Needing to hold on to the feeling of it because like he said...just in case.

"If we get through this unscaved I'm taking you out okay? To a nice dinner. I want to see you all dressed up."

I smiled at him, and nodded my head. Placing it back on his chest and taking in the moment. Praying to whatever was up there that he made it back to me, that all the boys and Leah made it back.