Only the "Strong" Survive | Paul Lahote |

*fifty-six*

|JONI|

I don't know what happened after they took Paul and our son out of the room. Everything went black, and then my mind picked up again. Images of Paul and I throughout our time together, memories of kisses and arguments - him laughing with the boys, or tickling me, his hands on my cheek as he kissed my forehead. Each memory was almost touchable, almost like I was there in the moment again feeling the kisses and touches for the first time. I was there sitting at the cliff with him when he took me back, Paul had a way of making it a special place. A place where it almost felt like I hadn't tried to end my life. I wished we'd gone there again before this happened, I wish I'd got to see that view just one more time. I should've kissed Paul harder, told him I loved him more. Should've held his hand in the car, let him read books to my belly, scrubbed his back in the shower, cuddled him longer in the mornings. He was a light in the dead of the night, the kind you feel like will never come as you're nearing the end of a long journey. The welcoming kind that gives you security that you finally made it.

I never expected to fall in love with Paul, never expected to meet him in the first place. But for certain those first few weeks were a rough, ragid road that I'd sped through quickly. The way he got so upset when I tried to leave Sue's, I knew now it was because he thought he'd never see me again. And the sad look he used to give me, everytime he saw me - that was because he wanted to take my pain away and he did, god I hope he knows that he did. Paul was always patient with me, no matter how much I pressed his buttons, how much I pissed him off, he gave me nothing but gentleness. Softness. A world I had never known before I fell off that cliff and into his world. But what I've learned, from him and from coming to La Push, is that sometimes it's the things you don't expect that are the greatest joys in life. He for sure was one of those things, one of those great things that I got lucky enough to experience. The ancestors were right to pull us together, he saved me - and I hope I brought as much joy and hope into his life as he's brought into mine. Wolfie was unexpected too, the most unplanned surprise of my life, and one of my greatest blessings. From the moment I found out about him, I knew I was ready - I knew in my heart I'd throw myself on a sword for him. Because that precious angel deserves the world, he deserves cuddles and kisses, a savior from his nightmares, and a hand to hold as he walks through this terrifying world. At least, no matter how this turn out with me, I know he'll always have all those things. Between Paul, Leah, Sam, Emily, Sue and the rest of the pack never once will Wolfie long for anything, need anything, or be alone.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

I felt my eyes begin got flutter, only partially realizing that I was waking up from wherever I had been. The lights in the room were bright, I was squinting as the machine's sound came into my ears with the soft voice of Paul who hadn't realized I was awake yet.

"Hey little guy..." Paul said almost sound happy, "hi, there. Mama's still sleeping, but I'm right here. Look at your little feet. You're perfect Wolfie."

I couldn't help but smile at the sound of him, baby talking to our son.

"Joni?" Paul said gently, I could feel his hand in mine. I let my eyes open again turning my head to see him, and little wolfie with a blue hat on his head, wrapped in a blanket.

"Hi," I squeeked out weakly.

"Don't move." Paul said sternly, I watched as he set Wolfie down and came back over to me. Lifting me by the armpits to sit up, fixing the pillows behind my back for support as I winced at the pain in my stomach.

"I'm so glad you're okay Joni. You scared the fuck out of me." Paul said, his voice very gently as he kissed my forehead.

"I'm sorry baby."