Only the "Strong" Survive | Paul Lahote |

*chapter fourty-three*

I woke up without Paul next to me, still naked and needing to use the restroom. I picked up his shirt off the floor and threw it on, noticing his shorts were gone. Rushing to the bathroom, I finished quickly feeling anxiety that maybe he'd left, that we had had this beautiful moment together of nothing but love and he had just walked out like it didn't matter. I ran down the stairs, almost falling because of the wateriness of my eyes. But there he was sitting at the small kitchen table.

"You okay?" Paul asked looking up from his phone.

I nodded, and wiped my face. I wanted to hug him, but it didn't feel like I should.

"I ordered pizza."

"Thanks...I haven't eaten all day."

"Yeah me neither." He said, silence filling the air after he finished.

It was both frustrating and understandable that we would be so awkward, there was so much to say and to talk about but it wasn't going to be an easy conversation to have. But after what we'd done I was hoping he'd be more open and not so closed off. I shuffled around the kitchen, making myself a cup of coffee and trying to distract myself from the silence. A part of me wanted to read over his shoulder and see who he was texting, but it wasn't my business to know - sex didn't mean we were a couple again and he could talk to whoever he wanted. I sat down across from him, putting my feet up on the chair next to me, feeling the coldness of the one under me on my butt.

"We should talk," Paul said looking up at me and setting his phone to the side. I couldn't read the expression on his eyes, but it wasn't as gentle as it had been hours ago.

"Where do you want to start?" I asked softly.

"Where did you go? Why did you leave me?"

I sighed, trying to find the right words - I'd never been good at explaining to him how I felt, "I went to Seattle. Nancy's sister has a place there she let me stay for a little bit. The why isn't an easy question to answer."

"I deserve to know."

"You do...I just need you to hear me out," his eyes softened, "just hear everything and then you can be upset or angry or whatever you feel."

Paul just nodded.

"You know how hard the last year has been - well my entire life anyway. I thought finally getting the courage to leave my parents house would do me good, and then Ryan happened. I wasn't very honest with you about how much it killed me, I thought if I put on a brave face it would go away. But I had so many nightmares, I was anxious all the time, I felt like my world was spinning out of control. Then there was you, you wanted to save me, to protect me, to love me. Despite the brokenness, despite how many times I started fights for no reason, despite all the baggage that came with me you didn't care. And I wasn't used to that, and I couldn't get past the thought that it was forced on you. That the imprint was the only reason you cared, and I didn't think you deserved to be stuck with me because of that..."

I swallowed, holding back tears and blinking rapidly as I looked at the ceiling trying to get through it all. Scared of his face, of his emotions.

"Then my parents died, my dad literally killed my mom. And you were right if I never left it would've been me too. I just felt lost, like I didn't have control of anything I was saying or doing or who I was with. I mean it was a complete accident that I stumbled into the most kind and loving and welcoming little family I'd ever known. I bottled everything up, for too long and it came out on you time and time again. So I thought leaving might fix it? That you'd be able to turn off whatever switch it was that made you care about me, that if I was gone long enough you'd all forget me and I wouldn't have to be scared of it anymore. I wouldn't have to be scared of love because it just wouldn't exist anymore. But it was too fucking hard to be gone, and I was doing really, really stupid shit that I hate myself for. Leaving didn't fix anything Paul, and I'm so fucking sorry for all the hurt and worry I caused you guys. I'm sorry for blocking you, I'm sorry for not being there when your dad left, I'm sorry for everything. I just didn't think I deserved any of it and I fucked up."