Towering the Flames (SS#2) Under Major Revision

EPILOGUE

"I am so sorry, Cal, hindi ko intensyon na gawin 'yon... I was... I was out of my mind and—"

"You don't love me," I cut her off. Sinubukan niya pang hawakan ang kamay ko pero kaagad ko 'tong iniwasan. I could not believe that Amethyst could do something like that. Nagtiwala ako sa kaniya nang sobra.

She's been accusing me about talking to other girls, when in fact, she's the one who cheated. I don't know what to feel, honestly. Sa pakiramdam ko ay pinaglalaruan lang ako ng mundo. How... How could she break my heart when all I did was to love her right?

She made me question my worth. I wasn't perfect. I was aware of that. Pero gaano na ba karami ang pagkukulang ko para ipagpalit lang? Na... Ginawa ko naman sana ang lahat pero God, bakit hindi naging sapat?

Because of that heartbreak, I started doubting the essence of what they call "love".

I admit, despite of what she did, I still liked her. I still badly liked her. But that doesn't mean I want us to reconnect. Gusto ko siya, pero tama na.

I then believed that every girl is like her. Na pare-pareho lang silang sasabihin kung gaano ka kamahal pero gagawa ng dahilan para ikaw na ang mismong sumuko.

I knew I was speaking from experience and that I should not generalize the women population, but parts of me believed that if there's one thing that was worth doubting, it could be the woman's love.

Amethyst did everything for us to get back together. Sinabi niyang nagbago na siya... O nagbago nga ba talaga?

Ang hirap nang maniwala.

My coping mechanism to that traumatizing experience was horrible. Yes, alam ko kung gaano 'to kasama sa mata ng mundo. But how could I blame myself? How could I punish myself when I just reacted?

Girls after girls came into my life pero wala na akong plano na magseryoso muli. Ang nasa isip ko lamang ay maglaro. Paglaruan sila. Gawin sa iba ang naramdaman ko.

It was intentional, I admit. I had a choice to  choose peace and to just forgive. But I felt like forgiving is not enough.

Apologies I received were not enough.

Everything's not enough.

"Wala ka ba talagang balak na magbago? Lahat na lang ng babae paglalaruan? Kahit seryoso sa 'yo?" Allysa bravely asked me. It's the time when I asked for us to stop communicating. Napagod ako. Na-bore. Nagsawa.

"Why? Seryoso ba talaga?"

Kumunot lang ang noo niya at taas-noo akong sinampal. I could feel rage from her but that doesn't stop me from smirking.

"I don't know what happened para maging ganiyan ka! Still, walang makapag-jujustify ng pagiging babaero mo!"

"Whatever."

Shut up, people. You knew nothing.

"He's a rebel, indeed. Halatang 'di maayos napalaki ng mga magulang niya. Dami sigurong kaaway niyan. Ako na ang naawa sa kaniya."

I heard a voice nearby. I found her judgement interesting. And her back view looked... Interesting too, huh...

"I heard you."

"I said that for you to hear me."

Hindi ko mapigilan na hindi maaliw sa expression niya. Tila ngayon pa lang nagkaroon ng hinanakit sa isang tao. She looked judging my soul, at patagal nang patagal, mas lalo siyang nairirita.

"Put that cigarette down," she warned me. Ang tapang.

I pouted teasingly. "Baka inggit ka lang. Gusto mo rin mag-yosi?"