Memory Fragments: Probity

Alice's Chimera Cosmetics

Alice Morana Eurydice. The "Noble Fear of Justice." She used to go by her real name back when she was a child. She had nothing to hide, even if she wanted to, so why would she hide her tag too? Karan, Faust, Gabriela, Alice is right here with me at this moment but, she does not resemble the woman you knew. Karan, she is not the little girl I just told you about. Faust, she is not the killer monster you have been investigating about through foreign recounts. And Gabriela, she is not the big sister you thought you had. She is a different woman that takes from all your memories of her and combines them into this chimera of personalities. She wears her serpentine horns quite nicely; would you not agree? One of black, shiny polish with white spiraling threads of her tangled hair. The other of white, opaque transparency with black swirling strands of her straight furry scales. Are they not an entrancing view? Perhaps you are disturbed by them, seeing as you all are shifting your eyes towards hers. Those blood-red iris plunging deep into her black and white sclera. Frightening, are they not? But what is fear, but a bizarre infatuation towards the unknown? Look at her face and you all tell me, is she not wearing her fears with the poison of a snake and the pride of a lion? That shifting pigmentation of her skin, almost like she wears the colors of her disorder depending on what she fears at any given moment. A color for each poison, and the saying of the lion is how they paint it, right? Would you not agree with me saying so? Naked, terrified of herself. She has come willingly to this place just to show you what she has become both physically and mentally. She i seeking help. Describe her to me. Rather, describe her as you see her right now and not as you remember her.

Faust, you see a woman in her mid-twenties, right? A strong physique, like Karan's. Someone you use to buy the powders for Gabriela from. Someone who had a business in cosmetics here in this town; that people used to buy all kinds of things, not just plain old make-up and changing their appearances. You saw a young, independent woman who, despite her own looks and personality, brave through her fears of rejection and accepted a future where she could finally belong. But now, what do you see? A monster? A killer who is drunk on the blood she has spilled? Intoxicated and driven mad by her own actions, that she now seeks solace in an outcast's remorse? From self-pity, to wanted guilt? No, Faust. She searches for redemption. A new opportunity, lying within herself, to atone for what she has done. But she fears her inside heart; her inner mind's monologues. Would you not help her? You who is broken too of mind, would you not help her figure out the shards of her memories that cut her from the ones that remain intact? Like looking in a twisted mirror, your reflections of her scare her beyond self-recognition.

Gabriela. In your eyes, do you see a nice, heartwarming animal? A cute lion face with reptile eyes and eyelids that close horizontally. A furry friend whose scales are shown only when she removes her long, tattered coat given to her? Clawed with her nails of black & white, and pants gnawed by her black-fanged grin? She is laughing at her gifts given by you. She does not need to hide who she is anymore so clothing is a restriction on her liberty of expression and confidence in herself. But, do you see how she is still wearing her military black boots? The right one hides her scarred, charred, and plucked-out leg because she does not want you to see her regrets in the form of bloody self-harm. The left one though, she hides her treasured innocence. A rabbit leg, with its soiled paw after chasing her dreams with no avail. Help her, Gabriela. Help her stand on her own two legs and feet and remove those feral instincts from her. She is not violent. She is not an abstract of nature. So now, what do you see in her? A monster too? A freak who searches for recognition and love, regardless of her militaristic, weaponized origins? From body dysphoria, to masochistic morphism? No, Gabriela. She searches for stability. A way to live her life without constantly having to change who she is and what she does. But she fears her outside body; her image that she is forced to present to the world. Would you not help her? You who is struggling with appearances and self-enforcing costumes, would you not help her be whoever she wants to be? Like looking at a coat of new paint over an old one, your scratching of her image scares her beyond self-love.

Now, Karan. Is there really much left to talk about? Beyond her broken mentality and changing appearances, is there anything else you see in her that has not yet been seen? She cannot be justice if she does not recognize herself anymore. She cannot recognize herself if her sense of justice keeps changing. So tell me, Karan. Tell me not what you see in her, but what she embodies. Does she embody justice to you? A sense for fear? A hero who dispels it in the hearts and minds of everyone? To her, what is a hero? To her, what is justice and the sense for fear? She is scared of what she embodies because she knows it is something you will not love, will not recognize, and will have an innocent, curious fear towards. To her, she embodies what you fear. To her, you look at her with helping eyes and extend your hands towards her in a fearful hope of understanding. But to understand the fear of justice, you have to become a stranger to self-righteousness. To her, you look like a forgiveness she never asked for. But you have to forgive her if she wants to erase this fear of hers. She knows what justice awaits her. Forgiveness does not mean cleansing of sin and total absolution from crime. She fears you because you will forgive her even though she knows she cannot be forgiven. She fears her unforgiving self. Help her forgive herself for what she has become and done. Help her search for her lionheart inside, and help her be not afraid of forgiveness herself.

She stands right beside me now, but I do not see her anymore. All I see is a woman who takes from your fears and forgives you for them. She now knows that you are afraid of her, and she accepts it and forgives you for it. Not everyone has the same sense of justice. Not everyone will like or dislike how it is delivered, seen, or thought about. Not everyone knows the monster it is, and how it morphs depending on who is looking at and making use of it. But she stands right beside you, a common fear amongst your ideologies. A weaponized impartiality who cares not anymore about how you see her. For she cannot see herself anymore, and does not judge nor deliver punishment unto herself. She becomes your bastion of justice. Alice. Until today, justice was death. Like a chimerious phoenix, given rise by their ashes. You are reborn as his righteous flame; one who will have to be extinguished at the end of this. Your fear was gone the moment you realized this. The lion finds his heart inside you, the serpent's poison drips as she bites herself in self-sacrifice. Like an ouroboros, the chimera sees not the end, but a new beginning.

Faust, Gabriela, Karan. She will live and die by her own terms from now on. Whether you like it or not, she will live with you, and die with you. Do not corrupt her again. Do not let justice mourn her sense for fear. And do not let her be happy for the death of an unknown self.