Memory Fragments: Probity

As It Begins (IV/X)

You know? I always had a whiff, like a sixth sense on things regarding relationships. Mind you, I'm talking about professional connections, legal (or illegal) links and the like. I know nothing about love, mutual attraction, deep and everlasting happiness with someone else and all that. But I know one thing close to that. I know about what makes a bond truly significant and irreplaceable. Even when that person may not be there anymore, the bond you had with them stays in you forever. Like a memory uploaded, it can never be fully erased; no matter the heart or hard drive. It may dwindle past transparency here and there, getting thinner and thinner as time goes on, but it is there regardless. You might see someone else through that transparency and think they look, feel or are just like the person you remember, but that is just the veil of memories playing tricks on your mind and heart.

I always isolated myself from those tricks. There were so many veils between my vision and the world around me that, the more I tried to peer through, the more they started to look like a thick cape, covering my feelings and hiding them from false temptations and illusionary people. I was feeling the warmth of isolation's cover instead of the embrace of bonds.

Meanwhile, while you were erasing all love and affection in the world through hard, cold-as-steel, well, machinery, I was instigating a revolution inside those metal frameworks. What good is a robot if it cannot feel the same as a living person? What good does a machine do to the heart if they cannot communicate their feelings to one another? Granted, machines don't necessarily need to feel, but they can certainly perceive and understand. Try as much as you like, Edward. But you will never compare and assimilate the feeling of the living heart if you never allow yourself to be touched by it.

...That reminds me though. Of a time I was close to you; a time of war and blood-red skies under the crying moon. We shared a connection so close with each other, that I thought I was a son to you. Partially true, seeing as you made me your son whenever I wanted or not. But there was never a father's love in you for me. Just the gaze and admiration of someone raising a tool and soon-to-be successor. It felt like I was being groomed for a position, a vessel for the next generation; instead of being a kid watching and learning from his father's teachings and tough love. I thank you for that, by the way. Without me learning the hard way about all of that, I would have done the same to Gabriela. Just a vessel for my mind to pass on its knowledge and ulterior goals. But no. She actually helped me and I was the one to serve as a vessel for her emotions, feelings and care. A child raised as yours does change you, even unknowingly.

Besides her, I also remembered about the time we three were the pillars of the world. You, Mery, and me. Remember her? You fucking psychopathic, depraved, and instigator of mental breakdowns. Thank you for breaking her so much. When I saw the pieces of her mind and body lying about, scattered throughout her own little cage, I understood. I came to understand what true indifference towards another was like. She was no mere tool you could use for your agenda. She was never your foster daughter to be raised as a weapon either. She was just a broken down, disgusting proof of the limits of living. A test to see just how far you can stretch the living mind and heart until they regress back to ground zero out of self-preservation and fear. A state of total emptiness ready to be filled with new code.

After I learned that. I also acknowledged what empathy was. One good punch, kick and bite for every time I helped you with her. One deserving beating and tongue-lashing from her I received, back when I helped her escape, for each time I watched her regain her humanity and did nothing to nurse her back to it. I was merely trying to stay out of her life, so as not interfere with her natural course of recollection and healing, but it seems all I needed to do back then was to be by her side. Silently giving my comfort, love, care and help as one would do for their sister. Nowadays though, I feel distant to her. Perhaps my goal was completed. She has her life and I do mine, but we hardly contact each other anymore. Maybe there is a limit on how close you can get with someone before starting to feel like a bother to them. Still, we share a bond of siblings not many can be proud of.

Oh yeah, speaking of siblings: Karan and Alice too, right? Those two were very, very special to you. Like the tale of the lion and the snake, where one falls in love with the other but can never be together. The king of all jungles watches his fauna and flora be poisoned by the drooling of the snake over him, but does nothing to dry it up and instead builds a pond of it to swim in the liquids of a toxic relationship. What has the king lost to the affection. What once was a deathly rivalry about a killer's spree, it was now a genocide for mutual gain. Love does make you do things. It was a good thing we came into their picture, right? What marvels you did to keep the poisons from leaking out and contain so many deaths and species inside of her. Sadly, Gabriela did the same for Karan. Although, she sipped the poisons out of him and replaced the liquids with her own concoctions. Very tasty, mind you. Especially the protein and banana one.

What fun they had persecuting each other out of a sense of justice, remembrance, nostalgic times of true friendship and mutual protection from the streets and bullies. What a tragic end for her. Karan is a strong man. Stronger than I will ever be for Mary. Mery? It...yeah. A bond was formed stronger with them than it was for us.

Matthew? Now that one is... excuse me, Edward. But what did Matthew do? What did... gods this headache. Anyway. Long story short: You failed to recognize the true meaning of what relationships are supposed to be. I learned through trial and error with my companions and the people of Fanear, you hid from all that and instead built your own version of all that hoping to give it a new meaning. One that you would understand since it was the only thing you knew.

As it begins, the beginning of bonds. One surmises that union is the key to viewership into the essence of the heart and mind. As they grow closer to one another, their veils get thinner and thinner, yet they are not obstructed by the other one's.