Memory Fragments: Probity

Speculum Cordium

"Doctor Matthaeus? Are you alright? We have been trying to contact you for a while now"
"Both the Sciens Mens and the Conscientia Vocatum have been put on hold in your leave"
"Aonghas, Nefertari, Mariah, Zikra and Rhea have been handling all, thanks to my know-how"
"But, doctor. With all due respect, what did you see in the mirror? For whom did you grieve?"

[...] It was but a moment of respite. A time, borrowed and accepted; for what it was and is to be
You called to me, time and again. Yet, all I ever heard was disruptions erroneous versions of me
I grieved not one, but all of me. All death, remembered and accepted. All I ever wanted to see
I have come to know the truth of this mystery. And all comes down to this mirror of the sea

"Mirror of the sea? Doctor Matthaeus, what truly happened to you? Are you sound and alright?"
[...] I am. And, in regards to what happened, it is nothing to worry about. I only saw a reflection
Something I was meant to see for what it was, and not the things I hoped to see this night
Tonight is the night, right? The full moon will shine not the reflected light, but its own creation

A confession of what it is. The truth behind our eldritch conundrum and endless researching
"Is the moon the key, then? Or is it the sea itself? Formally, you said to us to research both"
[...] I know what I said before. The laid-out questions I drove myself mad with in my searching
But we question no more. To understand mind and heart, we go not beyond what they quoth

"Beyond? The experiments were designed to do just that. Are we to stop them? All of them?"
[...] We must not. Rather, we are to convert them into healing processes instead of enhancing
It is imperative that we help these people by understanding where they are coming from
Not by short-cutting their recuperation, but by helping them in their own pace advancing

What I saw in the mirror. It was no one but me, yet I am nothing more than a mere human
And the answer lies there. We are humans. What is beyond our kin? Limitless nothingness
This was not a revelation, but a realization. The sole truth behind our work's acumen
These minds may be forever lost, yet their hearts beat true to their image and soundness

"Doctor, if what you are saying is true, then we cannot go back to how things where"
I know. And that is exactly what we need. Doing the same thing, expecting a different appulse
"Madness unaltered. Yet, if we do different things, we very well may obtain the same flair"
[...] Is that not the same with music? All different, yet all lead to the same healing pulse

Just as you devoted yourself to heal through music; sounds of the heart to heal the mind
I, too, have been heard and healed. Your voice, heavenly and sweet, it whispers on the wind
What ripples were caused on the mirror; I saw distortion. You, mimicked and defined
Aonghas, Zikra, Rhea, Mariah and Nefertari, every time I saw them, I felt chagrined

"So you did see something in the mirror besides yourself? You saw our daughters?"
[...] I did not. Like I said: I saw nothing but reflection. I saw what my eyes revealed to me
A mimicry of my heart. Its beats, reflecting off of a mirror that rippled the calm waters
And that was when I realized, after hearing its cries: My heart was the key

The key to a long-forgotten truth. The reality of what I am, and what I am not
What we all are, and what we are not. Nothing more than what we see in ourselves
If we cannot see, are we blind? Or are we reflecting unto others what glimpse we caught?
That was what I saw. Not them, but what was left inside of my heart of their former selves

I miss them dearly, Cherith. And for that, we cannot stop this, but change it we can indeed
For them, and all these people we care for. For us, too, do we do this things called crazy
For the love we have for them. For us. Love for all of this craziness makes our hearts bleed
Would you not agree? That love is the catalyst for madness? That which makes all hazy?

"So you remember me? Matthaeus, have you finally remembered me? Your wife?"
"Not only that, but our daughters' deaths? What were we, if not your loving family?"
[...] Yes, I have. And not only that, but also how and when where they out of life
In January, April, May, June, and September. Aonghas, Nefertari, Mariah, Zikra, and Rhea, respectively

The mirror showed me what heart it was reflecting. What was I, but a mirror myself
An infinite reality, never-ending and getting smaller. I felt the water's pressure
Crushing me. The moon's light bouncing endlessly between me, and my other self
So I had to break it. Break my own heart so it would stop its own refresher

I cried and cried. For all of you, yet more for myself. I cried, for my dream was over
"And what was that dream? What did you see inside your own mind and heart?"
[...] I saw all of us, alive and together. I saw regret. My pain and lovesickness all-over
I saw the mirror mimicking it, so I broke the silence within, and cried my fair part

"True love is not silent. Only the mimicry of it proves the nothingness within"
"That is why I became a researcher of the healing properties of the sounds of aria"
"Matthaeus. If you truly heard my calling, how did I sound like? My voice therein?"
"Was it a fading whisper? Or did I reach you by singing my heart out in Orataria?"

Orataria? Did you mean to say oratorio? "No. It was a word I came up with"
"My solemn aria, enhanced by the musical of my Anima Oratorium. Orataria"
[...] A composition made for one's own voice. To find the sound of mind herewith
"If it was regret what you had, I thought my singing would prevent a heart's dysphoria"

[...] You wrote it yourself, if I am not wrong. This piece of paper. A letter of notes
"Yes, I did. I wanted it so bad, that I could not help myself but to write it down"
"It has my pains and sorrows. Yet it also has my loves and joys. And some quotes"
"'It is I, the one whose drown. For my love for him, I will sink in any noun'" 

[...] A letter I was never meant to read, yet hear. Whomever, I choose its voice
That is why you keep asking me questions. That is why. Mahendi, that is why
Urd Mahendi. That is your true self. I am your patient, bereft of my own choice
I remember everything now. I am Matthew. You put me here when my mind went awry

"Welcome back, Mr. Matthew. It is good to have you back to your true self"
"It was a most difficult task to set you free from your mental prison, but you did it"
"All that talk about mirrors, the sea, and hearts; I was even starting to question myself"
"It is time. For you to go back into the world. For your daughters and wife's memorial twilit"