"I know I am married, but I don't know who I married."
Trinity Giuliani, an agnostic woman who doesn't know love, woke up with three husbands yet unknown to her existence. Doubts devoured her as she questioned who her husband really is. A doctor who...
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Hullian's time has come—his midnight hour. I was waiting for him to knock at my door but all I received was the silence of the night. Tumayo ako at naglakad papunta sa pintuan para sumilip sa labas. I was staring at the calm sea behind the glass door. The moon radiates its bright light inside the room, then leaving trace of my silhoutte in the walls.
Bakit kaya wala pa siya, sampung minuto na ang nakalilipas. Patuloy lang ang pagsilay ko sa labas ng may mapansin akong nakatayo sa 'di kalayuan. Is that Hullian?
Hindi ako nagdalawang-isip na puntahan siya, medyo tumakas rin ang pangamba sa aking dibdib kaya kailangan ko itong habulin para mapanatag ang aking kalooban.
Nang makalabas ako ay nakita ko siya nakaluhod na ito at nakayuko ang uluhan at parang humihikbi.
"H-hullian?" nauutal kong bigkas sa pangalan niya. Bigla itong natigilan at dahan-dahang tumayo na nakaiwas ang tingin sa akin.
"You're here," mahinahong wika niya sabay tingin sa akin. There, I saw his teary eye, I confirm he cried.
"What happened? Are you okay? Did you cry?" sunod-sunod na tanong ko.
"Don't worry about me, I just felt an ounce of grief," he explained, "You know sometimes grief can be so excruciating that only tears can reveal our fragile selves," he added. Hullian is right. I envy him for being strong to show his weakness. I wish I was as brave as him.
"I wish I could cry like you," I told him. Naging seryoso ang mukha nito at titig na titig sa aking mga mata.
"You can cry it all out. Why are you suppressing it? "
"I don't know, I felt like my emotions had been trampled. . . my body has given up every ounce of it to the point that there's no tears left to cry. I may barely remember who I am, but I remember memories, but those are memories of me suffering." Every word I said felt like a knife stabbed into my heart. I continued, "The hurt stuck in my chest and deprived me of breathing. So. . . how can I even compromise what love can offer if there's a cold void in mine? Am I too selfish for not having any sense of it?"
"You're not selfish, maybe you're just exhausted by the idea of it. It wasn't love you fear. . . it was the fear of loss and the grief that comes after it. You need to take up space of acceptance in your heart, so you'll remember that you have a sense of it. Look at us, if you don't have it, why are we here fighting over it? Love is what you shared to my existence, it was a peak of my being, therefore, the love you shared is the love we offer," he said. Umupo ako sa buhangin at napaupo na rin si Hullian.
"Do you think it's unfair? People received love but some cannot give it back?"
"Reciprocity should be a genuine act. You cannot force people to love someone just because they give them love. But think of it on a brighter side, to love someone without expecting in return is fulfilling." Napatango na lamang ako sa sinabi niya at nagmuni-muni. "I ask you don't you see the existence and profound meaning of love in the idea of God?"
Napangiti ako ng bahagya.
"I doubt his existence either."
"May I ask why?" he query.
"The time I needed him, he abandoned me. I remember suffering countless of time, but he's not there."
"It's fine, you are allowed to be mad. But believe it or not, he didn't abandon you; he has eyes on you."
"How sure are you? When all I knew I was left alone," mangiyak-ngiyak na sabi ko sa kaniya.
"Take a look at the sea. It has fish and creature living in it. The sky has a star on it. In the darkness of sky he gave light—stars. In the vast ocean he gave life. He gave everyone a companion." Hullian suddenly held my hand and at that moment I deeply felt the embrace of what he was talking—a companion.
"You may not feel its presence at times, but he's with you."
"Ibabalik ko sa iyo ang tanong. How do you see the existence and profound meaning of love in the idea of God?" Hullian gave me his precious smile.
"As for me, love is willingness to be sinful and I confessed, I find my way to walk with sin to be with you. Each time I am reminded that I'm losing you, I cried. The idea of losing you is the testament of all my tears. For that I knew, when I am in love my cries become a prayer. And despite disappointing Him countless of times, and hurting His hands, He never loosen His grip on me. He always granted my prayers to be with you. If that isn't love, I'm afraid, I don't know what love is." Habang sinasabi iyon ni Hullian, hindi ko namalayan na napaluha na pala ako. His love and devotion to me and God; revive something that died in me.
Hullian caress my face and wipe my tears.
"I'm sorry I cannot give you memorable dates as what the two did, for you to remember. The only thing I want you to do with me is you lay in my arms, rest and clear your mind and if you may allow, I want you to know him this midnight hour. This is God's midnight."
"Sandali, nagtataka lang ako kung bakit midnight hour lang ang gusto mong oras para makasama ako?" tanong ko rito.
"It's because this is the most solemn hour. Midnight signifies the conclusion of a person's chance to make amends with God and the start of their eternity, either in His presence or not." I look at Hullian deeply and sI rested my eyes at that moment.
"Hullian, you're always concerned about my health, my well-being. Why?"
"Because it was important to me. If I can't take care of you. You might get sick or worse. I don't want that to happen. I don't want you. . . my future to die in my hands. I don't want our love to die."
"Future? What do you mean?"
"I'm waiting for you in the future. Our love is waiting in the future. I'm waiting for you to come back to me."
I blink my eyes out of that sudden dream. I vision Hullian staring at me while I am laying in his arms.
"I dream of you," sambit ko sa kaniya kaya napangiti ito.
"Really? What did you see?"
"It's a conversation of us in here. . .the same place." Napalinga-linga ako sa paligid at sa aming kasuotan. Everything's the same. "You said you're waiting for me in the f-future," I told him with extreme confusion visible in my face. Hullian responds with a wild smile and looks up to the sky.
"Maybe I am. . ." Mariin niya akong tinignan sa mga mata. "But the good thing is that future is happening right now," he said.
I studied him and I wonder who he really was. He's totally mysterious that I couldn't even recognize signs of him as my husband.
I refuse to call your name, but oh God, I want to remember this man. I want to remember. Please, let me know you.
