Broken Wings

Chapter 33

The comment makes Gale leave his broken nose and sends a bloody fist flying at Peeta. I take in a breath as it makes contact with Peeta, he manages to deflect it a little, but it still lands just under his eye. Much to Gale's dismay the only reason Peeta didn't totally dodge the throw was because he landed another slugger into Gale's gut sending them both back in pain. Before they came back at each other I jumped in front shouting "stop!" It takes them a second to register that I'm there and I begin to worry that I'm gonna be hit on both sides. But they do see me and they stop, panting with both pain and anger they glare right past me at each other. Suddenly I feel very small as both sets of eyes make it to me, but I stand my ground. With eyes ablaze Gale begins to shout. "You know her death is as much fault mine as it is yours. I may have taken part in the design but she was your sister. I didn't even drop the damn things." He points at me with an accusatory finger, and I feel Peeta cool to strike behind me, but I put my hand out to notion him to hold and say with a shaky voice as I'm stuck between sobbing and shouting. "You may have not..." I clear my throat, "you may have not ordered their attack or even intended Prim to be there." I have to stop a little as it is the first time I've said her name aloud in a long time. "But, you knew the threat such weapons pose and you signed of on it anyway. Can you even say that you are sorry for that?" I ask him as my legs shake so much from the pain of my sister, and the cold of my wet clothes, I fear I might fall. Gale just blows air out his nose and looks away. "That's what I thought."

In an instant I'm yanked by Gale in his last ditch effort to make me go with him, but as if expecting it Peeta has wrapped a protective arm around my waist. With a punch of rage and protection Gale is knocked out just as the instructor taught us before our first games, something Gale surely knew from army training but did not expect. I'm then thrown over Peeta's shoulder and carried into his house before being deposited on his couch. He leaves without any other word, only the slam of one of his doors upstairs.

To say that I'm confused is an understatement as I try slow the bussing questions around my head. Where did Peeta come from? Is what Gale said about prim true? Am I the murderer of my own sister? Why is Peeta back so soon? Will he just leave again to start a new life with the nurse? On and on the thoughts race as my teeth chatter from cold and my tears stream down my face in silence. I don't know how much time has passed, but since going back to my place risks being whisked away by Gale, I am forced to bungler down here until the next train leaves on Sunday. The trains don't work on the Saturday as it is against the 7th day off policy being adopted back into our government system from the old days way back when. So, I slowly moved with robotic motion to the guest bedroom ensuite and strip myself of wet clothes before warming under a hot shower. The shower has always helped clear my head, and when I'm out my shaking, for both cold and pain, have subsided. I am felt with the sorrow, ache and numbness of my life since every other emotion seems out of reach. When I'm wrapped in a towel I walk into the room and find the black bag on my bed, it must have been put there while I was in the shower. Dressing myself in a thicker shirt, a scarf and some long pants I end up sitting on the edge of the bed, watching the click tick and tock around the ten o'clock hour. When 10 turns to 11 and that turns into 11:30 my I feel nauseous, by twelve I'm forced to get up and throw up. After a good while of dry heaving since the only thing inside by stomach is acid and that can up a while ago, I find a clean toothbrush in the cupboard and brush my teeth. Next to the pack of clean toothbrushes is a box of razors and I find myself wanting to test how sharp they are on my skin, even going so far as to rub my thumb lightly over the blade. I wonder what this would feel like. The clean blade Dan ring across my skin? Maybe it would help distract me from my overwhelming emotions caused by the shock of today.

A loud bang downstairs brings me to my senses, and I feel ashamed of myself. I promised myself I would live well for the ones that can't, but cutting myself won't do that. Prim would a so disappointed in me. Throwing the razor across the room I tremble as I find a phone. Avoiding the rooms, I suspect Peeta may be in I make my way down to the entrance hall where I know Peeta keeps his phone. I don't know why, but I don't want him seeing me like this. Not when I was so close to losing it, or running away, or losing sleep... maybe he would be better off with the nurse after all.

Using the long cord, I move into the formal dining room and close the door. I take a deep breath and dial dr. Aurelias' number. "Dr. Aurelias' office, how can I help you?"

"Hey, can you say that Katniss Everdeen is calling?" I surprise myself to find that I'm crying again. After the secretary fumbles an apology, I don't listen to im put on hold while I wait for the doctor. I take to biting my nails out of a nervous habit I don't care to break and wonder if I'm doing the right thing by calling the doctor instead of just facing my fears and going back to my house. My thoughts are once again interrupted when I hear Dr Aurelius' voice, "Katniss is everything alright?"

"No." I sob.

"Alright, that's okay. Start from the begging what's wrong?" he says in a soothing voice. I take a shaky breath and let out everything. I begin with what Haymitch said about running from problems I don't know about and end with the thoughts about the razors. The admission causes me to sob harder, while the doctor tells me it okay, let myself cry. When I have finally calmed down to the point of hiccups, I ask the only question that comes to mind. "was it all my fau..." I hiccup "fault?" I such in a beep, shaky breath. "am I really that bad of a person to... to kill my own sister, to hurt Peeta beyond repair. To... to." But im cut off by another, rack of sobs. "Katniss, I need you to listen carefully. Are you listening?" I nod and let out a breath, "Yes."

"you are not to blame for any of this. Peeta is on the mend because of you. We live in a free world because of you. So don't you listen to a word Gale has said, he is just angry with the way things had turned out and he is taking it out on you."

"As for Haymitch, I suppose he does know you better than most. But that doesn't mean you have to feel lesser about yourself because he has always had your best at heart." I hear him mumble something like 'if he has one.' And I laugh a little. He must have meant me to hear it because he lets out a breathy laugh and continues. "my advice would be to flow the motions, find something to clean, and please, please talk to Peeta about what you are thinking. He deserves to know. And frankly, bottling these things up isn't doing you any favours either." The silence that follows is spent letting his words sink in and him waiting for me to do so.

"Can I ask you something?" he eventually says.

"Okay?" I say but I comes out more like a question. He lets this slide.

"Do you really think that Peeta would take a punch to the eye that he could have easily avoided if he didn't... care for you?" what weird question, of course he would. Peeta would help anyone in trouble.

"Peeta cares about everyone." I say and Dr Aurelias just sighs. "Katniss," I wait "I mean the kind of care that would make a person hurt deeply to find that one person in pain. The kind of care that makes them do strange things just to make that one person happy." I hadn't thought about that, but the doctor is asking a reasonable question. Why would Peeta even be here early instead of sharing kisses with the nurse until the train doors close. Why would Peeta be enraged when Gale was touching me when he has clearly moved on. But then again Peeta has never denied that he cares for me, he has even straight out told me. just because you care for someone doesn't mean the kind of care Dr Aurelias is referring to. Love. That's the kind of care he wants me to acknowledge. "Well? Would he?"

"Yes. Maybe... I don't know." I sigh in frustration. "if he really did care about me like that I would probably run." I hate it but it's true. I run because I'm scared but I'm not sure of what and how can I fix something I don't know about? "Why? I know I love him. So why run?". The usual excuse about me not deserving him doesn't even work, because I am, whether I like it or not, a selfish person and the joy he brings me over weighs my doubt. So why would I run? "Katniss I can't tell you what you feel."

"I know I know, but please, help me understand." I swallow, "help me understand why I can never be happy.

With a big sigh he says, "Katniss you need to figure this out on your own, but what I can say is this..." I wait. "Our past can strongly influence our emotions for the future, so what In your past makes you feel this way? Do think you can pick it up from there?" I nod even though he can't see me and after a rushed goodbye the line goes dead.