Broken Wings

Chapter 35

I would sleep, I would scream even, but I am cold both inside and out. The sun will set in about half an hour, judging on the sun and I decide that this is a good time as any to start the fire that will have to last the next 24 hours. Slowly, I leave my room with Buttercup sleeping on the bed, and head downstairs to the living room. Beside the newly filled wood supply I find the proper tools to start a fire. Once I have one sufficiently burning, I sit back and watch the flames on the couch and think about what Dr Aurelias told me. Our past can strongly influence our emotions for the future, so what In your past makes you feel this way? I can't think about it, but I have to. It's at times like this I really need the wisdom of my Father or Prim, both of whom have left me to fly solo at this. It's no wonder I fell apart when my sister died. With her gone and my mother in district 4 I was left to wallow in the guilt of the destruction of everyone I ever cared for. With Haymitch drunk most the time and Peeta in the Capital recovering I was left all alone. The feeling of guilt still hangs around every now and then, but I usually have help to break it, that's one of the reasons I love Peeta. He can always mange to make me feel brighter and lighter. I suppose that's why it hurts so much that he may be moving on from me with the nurse called Elise. It hurts because I know I'll lose him, just like I've lost Gale, who was like a brother to me, to his alter ego. Just like I've lost my mother because I am not enough to make her stay, just like... just like when Peeta didn't recognise me as human but rather a mutt made by the Capital. Suddenly I realise that I have known what has been stopping me from accepting Peeta's affection it's the fear that history may repeat itself.

"Talk to Peeta about what you are thinking. He deserves to know. And frankly, bottling these things up isn't doing you any favours either." More of the doctor's word come to me just as Peeta bursts into room through the door. the sight of him makes me loose my nerve to tell him though, because the rage in his figure is fiercer than I have ever seen it. With a slam of the door behind him he come up to me pointing, "You." He practically shouts with ridicule, and I can see that he must have been at Haymitch's. with glowing blue eyes, a purple bruise on his face, and a rage he can usually control tells me he isn't drunk but did have something to drink. "you... you manipulative... uh I can't even deal with you right now." He says and barges past my very stunned self into in the direction of the kitchen. I don't think I have ever seen Peeta like this, he isn't drunk on alcohol but emotion. The drink Haymitch no doubt provided is only helping fuel him. I don't know what has gotten into him, but one thing is for sure its my fault and that instantly puts me on the defensive. This is the wrong response and I know it, but how can I hide? This is his house; he has the right to anywhere and everywhere. My plans for escape are instantly foiled the second he returns into the room, but this time he knows exactly what to say.

"Get out!" he says throwing my black bag in my face. I don't know what I was expecting, harsh words, him confessing his love for Elise maybe. But not this, "What?" I ask stupidly. "I said get out! That what you wanted any way isn't it!?" in a confused daze I lift my bag off the ground before looking at him sceptically and turning around so as to walk out. Obviously, I'm not fast enough for him because he picks me up and practically throws me down at the door. I look at him with a pleading expression, "Please don't do this." His response is only to scowl before reaching forward towards me, not completely sure he isn't having some kind of venom attack I cower away protecting my neck. His scowl turns into a grimace as he yanks my hands away and snaps my purl off neck. "There, now you won't have even that to ruin your memory with the disgusting thoughts about me."

I don't know what, but something snaps within me much like the minute chain of my necklace now laying somewhere on the floor. I slap him as hard as I can making my hand sing right on his bruise, pushing him aside with the black bag as if giving to him I drop it and myself to the floor searching for one of my most precious objects. When I find it I clasp it tight in my fist and turn to scream awful things at Peeta, but the sight of him once again stops me in my tracks. Crouched against the wall, arms around his legs and face in his knees Peeta is crying with hurt, defeat, and exhaustion. "Y-you are so un-unfair on m-me." he sobs and I can do nothing but sit in front of him, my back against the opposite wall, just listening. "I do n-nothing b-but try a-and make y-you happy, t-try to s-stop you're pain. I have been loyal and loving f-for years." He sniffs as he finishes sobbing and deals with his puff eyes. "yet..." his voice is a couple octaves to high before he clears his throat and continues in his normal deeper tone. "Yet, as soon as I show the slightest bit of affection, you want to bolt." I look down at my knees inn shame, because what he says is true. I know he'll hate it but I have I to know.

"But the nurse..."

He sighs and rubs his eyes. "Elise is a nurse yes, she is pretty yes, she is kind yes, but that doesn't instantly mean I will fall in love with her." He looks over at me rather , but once again I break eye contact. "You know how insulting that is? How shallow do you think I am? sometimes I wonder why I bother caring what you think. I mean come on," he say with exasperation. "you think I would still be here beating myself up for you when you don't even notice, let alone care, if I didn't love you every ounce of my being." He is looking the other way so he doesn't see, but my mouth hangs open a little in shock. I guess there isn't denying that he does love me, but this is the first time he has ever said it without putting on a show for the cameras. He let a humourless 'ha' leave his lips and mirrors my thought pattern. "I guess that's the first time I've actually said it without a camera. At least I think so." He says more to himself than me. "Yes." I barley whisper, but its enough for his full attention to go back to me as im curled into a vulnerable ball across from him. He stares so intensely at me in this moment, I swear he isn't blinking.

"Doesn't matter though does it. I'll never be enough for you. Tell me, what's so bad about me? I try my best to be a good person and to be there for you, but its never enough." Now is the point where I start to cry quietly as he continues to shout. "Maybe I should just leave, because there is no way that you will ever ever let me love you. Do you have any idea what it's like to have the one person you'll ever love be so close, yet never be allowed to have them as your own? Because I can tell you it hurts like crazy. Have you ever felt that, huh?" He corners me now asking what is supposed to be a rhetorical question, but I'm dumb enough to answer anyway. "Yes I do, and it's torture."

I don't quite know how to describe it but I think I what Peeta's last nerve as I come to the reality of the situation I have just admitted to. Falter and tell him he's right about me leaving and grabbing the bag hasten to the door. This however, makes his nostrils flare as he yanks me back in front of him and holds me against the wall. After riding my hand of the bag strap he restrains my wrists above my head and he roars inches away from my face. "For once be fair and stop running from me. Face me and finish what we have started. Now, how do you know this pain huh? Tell me!" I try answer but I can't get any words out with the sobbing state I'm in. He seems to recognise this even through his anger. "Who is it huh? Is it me?" I nod.

Shock crosses his face for only a second before his fury has overtaken again. Why? Is it because I'm broken in the head? Is it because I'm not enough like the jerk across the road?" at this point he is so lost with irritation that he doesn't realise he is cutting off circulation to my wrists with his one-handed grip. "What is it huh?" he pokes me on the shoulder with his free hand after every one of his words "What. Is. It?" with the last three I burst and crying out I say "I'm scared!" As if pushed by a strong force Peeta backs off and releases my hands. Rubbing feeling in them I give up and let loose the strings of words bursting within me. "I'm scared, okay? Because of whom you are, and who I am. because I know that everyone, I love is safest at arms-length. Every time I let someone closer, they are here one second and gone the next. I loved my dad and my sister dearly, and neither of them where even dignified with a proper burial." I gasp for air. "Gale was practically a brother to me, but now look at him. He was going kill Buttercup! And it hurts. It hurts so much. My mother saw the doom that she was destined for clearly, because she has left me once again." Im cut off by sobs and a run of sharp breaths. "And then there's you," I say almost bitterly. "I don't know if I have loved anyone quite like I do you, yet you have both died and discovered what kind of monster I am... and... and." Suddenly I'm deflated and slump against the wall. Like I've run out is steam and slide down to my knees "you can't even deny it, considering how you just spent all that breath for telling me that." I turn to look at him and see remorse and something I can't place. I try putting on a reassuring face and say. "Don't feel bad for it, everything you said was true and I promise I won't hurt you like that again." This time I look back at my knees before saying something I have yet to even admit to myself.

"When I got the news that you were rescued and there in thirteen, with me, well I don't think I had been happier in a long time. I was so excited to see you and be held by you and... kissed by you." I admit in a whisper. "I now know it wasn't you, but it hurt. More than your death did I think, because you were right there, I front of me, yet as good as dead." I sigh, and I do as he requested. I finish what I started "I can't lose you again. And I know I will because I mess everything up... I know I will because you don't need me like I need you. If you don't need me, you'll get sick of me, and I'll keep losing you again and again because I mess everything up. That's how I know the pain. That's way it is probably best I leave."