Broken Wings

Chapter 10

Despite the strange incident with Peeta he assured me he was just tired I don't fully buy it but I don't really have a reason to not trust him. We have finally found a rhythm that suits both of us, with balances of his questions and my fears. And cooking lessons. But the questions become less and less and so does the severity of the dreams leaving me capable to handle them myself more often. So, our conversation topics change to things father than our past together, as children. He tells me that his father was a silent man, but when it was just the two of them in the kitchen he would talk about everything. From serious conversations to jokes he learnt as a kid. Or sometimes he tells me about his friends at school and the games they used to play that I could just see from the sidelines. And I tell him about my childhood with my father and mother, without my father (and technically without my mother.) with myself, with Prim and even with Gale. We still have our unknown parts of our past, but we know each other better than ever before.

Slowly my life as a recluse begins to fade. I go into town weekly now for groceries from an old miner named Philip. Philip is a nice enough guy who doesn't treat me like some celebrity like the capital people did or treat me like role model like the districts did. Philip purely treats me like a normal person. He has a wife who is yet to come over to district twelve, she was separated from him in thirteen while a month pregnant. Philip is confident that she will be able to deliver though. Then there is Deli Cartwright, who returned about two weeks ago. She is a funny person. You can't hate her because she is just kindness, but sometimes it becomes over baring always only seeing good in the world. I find that with Deli there is a time limit and when it's up I need one of us to leave because I end up looking for the bad in the world when she leaves. If kept in he time limit Deli can lighten a mood and make my days seem better. She comes to visit Peeta often and since I'm usually with him I see her to.

On the first visit from Delly and Peeta was ecstatic to have is friend back home. A part of his childhood that isn't just left to the risk of memory. As they caught up I sat back and enjoyed the sound of a joyful conversation. Peeta told Deli about how his paintings have helped which makes him not the only one happy. I'm glad that I helped in some way, returning the favour he does me everyday. When the visit is finally over I walked her out since I needed to head home anyway. I was about to say a polite goodbye when Deli started talking. "I'm so happy you two are back together!" She beamed.

"Thank you, I guess." I said hesitantly, not entirely sure what she was getting at. She didn't seem to notice my hesitation though, because she just rambled on and on about how she knew one day we would. On and on she went, I was coming to the theory she meant more than friends when she confirmed it with what she said next. "And you two make the most adorable couple."

"No, Deli you've read to much into this. Peeta and I are just friends, that's all." I tried patching that up quickly giving a whole speech about how Peeta and I just spend so much time together because we are helping each other heal. She looked disappointed and suspicious but accepted what I said. I know Deli doesn't quite like what I said but she has kept any further disappointment hidden. Well, hidden from Peeta. I still see her sigh whenever Peeta and I talk to each other, or get an annoying sparkle of hope in her eyes when Peeta and I touch is some way. What irritates me the most is I find myself doing similar. I'm not sighing every three seconds, but I do think about what it would be like if Peeta still wanted what he wanted before.

To distract myself from the ridiculous, I came up with the idea for a book. One almost like my dad's but instead of plants we out in people that are or where important to us. It starts with a drawing or painting done by Peeta, then I fill in the pages with stories about them and who they were with my best handwriting. We include what photos we have, like my father and mother's wedding photo or Finick and Annie's son. The last one came as a shock to me. Finick mustn't have known about him or he wouldn't of risked his life in the Capital. It took 3 days of crying and Peeta literally carrying me out the house for me to come around again. I know I couldn't have changed anything to stop it but I still feel responsible for his death. We need more photos so, I phone Effie which takes an hour before she will agree to send me more photos and let me off the phone.

I'm not the only one who struggled, Peeta had to leave when we were done his father, I found him and helped him as best I could. When Peeta is sad it shows plainly on his face, depending on the level of grief silent tears fall down his face. But the worst is when he sobs, because Peeta Mellark is strong and when he sobs you know his heart has been ripped in two. That's how I found him after his dads section, sobbing in the corner of his bedroom. I don't know how but when Peeta sobs I have another overdrive moment and I know exactly what to do. I held him and soothed him, putting his head on my shoulder. We fit surprisingly well together considering he is much bigger than I am. Sitting behind him and leaning his upper body back we stayed that until his sobbing slowed. It's a good thing that not all of the sections are that hard, but we always have wet eyes by the end of the day. Right now we are working on Cato since he didn't deserve the death he got either. As I write Peeta is painting, but he stops. I look up to see a sorrowful look on his face.

"Are you okay?" I ask gaining his attention.

"Hmm, oh. Yeah I'm fine, it's just.... There are things I know I couldn't change but I really wish I could of." He sighs "You know what I mean?"

"Yeah." I answer because I really do, every day. I'm just a little surprised that he does. I know we both went through some pretty terrible stuff meaning we needed to do things we didn't want to, but I've just never really thought that he did anything wrong. What did he do that was so bad? He did kill somebody on our side in the Capital, but that wasn't his fault he was. He was trapped inside the head Snow messed up. I don't need to ask him what he thinks he did wrong because after a while he add to his earlier comment.

"I wish I was stronger, that I could have fought against the TJS. That way I wouldn't have tried to strangle those most important to me." He keeps his eyes to the floor as he leaves "I need a break."

I stay motionless in my seat with the pen and paper useless in my lap. In the hospital I overheard the doctors say something like that. TJS stands for 'Tracker Jacker Serum' that is what they used against him, against him because of me. His regret revolves around me. I'm the one who caused his regret, I'm the reason he got hurt and to make matters worse, his regret is that he hurt me. Because let's face it, I'm the only person he has ever strangled. He needs to forget who I was to him. I hope it isn't who I am to him today, because he deserves so much better than that, and even though the idea makes me happy, the feeling quickly turns to guilt. Another reason is because I can really am like fire. Anyone who comes close to me burns, meaning I lose anyone who gets closer that's arms length.

I don't want all these emotions from both parties to rip Peeta from me though, because he is the only reason to keep going. He needs to know I don't blame him for what he did, and I appreciate what he does for me everyday. There is something I have shown very few people, in fact it took me until almost two years ago to even show Gale. Although he was a mistake to show I don't feel Peeta is, and with the hot weather this may just be the excuse needed. I want to share with Peeta my father and my lake, it means a lot to me and I want Peeta to know how thankful I am for him.