Broken Wings

Chapter 22

"Katniss, what a lovely dress do we get to see flames again tonight?" Caesar asks me and when I find Cinna's face in the capital audience he nods. "Of course, Caesar, I wouldn't want to let you down now, would I?" I say innocently and begin to spin. The crowd goes wild as I spin in a circle of glow. But something is wrong because the tingling sensation the fire usually leaves is growing stronger and more painful until the fake flame turn out to be real. Prim appears out of nowhere and tries to put me out but only ends up burning in the process. I scream for her to stop and go away before she gets hurt but she doesn't listen, and others join her in the attempts to end my suffering. I am useless in running away from Finnick, Cinna, Prim and anyone else that tries to help me. Haymitch, my mother, Peeta. All burn up before me and not even the tears in my eye can put out the flames.

I wake up screaming with rage and heart ache at watching everyone that I care for from the slightest the largest amount die, all because of me. I try run out from my bed, but something restrains me, but no sound comes over my own screams of pain and panic. When I realise what holds me, I panic even more because he is only going to get burnt. "NO! let go I'm just going to hurt you!" I sob to Peeta as he manages to pin my arms to my sides and begins to soothe me.

"Ssh, it was just a dream Katniss. You haven't hurt anyone." He coos as he rocks us back and forth, me against his chest in the same position we were in before we left the cabin this morning. After a while I calm, and the only sounds are my hiccups from crying and his heartbeat. Strong and steady, just like him, centring me to the present. "Why are you here?" I whisper, breaking the silence.

"I'm not sure the last thing I remember was you entering the kitchen after Haymitch. I only woke up just now with your screams." Damn Haymitch, I bet he planned this. Putting Peeta in my bed was just a ruse to get me to talk to him or maybe just to ruin my plans of locking Peeta out completely. "I'm sorry I woke you, don't worry I'm leaving now." I begin to wriggle out of bed when I'm stopped. "Oh no you don't, you are staying right here. This is your bed if anyone should leave it's me." I'm pulled down into a laying position up against Peeta's chest as he lays on his side holding me firmly in place, chin on my head and arms around me. after a pause he lifts my chin and looks at me in the moonlight. "Did you try and kiss me?" the question is sheepish and whispered, however it's also serious and wants for an answer. I'm not going to give him one though because the truth is I did but letting him think otherwise will help me to not lead him on with hopes of something I'm desperately trying to stop. Peeta must know this because his next move is so manipulative "Real or not real?"

I promised him that no matter the answer I would always tell him the truth if we played real or not real, but without it I had every right to only disclose what I wanted. By saying this now he is using my promise against me. by the look I must be sending his way he knows, but he doesn't take it back only repeats himself. "In the woods, before I lost it, you tried to kiss me... real or not real." I don't have a choice I have to tell him, so I close my eyes and say "real" so quietly I hope he doesn't hear it. He does though, either that or he just has a habit of crashing his lips into those of the girl next to him.

The kiss isn't gentle, letting me take control of the situation like he usually does, but firm. Firm in such a way that lets me know he is going easy on me, like he has been waiting for this moment for a long time. The thought makes my stomach churn and that feeling that I have only felt twice before, and only ever with him, begins to make way around my body threatening to overtake me. It scares me but not him apparently because he begins to weave his fingers into my hair. With one hand bunching my hair into his fist and the other cupping my jaw he continues to move his lips on mine with passion. I begin to relent to him and let him take control without a fight as I rest my hands along on his chest where I feel his heart moving rapidly. This decision to let go of my ever-present guard has let loose a feeling of freedom and giddiness. The fire grows and I revel in the feeling. Is this what Peeta feels constantly? Though I feel good the fact that I am extremely vulnerable is not lost on me. Peeta must be the bravest person I know because he freely opens himself to such vulnerability, not only that but he does it to me. Usually, I would let my mind wonder over my own bad behaviour and characteristics, but as Peeta deepens the kiss, capturing the scar on my lip between his and running his teeth over it gently, I lose focus on such thoughts. His hand has long since moved from my chin to my middle back pulling me into a close embrace.

My fingers run from their place in his curls down to his shoulders, and eventually his arms. They tread over something with a ruff texture compared to both his shirt and arm, but focusing on it is difficult with the fire within me so strong. The feeling makes everything about as difficult to focus on as it was when he pulled out my skinning knife. My skinning knife! The realisation of the ruff bandage on his arm makes me pull back from him with such force that our mouths make a 'POP'. Still in his embrace I open and close my mouth trying to speak, I must look like some fish out of water. Ironically this is exactly how I feel while I try telling Peeta that... I don't know, but one thing is for sure and that is my walls are back up.

His arms fly off me and he doesn't hesitate as he swings off the bed and leaves my house. I didn't want him to leave, but he had to because that look of pure hurt in his eyes that he left with is exactly the reason I'm no good for him. I wish he could just see that; it would save both of us some heart ache. But he doesn't and I have hurt him worse than the rejection I felt when he ran us home because that wasn't his choice, but this was all me. I let myself get to close once again and it hurt him. But more than that it made me realise something. There is a reason I have this purl around my neck, there's a reason that I don't want Peeta to leave when I know he has to, and that reason means I finally realise what Haymitch knew all along. "That what I need to survive is not Gale's fire, kindled with rage and hatred. I have plenty of fire myself. What I need is the dandelion in the spring. The bright yellow that means rebirth instead of destruction. The promise that life can go on, no matter how bad our losses. That it can be good again. And only Peeta can give me that." Only Peeta can make me feel the way he does because... because I am in love Peeta Mellark. And yet I have to let him go.

If I fall back asleep, I don't notice it because I spend the night sobbing. Oh, how I wish I could talk to Prim she always knew what to say or do. My sweet, sweet Prim would have shown me the sense in the situation I cannot see from anyone else., and if I do, I won't listen. Prim knew how to show me sense, leaving no room for doubt or argument. The only other person who is ever able to truly make me see sense is the man in question.