Hamilton x Nerdy Prudes Must Die

Scene 23, Interrogation

Shapiro: Hi kids, come on in, have a seat. Go ahead and have a seat right there. I’m Detective Shapiro, this here is Officer Bailey.

Bailey: Don’t look at me! Get your hands outta your pockets!

Shapiro: Don’t mind him, he hasn’t had his coffee this morning. You kids want some coffee? Can I get you anything? Anything at all?  

Eliza: No..

Shapiro: How about that game this weekend? Fuckin’ Chemists, right? We’ll get ‘em next time, though. Go Nighthawks!  

Alexander, Eliza, Maria and Samuel: Yeah, go Nighthawks..

Shapiro: Too bad our boys weren’t playing with the full deck though, right? You ask me, they were missing the most important member of the team. You know who I’m talking about.  

Alexander, Eliza, Maria and Samuel: Yeah...

Shapiro: Without him, the Nighthawks went out there and they just…shat the bed, didn’t they? Real shame what happened to him.

Bailey: A damn shame..

Shapiro: You see, kids, he was murdered.

Samuel: How do you know it was murder?  

Alexander: Yeah! I coulda been a accident!

Maria: Yeah! Maybe he fell! That’s what happened! He fell!  

Eliza: Shut the fuck up, Maria!

Bailey: Fell? Nah, nah, nah. I don’t think so.  

Shapiro: Tell me a little bit about your relationship with the deceased, word around school is you four were his friends?

Eliza: Friends? Barely.

Maria: We hardly knew the guy.

Alexander: Yeah, I knew him, I just hated his guts.  

Samuel: But not enough to kill him!

Alexander: Uh, yeah, maybe enough to scare him, or to teach him a lesson.

Samuel: Not-not even that!

Eliza: You know, come to think of it, we were his friends.  

Maria: Oh yeah..

Samuel and Alexander: Yeah..

Eliza: And we just miss him so much, the big lug

[They all mourn]

Shapiro: When was the last time you saw him?

[The four look at eachother]

Alexander, Eliza, Maria and Samuel: Two weeks ago.

Bailey: BULLSHIT.

Shapiro: You wanna think a little harder? You sure you didn’t see him in your AP Calculus class last week?  

Alexander: What...?

Bailey: That’s it! Listen here, you little fucks! Zeke the Fightin’ Nighthawk was murdered the night of the big game! We lost to Clivesdale! Fucking Clivesdale! You four are gonna spill everything you know about John Lipschitz! So...

Alexander: Wait, someone killed John?

Samuel: Oh, well, we don’t know anything about that one.

Eliza: Or any one. Yeah, we don’t know anything.

Shapiro: You four were his friends. Think. Is there anyone in John's life who might’ve had it out for him, someone who…maybe had a grudge against nerdy prudes?  

Samuel: What?

Shapiro: The killer left a message. Written on the wall in your friend’s blood. Nerdy Prudes Must Die. Now does that mean anything to you?  

Alexander, Eliza, Maria and Samuel: No..

Walky Talky Guy: Shapiro? Bailey? We got a problem at The Old Waylon Place. We found another one, the Jägerman boy.  

Bailey: Shit, let’s go.  

Shapiro: Thanks for your help, kids.  

Bailey: Yeah, thanks for nothing!

[The two walk away]

Alexander: Oh no. Oh man!

Maria: Well, we're fucked. They found George.

Eliza: We’re fucked! For several reasons! Nerdy Prudes Must Die? Those were Jägerman's ’s last words exactly!  

Maria: Oh oo, maybe it’s a coincidence! People tell me to die every day.  

Eliza: I don't think so, Maria. I think somebody knows what we did and now they’re after us.  

Alexander: How could anyone know?

Samuel: Because someone told. Someone spilled our beans, all our cool beans. I don’t know about you guys but I smell a heckin’ rat. Been talkin’ to any telemarketers lately Maria?

Maria: I wish!

Samuel: You’re so desperate for attention, maybe you thought you can get it by dishing up a big old plate of juicy gossip?

Maria: Okay, I admit, it crossed my mind. But, no! Then my anxiety kicked in and my mouth got all dry and- don’t bully me!

Eliza: Leave Maria alone, okay? She didn't tell.

Samuel: Was it you, Eliza?

Eliza: Huh? No.

Samuel: Maybe it was you, Spankoffski! Someone told!  

Eliza: Or, there was someone else in the house that night.

Samuel: Don’t be ridiculous. Wait…someone else in the house? That could work. 

Eliza: Samuel...what are you thinking?

Samuel: Relax ye of little faith. I’m gonna get those pigs off our backs.