No Choice But You // Ominis Gaunt x Reader

Chapter 32

Ominis's POV//

Ever since the party, I wasn't sure what to do with myself. 

I felt like I needed to stay away from her until I had myself sorted, which meant staying away from everyone else--which was like some sick sort of punishment. I'd been making her feel the same way, thinking nothing of it. But I felt miserable, being by myself all the time. 

I knew now how terrible I'd been to her. All along, I'd been trying to justify my behavior, but feeling like I did now, I realized there was nothing right about it. 

Even if I did hate her still, I wasn't sure. 

What I was sure about, was how addicted to kissing her I was. That's all I thought about anymore, and it clouded all reason and logical thinking in my head. I thought about the sounds she made and how perfectly kissable her lips were, and it trumped over everything else. 

I knew what I wanted, but I also felt like I wasn't allowed to have it--not after how I treated her. 

I was so confused and conflicted over it all. I didn't know what to do. I knew that if I talked to Sebastian about it, he wouldn't understand. Yes, everything that happened in our fifth year happened directly to him, but he wasn't the one who had to sit back and watch his best friend get corrupted by someone else. 

All she did was egg him on back then. She never once stopped to think whether or not what she was doing was right. If I asked Sebastian, he would say to go for it. To forgive her for doing what she did, and to move on with my life, and succumb to the feelings I have toward her. 

But I haven't been able to bring myself to even stand in her presence. It hurts me, and I know it hurts her, too. I can feel the shift in the air whenever I'm around her, and the tension is thick enough to cut with a knife. Because of that, I'd been avoiding everyone. 

She was coming out of her shell more, and while I was happy for her in that regard, it meant she was spending more time with the others. That made it harder for me to hang out with them too, if I didn't want to be around her. 

Being around her just confused me. My feelings for her went against everything I knew about myself. I didn't condone the use of dark magic, and she went against that belief. Even though she hadn't used it in a long time, I was still fighting myself over this, and I didn't know why. 

Later in the evening, Sebastian returned to the dorm room. 

"Hey there," he greeted. "I haven't seen you much recently. Why is that?" 

I frowned and didn't give him a response. 

"If it's about y/n, you're still being a total dick about that. I don't know what else to tell you." He shuffled through some papers and sat down on his bed, presumably working on his homework. 

"You know how I feel about her. And you're all hanging out with her now, and I don't want to be around her." 

"How is it you feel about her? Because it seems you have feelings for her, but the way you act when she's around totally says differently. You're mean to her. If you want her to--" 

"I don't need your opinion," I said, cutting him off. "You know how I feel about the things she did." 

"I did those same things, Ominis, yet you've forgiven me. Or have you? Do you hate me, too?" 

"No, but--"

"But what, Ominis?" he said, sounding exasperated. "There is no other way of looking at this. If you can forgive me, then you have to forgive her too by default. If you can't forgive her, then you shouldn't have forgiven me so easily. I really don't understand your dilemma." 

I knew he wouldn't understand. It was different with her. She enabled it. Sebastian had a good reason for looking into the dark arts, and she didn't. She did it for her personal gain. There was no other way of looking at it than that, and he didn't understand that. 

"She really likes you, mate," Sebastian said. "She's nice. She's good. And you're only causing her pain. With the way you've treated her, even if you do decide to forgive the past, I don't know that you deserve her." 

"Like I said, I don't need your opinion." I could figure this all out myself. I didn't need him telling me what to do. I already knew this was what he'd say. 

And I certainly couldn't talk to y/n about this until I was sure what I wanted. I couldn't control myself when I was alone with her. I knew if I had her alone like I did the other night, I wouldn't be able to think straight. Her voice and her scent would just take over and turn me into a puddle, and I'd give in again like last time. 

I needed to figure this out before anything else. I hated that it was taking me so long to get over this hurdle. Looking at her still just made me think about everything that happened in the past, and it made it impossible to give myself to her completely. I needed to be able to honestly forgive the past before I could move on and let myself have feelings for her.