John and Marlena (Finally) Get a Q!

Chapter 30 - The Fortunes of Defeat

John sat slumped in the black vinyl chair. The depression and exhaustion had overtaken him, and he looked into the distance with glazed eyes, seemingly unaware of the bustle around him. However hard he had worked to convince himself that he could cope with the loss of his child, it hadn't been hard enough. No amount of blustering, of anger on his part could take away this empty feeling inside his heart. In less than twenty-four hours, he had lost Marlena, he had lost his ideal of Kristen, and now he had lost his child. And he could lay the blame at no-one's feet but his own. He had been warned but he had thought he could accept the consequences of his actions. He had always thought he could. Now he realized he had only spent his life running from them.

Mike walked towards the lonely figure in the waiting room. The hour was late, and the hospital corridors seemed empty and unwelcoming. His curiosity had been piqued by the events of the past day but as always, his consummate professionalism came to the fore as he sat down beside John.

After studying his thumbnail for what seemed like an eternity, John's red-rimmed, questioning eyes searched out Mike's.

"I don't know what happened in there between you," Mike began softly and with no reproach in his voice. For that John was grateful, his guilt already burgeoning out of control. "You know Kristen miscarried?" John nodded miserably. Mike regarded him with sympathy. "I'm sorry John, I know what this child meant to the two of you." John's nod was almost indiscernible.

"Thanks Mike." He looked back up at the doctor, the strain obvious. "And we know you did all that you could." He clenched his jaw, the tense muscles protruding in cords down his throat.

"We're about to take her down for a scan. It's a formality before she goes into theatre for a D and C." Mike said gently. "Do you want to go and see her before she goes down." John shook his head, the pain too heavy in his heart to even consider it.

"I wouldn't know what to say." His voice was hoarse, and he shook his head, trying to rid himself of the image of Kristen's blood on the starched white sheets. "I can't..."

"Just tell her that you love her, and you'll be there for her." Mike suggested with sympathy.

"I can't-" John's voice cracked, two tones discordantly clashing in pain. "I don't Mike. I don't love her. I don't even like her anymore. So, tell me now. What the hell do I say to her?"

******

Marlena tucked Belle into bed, her stuffed bunny Heddy snuggled tightly by her side. She smiled at her diminutive daughter and kissed her on the forehead.

"Now you go to sleep sweet girl. And if Heddy wakes up or has any bad dreams, I want you to come and tell me. Okay?"

Belle nodded sleepily, a smile touching her lips. "Nigh' Momma."

"Night Belle. Sweet dreams darling." Marlena left the room and quietly pulled the door almost closed, leaving the customary glimmer of light which comforted the small child.

In the next room, Sami had just finished reading Brady a chapter of Winnie-the-Pooh. She was settling him down for the night when Marlena joined them.

"Are you ready for bed Brady? Brushed your teeth, washed your face?" She grinned as the little boy nodded his head sagely. "I always do Mo- Ma-." His expression clouded with confusion, and he looked to Sami for guidance. She smiled gently.

"I don't think Mom minds you calling her that you know." She turned to Marlena. "Mom?"

Marlena knelt down next to the bed, her right arm on Sami's knee. She took Brady's hand in hers and smiled at him, her eyes gleaming with the lustrous quality she reserved only for those who lived inside her heart.