John and Marlena (Finally) Get a Q!

Chapter 83 - Back to the Past

Marlena stood at the open window as Roman came out of the kitchen with two mugs of tea. They had been interrupted earlier by the children awakening from their nap, but feeling the tension apparent in the apartment, Lucie had elected to take the children to their grandparents with, no great argument from Marlena.

For a moment, it was all too much, and she lost herself in the fiery sunset, allowing it to fill her senses with the soft breeze and muted sounds as well as the incredible colors.

The cobalt of the evening sky was shot with threads of a burnished copper-gold, glowing brighter even as she watched. Ducks flew from their late afternoon vigil on the water, silhouetted against the last light of a sinking day and the world seemed to pause, just for a moment.

Minutes passed and Roman simply watched her, watching the heavens that spread in front of her. The threads darkened to a deep flaming orange before softening to a dusky pink and all the while, the blue between darkened to a majestic indigo as the sunset melted into dusk.

Finally, the glow around the hills subsided and Roman felt the chill of the spring evening. Putting the mugs down, he moved behind Marlena and gently laid his hands on her shoulders.

"Doc?"

He felt the shiver ripple through her, and she rubbed her upper arms ineffectually.

"Doc, come indoors." Turning luminously blank eyes on him, she eventually nodded and let him lead her inside. Closing the door behind them, he made sure she was comfortable on the couch and then handed her a cup.

Steeling himself he looked at her again and waited until she turned her eyes to his. He had been asking her about what had happened after he had left when she had broken down in tears. She had made it as far as telling him about Stefano's midnight visits when suddenly it became too much for her, but Roman hadn't known what to do.

Always, in the past, he had been able to hold her, to soothe her tears and her fears away. But now he just did not know what to do to help her, she was so self-contained. The wall she had built around herself was seemingly impenetrable and even when he touched her, he was not really touching her. In some way he felt responsible for what she had suffered, he had been the one to leave when she had been so vulnerable. He had promised to always be there for her, in good times and in bad times, but when she had needed him most, he had given in to his pain and he had run as far and as fast as he could. He had thought it the only way to survive. Now, seeing her again, he knew he had made a terrible mistake. One that he could not reverse.

As much as he loved her, as much as he now realized that surviving without her was merely that, just surviving. He had abandoned her, and the children, and he knew that had changed him in her eyes. She would never love him again the way she had once, he could see that every time she looked at him. And in his absence, she had given her heart completely to John, however little he might deserve it.

He looked at her wan face and felt a twinge deep within him. It was all he could do to keep it from blossoming into a fully-fledged, keening grief. God, he loved her so. He hadn't realized it until now. He only hoped he had the strength to keep the truth from her, she didn't need that burden too. All he could do now was to try to be the best friend he could.

Trying to stop his hand from shaking, he closed it over hers and she started at his touch.

"You were telling me about the blackouts," he prompted tenderly. Marlena swallowed almost convulsively at his words and looked up with haunted eyes. She hated talking about it, rehashing the living nightmare that she had suffered, but she felt she had to help Roman understand. At least she owed him that.