John and Marlena (Finally) Get a Q!

Chapter 78 - Letters

March 17, 1997

My sweet baby,

I am writing this letter knowing you will never see it. I am hoping that getting my thoughts down on paper will help me to make some sense of them. I love you so much already little one and I know that your Daddy will love you just as much as I do. He is a wonderful man and a wonderful father to your brother Brady and your sister Belle.

Little one, I do fear though that I have made too many mistakes for us to be a family, and I regret that more than anything. Eugene is right. You do all deserve more than I have given you. You deserve more of me than this, and you deserve more of your father. We have let our own fears and insecurities manifest to a point where it has become impossible to give you the family that you should be born into. I don't know how to make that right, darling. I wish I did. I would give you anything in the world that I could. I just don't think it's possible for me to give you that.

What complicates matters is that your Daddy is expecting a baby brother or sister for you too. Why is it fair that one family has to suffer over the other? And who is to say who is the more deserving? I really can't answer that. I can only tell you that from the bottom of my heart I love you, and I will give you the best life I know how.

I love you

Momma

March 19, 1997

For my son or daughter,

I struggle daily to make sense of this situation we have been thrown into and I worry that I am not doing a very good job of it. When I found out the truth, I made a vow to protect you with everything I had until you were safe, and your mother and I could be together with you. As it turns out little baby, that won't be possible.

Eugene Bradford tells me I should talk to your mother and tell her the truth. But what risk that would bring to you. If Kristen were to ever find out....

I feel like I am caught in a maze that has no exit, a riddle with no answer, and the only truth is the love I feel for you and your brother and sister. And of course, the love that I have for your mother. That is something special baby, but I am not sure that she remembers it anymore. I failed her too many times. I hurt her and let her be hurt.... how can I expect her to forgive me when I can't forgive myself.....?

I want you to know that I will always be here for you. And I *will* love you and I will fight for you when you need me to. Never doubt that your mom and your dad will *always* love you.

Daddy

March 20, 1997

Darling,

It's late and I am off to bed soon. Belle and Brady are tucked up and sleeping soundly. I just love watching them sleep. I can't wait for you to meet them, I know they will love you as much as I do.

I have hired a new nanny for them, a friend of Carrie's. Her name is Lucie, and she is wonderful with them. She makes them laugh in even the most serious of situations. She tells me she knows Carrie from school, but she has been away from Salem for a while. There is something about her......I don't know what it is, but I find it a little unnerving. Still, I trust Carrie's judgement.

It has been a very long week and I have not heard a word from Samantha. I don't know what to do, it's an impossible situation. I have made mistakes and I wish I could turn back the clock and change things, but I can't. I ache for you and for the family that you should have. It seems so terribly unfair, and you deserve so much more than I am able to give you. But we will do the best that we can little one, and maybe someday, we will get what we wish for.