John and Marlena (Finally) Get a Q!

Chapter 96 - Deliberation and Prevarication

It was almost dark when Marlena finally woke. Lying in the half-light, she smiled as she listened to John's quiet, regular breaths, purely enjoying the feeling of his body next to hers. After a few moments, she propped herself up on her elbow and looked at him with a loving smile. He really looked content, in a way that he had not for such a long time.

She supposed it had been the same for him as it had for her, as though there was always something missing, something slightly *flat* about her life without him. Things never looked quite as colorful, food never tasted as good..... she never slept quite so well as she did in his arms.

Her heart fluttered as he stirred in his sleep. She could just watch him like this forever. If this moment never ended, she would be utterly content. Her fingers slid over the rumpled blue cotton of his hospital gown before they encountered the cool skin of his upper arm. Continuing her journey, her fingers drifted through the coarse hair that dusted his lower arms until she met his fingers where they rested against her thickened waist.

Ever so carefully, she lifted his hand and slipped out from under the cotton blanket. Waiting to make sure that he was still sleeping peacefully, she dropped a sweet kiss on his forehead. Then, without a noise, she opened the door and closed it quietly behind her.

Looking around, she spotted Eugene dozing in a chair several yards away. Seating herself beside him, she placed her hand over his.

"Gene?" she asked cautiously.

"Mmm....wh...huh?" his eyes shot open and he looked around as though he thought he was going to find something unexpected and not entirely welcome.

"Gene, it's just me," she tried to reassure him.

"Oh Marlena," he slapped his hand to his chest, "don't frighten me like that."

"I'm sorry," she couldn't help her grin. Some things didn't change. "You didn't have to stay and wait you know Gene."

"Well I....," he looked down at his hands and then tentatively back at her, "I had the impression that maybe we hadn't said everything we need to say."

Marlena's smile faltered and her eyes flitted to the window of John's room and then back to Q.

"I don't quite know what to say, Gene," she said in a low voice.

"You're still angry at me," he was glum.

"Well....no....yes...." Marlena shook her head, "I don't know Gene. I'm still trying to absorb all this." She paused for a moment, trying to put her emotions into words. "I *do* wish you'd told me the truth. I understand I guess why you didn't, but Gene, it would have made so much *difference*."

"I know," he replied miserably.

If he *had* told her the truth, *they* would never have happened. That much was clear to him now. And he was terribly torn over that. In his head, he knew the right thing would have been to tell her, but a small, selfish part of him kept whispering that he had been right to keep quiet. And yet for what? He had loved her, but he had certainly lost her and it seemed he had merely been a substitute for the man she had really wanted all along.

"I'm sorry Marlena," he said sadly, "I wish I had some defense that would make you feel like all this has been worth something, but I don't. I'm sorry my silence wasted so much time and caused you so much pain. I..." he wanted to say he would do anything to go back and change it, but he couldn't even convince *himself* it was true, so he wasn't about to try with her. "I just want you to know that none of...what happened...I didn't plan any of it and I'd give anything not to have hurt you."

"Oh, Gene," being that she was a listener by profession and adept at reading between the lines, she grasped a lot more of what Eugene meant than he had put into words.  "Honey I don't feel like it was wasted time. Not you and me," she took one of his hands between hers. "I feel cheated at the time John, and I lost yes, but that doesn't mean I regret what happened between us. That was special and just because it wasn't lasting....it doesn't mean I don't cherish those memories."