Chapter 38 - Shock Value

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Marlena sat alone in her room, staring at the soft blue walls. She was the only one home this afternoon and she treasured the solitude. The past few days had been a blur of work and children and the latest psychiatry journal from work lay buried and unopened in the plush quilt. She took off her glasses and rubbed her eyes again. Outside the window the last snow of the winter drifted past the balcony doors, creating a translucent veil to the world outside.

She discarded the glasses and lying back she sank into the recent past. It had been such a short time ago that John had been in this room with her, in this bed. The months that had passed had not dimmed the clarity of those memories and it almost hurt to recall how happy she had been for those few brief hours. She pulled a pillow into her arms and hugged it tight as she gazed at the ceiling. She felt as though she were dislocated from herself. There was an odd feeling of non-being that she couldn't make sense of. Nothing was right and it seemed as though it was impossible to resolve it within herself. Dear Lord, she prayed, I feel so confused, please give me some guidance. I don't know where I am anymore. It seems I hardly know who I am. I need to be strong for Belle and Brady, but I don't know where to find that strength....

Her meditation was disturbed by the sound of a door closing downstairs and Marlena opened her eyes immediately. The soft footsteps up the staircase sounded familiar to her ear but she was wary anyway. By the time the soft knock came at her door, she was tense enough to spring from the bed if need be.

"Who is it?" Her voice was tentative, as if she wasn't quite sure that she wanted to give away the fact that she was here. But whoever it was, they were in her house now. It was a little late for playing absent.

"Mom, it's me, Sami." The soft voice slid easily through the cracks in the door frame. Marlena relaxed slightly.

"Come in sweetie," she invited.

The door opened and Sami looked hesitantly around the room. Her mother was sitting in the middle of the crumpled bed, clutching a pillow to her chest. For some reason today she seemed dwarfed by the large room and king-sized bed.

"I'm sorry Mom - I didn't mean to disturb you. I wasn't sure that there was anyone here. You didn't answer the door when I knocked." The last almost sounded like an accusation and Marlena wondered where that had come from.

"I didn't hear it, Sami. I guess I was lost in my daydreams." She smiled and patted the quilt next to her. "Come in honey."

Sami's sweet smile shone through the front of stand-offishness she habitually wore.

"I wouldn't have let myself in Mom, but Grant wanted to see Casablanca and I said I'd borrow it from you so we could watch it tonight." She threw herself on the bed next to Marlena and half lay down.

"So, what are you up to then?"

"Oh you know," Marlena smiled, lying back down herself, "a bit of this and a bit of that and not much of anything."

"Work?" Sami picked up the journal and glanced at the article Marlena had been reading. "Habitual Markers of Obsessive Psychosis? Gee Mom, that looks thrilling!" she remarked sarcastically as she dropped the book back on the bed.

"It is very interesting," Marlena replied in all seriousness. Obsessiveness was something she was all too familiar with, even in her own family. Still, she didn't want to get into another argument with her daughter. She was too tired to argue. "So, what have you been doing with yourself Sami-girl?"

"Grant and I took Will to the ice rink this morning," Sami grinned, her cheeks tinged pink with the memory of a wonderful morning. "We had such a great time. Grant even rented a pair of tiny boots for Will and took him around the ice." She shook the long blonde hair out of her eyes. "Will just thought it was the greatest thing. I'm so glad we got to do it before Spring hits. Will's growing so fast..." She stopped as she saw the expression on her mother's face. "What Mom?"

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