John and Marlena (Finally) Get a Q!

Chapter 108 - Sanitarium Blues

Marlena shielded her eyes as she looked out of the car window. It was summer at last and the sun colored everything so that it shone with a sparkling golden tinge.

The lushness of the lakeside vegetation was more luxuriant than she remembered and with her window open she could hear the sweet trill of summer birds, thrush, jay and larks all competing for attention. And yet, she couldn't share in their urgent joy. She had darker things on her mind. Betrayal. Fear.

Eugene? She glanced across at the still, silent John, her stomach flipping as she did so. Surely, he wasn't still angry over Eugene? After what he'd said to her at the loft, she thought he'd said all he had to say. She thought that when she'd explained it to him, he had accepted that her affair with Gene was something that had happened because she needed it. To survive, to stay sane.

That wasn't to say that she didn't know how much it hurt. On the contrary, she knew only too well. And it broke her heart that she had hurt John in that way. She wouldn't wish that kind of pain on her worst enemy. Well maybe Kristen..... She turned her head, expelling the thought with the violence of a jarring shake. This wasn't about revenge. This was about moving beyond the past and building a future. Together.

She wanted so badly to make this work, to be happy and content with John, maybe she wasn't seeing the signs. Obviously, he was having some difficulty, but why wasn't he talking to her about it? They had promised to be honest with each other, knowing that that was the only way they could make their relationship work. So why was he holding back from her now? She had thought that he understood that she and Eugene were just friends, but now she wasn't sure of anything. She wasn't sure what he was thinking or how to reassure him. How *could* she be if he wouldn't talk to her? Wouldn't give her a chance to help him with his pain?

But even as the fragments of shattered thoughts and emotions trickled through her mind, her conscience gnawed at her reasoning. Although she tried to tell herself that they had dealt with it, had they *really*? Sure, they had approached it, both in the heat of anger and heartache, both slinging barbs to score points, to wound, as they felt wounded. But they had never sat down calmly and voiced their reasons and their suffering rationally. They had never come to any conclusion, never closed the book on the issue. *She* might have felt that she had said what she had to say, but she couldn't say for sure that John had had his chance to do the same. Clearly not, looking at him now. Cataloguing past hurts was not likely to help either of them, but this was a matter that evidently needed to be discussed. She had to make John understand, to try and accept what had happened and let it go.

She could feel her throat constricting as she tried to form questions in her mind. John, is it Eugene that's upsetting you? What we did? Do you think.... are you worried it's not.... Her eyes felt dry and scratchy as she turned back to the window. She had known it would be difficult, that they would have to work to get over what had happened between them. She hadn't been that naïve to think that it would all just go away.

Had she?

Her hands curled into balls in her lap as she contemplated the turns the conversation might take. The hurts it might dredge up; pain remembered; anger still harbored. Of course, if it was painful for her to think about Kristen obviously it was going to be painful for him too. Just because he had done it first didn't make it any less difficult, any less of a betrayal.

The sunlight bounced off the water, flashing in her eyes, a myriad of dancing rays scattered across the surface of the lake. Blinking from the dazzling aquatic firework display, she fixed her eyes on the road ahead. However difficult and painful it might be, they did need to confront this, to talk about it.

She could understand John's reluctance to broach the subject. He obviously felt that there was strength in silence. But her years of training and experience told her otherwise. This was clearly getting worse the more he tried to hold it inside. His increasing silence and distance from her made that evident, if nothing else.