Kessoku Kokoro | A Bocchi the Rock Fanfic

Chapter 48: To Be So Loved...

Nijimei

"So...," Tokumei sighed, sitting down and placing the sword on his lap. He stares at his younger self, who's not tired at all. If anything all he's doing is being hellbent on guarding that door. That door which meant something... Something that he clearly had forgotten all of those years. "This is a Dreamscape? You expect me to believe that me and the rest of the band are linked in some weird neural network? This isn't a fantasy story, it's a slice-of-life so why don't you do me a favor and help me bring things back to normal."

His younger self scoffed. Disgust was clearly evident in his tone, "Help you? Hah. You and I both know that the one thing that we both want is for you to be gone. What help would you even bring anyway? Aren't you the odd one out in this band? They already have a vocalist. If anything you're just an extra self-inserting into their lives."

"This is why I never want a kid," Tokumei rolled his eyes. He slumps his posture for a bit, trying to find an angle where he could convince himself to get through that door. "They have no filter and they're doomed to a screwed up world."

"And yet, here you are, chasing girls as if you're the last man on Earth. Aren't you ashamed of it all?" his younger self took one step closer. Then another. And then another. Footsteps echoing this vast and empty white void of a mind. "You were supposed to protect her. You were supposed to protect me. And look what you've done."

Tokumei looked down on the floor as he took the words he was telling himself. He felt so many things... Shame. Regret. Disgust. Cringe. Anger. Resentment. All of these things that were being told to him as a reminder for everything he's done wrong. 

"It's almost as if you want to be miserable. It's almost as if... You want to be hurt. Right? You want to be broken down and fall apart. To be told that there's nothing you can do. Because you're afraid of doing something to help yourself. You're afraid of a future. You're afraid that you'll be left behind by everyone who's ever loved you. They'll grow tired of you eventually."

"You're nothing more than the architect of your own suffering. You'll wear out everyone who's ever loved you because you're too afraid to live. You're more hellbent to die because you make a mountain out of every molehill that you encounter."

"And you know what the best part of it all is?" 

He pushes his index finger onto Tokumei's forehead. His expression turning into a twisted smile, mocking him for even existing. For the mere act of simply breathing. There's no doubt about it. This is the manifestation of Tokumei's regrets... Mixed in with Nijika's trauma in some way since he's in her head. 

An overprotective friend and his biggest hater. Tokumei simply leered at his younger self as he continued to berate and belittle him. The odd thing was that Tokumei noticed that he smelled like flowers. He doesn't recall wearing perfume as a kid...

But then again, it's been 9 years. 

He breathes calmly. Taking in the barrage of insults that came his way. 

"You can't do a damn thing about it. You'll either just put up an apathetic front to justify your own laziness or you'll just run away from the issue at hand. The issue being is that you can't move on. You just can't move on at the fact that the moment Mom and Dad died in that car crash, you lived."

"That's why you just keep living by their standards. Or you just try to run away from it. You just can't let it go. You don't even know who you are. Are you that kid who has to be their golden child? Or are you your own person, living with the consequences of your actions with no one to guide you?" 

"I know what you are. You're a pathetic mess hellbent on self-destruction because life just decided to be a little too mean to you every now and then. You're a coward that would rather throw the towel instead of making something out of your own life. You let others lead you on because you don't want to take responsibility for anything. And even if you do, you take it to the extreme."